Posts

Posted on

Winning Moves Easter Event Giveaway

Oh no! It’s raining and while April Showers may bring May Flowers it’s no fun for the family. So when contemplating what to include in your kids Easter Baskets think about Winning-Moves. Their games will bring back fond memories from when you were a kid and even help you make new memories with new games.

Connect 4 Twist & Turn, for ages 6 and up, is just like the traditional Connect 4 game, with a twist! Each layer of the tower twists, strategize to see if you can “Drop, Twist and Win!”

Fish, Fish, Squish! is for ages 5 and up. This game allows you to mold your own school of dough-fish and get ready to “squish” your opponents’ fish. Every three-in-a-row with the cards earns you a squish. But you’ll want to stay on your fins! Everyone else is trying to squish your fish too.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Disclaimer: Participating Blogs were not compensated for this post. No purchase is necessary to enter. One entrant per household, per address. Void where prohibited by law. Winner(s) will be contacted by email and have 48 hours to respond before a new winner is chosen. Winning Moves will be responsible for product shipment to winner of this sweepstakes. This event is in no way administered, sponsored, or endorsed by, or associated with, Facebook and/or Twitter, Google, Pinterest. Contact Joie@NetworkingPerks.com if you have any additional questions or comments.

Posted on

Spring Break and SwimSpray

March is a time for kids (and teachers) to take that mental break before the end of school. Teachers are feverishly cramming information into their little brains and you can tell they need just a week (or two) reprieve to get back into the swing. Most of us will be taking our kids on holiday to enjoy tropical, exotic or maybe even home locations to take in a much needed break. One thing I like to keep in my arsenal of goodies for spring break is prevention treatment for swimmers hair for my little blondies with SwimSpray.

What I love about SwimSpray is that the ingredients are all natural. Not like the “all natural” we have all read about, but truly a blend of natural ingredients found from our favorite summertime fruit. A convenient little bottle of citrus without the smell of citrus. Some of you may have loved the days of old with lemon juice to remove the chlorine from  your hair, as a blond and spending many a summers poolside and with swimmers hair, lemon juice was my bane. Neck cricked over, towel on my head and constantly showering off. Knowing how much I did not enjoy this past time I surely will not inflict this on my children.

SwimSpray is just that. A spray of a blend of vitamin C and water. No harsh chemicals. No harsh smells. No drying out your hair and or your skin. Absolutely safe to use on your skin to get the drying and damaging effects of chlorine out of your pores. You can even use SwimSpray on your swimsuit to prolong the life and remove the chlorine and the chlorine smell.

SwimSpray comes in a four ounce bottle spray so it is super convenient to pack in your carry-on and small enough for even the most independent of little hands to use on themselves. Be sure to prevent spraying in the eyes and always supervise children when using this product.

Enjoy your Spring Break and summer, free of the harsh effects of chlorine with SwimSpray. Just spray  on after swimming and wash as usual. SwimSpray is available online at SwimSpray.com, local swim shops, swim schools and other authorized retailers.

Posted on

The Bonds of Trust

trust, bonds of trust, covenants

Skeletons in our closet can often become our undoing. We hold these deep dark arcanums dear to prevent hurting others and or to prevent unraveling of our relationships or the outward image we portray. Are secrets ever healthy? Can we have healthy secrets for the sake of protection not for ourselves but for others?  Should secrets ever be shared for the sake of transparency, as to eliminate any insecurities regarding hidden truths. What happens when the bond of trust is broken for the sake of transparency?

One late evening several months ago The Chad and I were laying restless in bed and we began to have a very raw conversation about secrets. We discussed some details of our secrets that we held to ourselves, the details held no benefit to the other. For some reason at that moment we felt enough trust and security in our marriage to discuss these particulars, sans judgment and bias. After 14 years of marriage we felt we have experienced a great deal together that nothing could break this bond.

However, I struggled with this conversation. I felt as if I was invaded. My secrets are mine. Not that I was proud of these personal mysteries that are a dark part of me, of which I have accepted and have shaped who I am today. Yet these details are nothing I felt needed to be shared aloud, they were particularly crude to relive. The Chad knew of my disfavor after I distributed the details my secrets, explaining some things do not need to be said.

But to what end do we determine what secrets and unknowns to share with our spouse? Our friends? Confidants?

For the last year or so that I have been serving with ministry I have been learning about secrets, self identity. As I have matured as a woman, mother, human, my understanding of secrets has greatly evolved. I used to keep secrets because of my own personal insecurities and damning actions. Something I held to myself that would greatly hurt others because my actions, beliefs, knowledge of this secret could or would cause irreparable pain. Secrets formerly meant something sinister was afoot, a wrong doing of sorts. Now my secrets are not to protect myself, as a “save my own ass from implicative actions”, but to protect others, to protect their identity. I keep secrets to protect the vulnerability of others, albeit a paladin to the dark part of themselves that they accept are part of their fiber as mortals but no longer entertain the dooming actions or way of life.

I am humbled to be entrusted with these people in my life, whether directly or indirectly, and their secrets. Humbled because they felt my love was genuine and strong enough to withstand their naked truths. I am also taken aback by those who lack the maturity, application and mutual respect to hold my naked truths.

A recent road trip proved to release an unnecessary pink elephant that The Chad and I weren’t interested in conversing over with almost total strangers. Crucial conversations happen all the time in our home. I am no stranger to confronting conflict like a freight train, straight at the situation without stopping. However, possessing enough emotional intelligence to gauge the venue of which to have those conversations is cardinal for a productive outcome. Sadly, the venue presented itself when our opinion of one of our friend’s brother was shared openly, at a celebration of life (funeral).

Aghast at the confrontation of our secret. All I could do was to remain calm in the face of the girlfriend (the confronter) to the brother whom which we carried a secret. Reassuring her that the details, of our secret, were taken out of context. In an effort to thwart what could be an escalating situation, I flatly explained our entitlement to our opinion without malice and the conversation was had in confidence. At the same time I found the “tattle tale” style blathering to be abhorrent. An assumed, confidential conversation, in which we shared a bold, albeit distasteful, opinion of this brother. The actions were intolerable, childish at best. I could only speculate what would behoove our closest friends to break our covenant of trust. Or maybe we made an assumption that something, this “secret” of our opinion, such as this just didn’t need to be said or shared and they would mutually respect and acknowledge this view. Better, maybe we could have kept our big mouths shut…either way…losing battle.

Maybe we overestimated the assumption of emotional intelligence, respect, and confidence. Even with something as trivial as mentioning to your best friend that his brother is an asshat.

How do you overcome a broken bond of trust?

As I mentioned, ministry has assisted my transformation regarding personal confidence. Maturity helps in this aspect as well; recognizing and respecting that not all information is to be freely shared, no matter how anonymous. Our same road trip, The Chad and I discussed his recent mentoring group. The thought is thrilling for me to watch him be a part of a revolutionary group of men that allow him to be beautifully raw and unadulterated in his views, opinions, to be open in the haven of other mutually respecting men. In the midst of our discussion I was intrigued as to the breadth of their conversations, while he was very high level, I used deductive reasoning. Segue into the confidentiality agreement and covenant he is required to sign and the clause that he cannot share details with me. Considering I had already read and signed the agreement before he did, I was grinning ear-to-ear like the Cheshire cat noshing the canary at the sheer pleasure.

Quieting my joy, I listened as The Chad began to detail the reason for the covenant, of which I already knew the reasoning, but hearing the details aloud are always helpful. He mentioned that secrets, stories, moments in our lives do not always paint us in the perfect light. (Preaching to the choir) Sadly, not everyone has the maturity, awareness or where with all to accept we are all broken. If details were to be shared outside of their fraternity, this could then be sideways into gossip…even trivial details. Especially since a portion of the men in his group have crossed my path directly or indirectly as well as their wives of whom I am friends with. All tangled together in this small world of ours. Additionally, some details are not theirs to share with others, but to take in as listening and self reflection.

A part of me only wished that our friends knew and acknowledged these same contractual bonds. No anger or ill will is felt, but definitely a sense of mistrust and the overall lacking of security to disclose in a way confidants would normally. More so I am saddened that our level of friendship has been impacted.

As for my marriage. I enjoy that he and I have separate parts of our lives that we do not share with one another. Actually I revel in the fact that I can enjoy a part of me aside from him. From our children. From our friends. Even though we are married and even though we have deep relations with one another, with friends.

I suppose with any relationship, albeit casual and or professional, boundaries need to be set in order to determine clear lines. Boundaries could be the cornerstone to convalescing broken bonds of trust. But how does one repair even the most trivial levels of trust? When loyalty, trust and respect are so highly valued in any relationship, how can anyone shrug off a simple betrayal? Maybe I am looking at this too intently, but I would hate to trust someone with something more sensitive, high valued, precious, only to be betrayed again. How do you deal with betrayal? Even betrayal on the most juvenile level?

Posted on

First Bites: Superfoods for Babies and Toddlers

Food is such an integral part of our lives. As a conversation piece, comfort and of course sustenance. For new moms, feeding your infant and or toddler can be worrisome, frustrating and concerning. Am I giving them enough options? Am I feeding them the right foods? Should I feed them these foods? When I had my twins I threw the traditional thoughts out the window and gave them everything. Brussels Sprouts were my favorite when they were teething, as were apples, bell peppers, the whole gamut of different fruits and vegetables. From the time they could sit up unassisted and gnaw on foods, I experimented on them. With G-man I was more concerned on being the perfect mom, giving him the “right” foods and never rocking the boat. I wish I had this book with my oldest, First Bites: Superfoods for Babies and Toddlers, so I had some sort of compass and guide to tackle simple struggles like picky eating.

Picky Eaters

I’ve been interviewing experts about dealing with picky eaters for years and there are times when all that I have learned goes out the window! Do your best and when all else fails, take a deep breath and let it go. Don’t get up and make something different, let your child take ownership and decide not to eat, they won’t starve to death if they skip dinner one night. Allow them to have some of the control, it will empower them believe it or not they will (almost always) come around.

first bitesTry to:

  • Lead by example—parents have to be willing to eat and try things too
  • Offer a combination of foods your child likes along with things that may be a bit outside their comfort zone
  • Have a discussion about where food comes from
  • Get to the farmers’ marker or plant a garden
  • Make mealtime fun—eat, talk, share
  • Prepare meals together

Try not to:

  • Freak out!
  • Get noticeably frustrated
  • Fight over meals
  • Use dessert or other food as a reward
  • Insist that your child eat everything on their plate

(Photo and excerpt from FIRST BITES: Superfoods for Babies and Toddlers with the permission of Perigee/Penguin. Copyright Dana Angelo White, MS, RD, ATC, 2015.)

Today I do one of the “try not to” with my kids, but they are now 7,7 and 12 so having them finish their plate usually consists of did you at least eat all of your vegetables on your plate? When I was growing up I was limited on my exposure to foods, fruits and vegetables. I wasn’t even aware of farmers markets, local farmer co-ops, or the like. At the young age of 17 I was exposed to artichokes and capers. I never looked back. My children were a fraction of my age when they were exposed and that is one of their all time favorite requests, including asparagus, roasted Brussels Sprouts, stuffed bell peppers, bok choy, spinach, mushrooms, onions and kale.

What I found with my oldest is just as Dana suggests, have your kids take ownership. I let my kids rummage through the fridge when they were toddling and we discussed the different fruits and vegetables and I let them try. I also tried. I stock my fridge to this day with an assortment of foods. Such an empowering feeling to have your children try and share and tell others about the foods they like.

Seth defined that moment and humbled me as a parent when at his Boy Scout den meeting he explained the various foods on his plate as part of a nutrition project. Mind you, my little gem is barely six at the time and he explained grilled chicken or salmon as his protein, quinoa or brown rice as his grain, broccoli, Brussels Sprouts, asparagus and green beans (because he clarified those are his favorite) as his veggie, strawberries as his fruit and Gouda was his choice of cheese (dairy) but he also likes almond milk. His dessert, of course, was my gluten free, dairy free, caramel apple cake. Of course, a meal would be incomplete without dessert!

When his den leader and The Chad shared this with me I felt so proud. I felt like we crested a hump. A pressure was relieved regarding the work I put into my kids to ensure they are eating the right foods and are educated about proper nutrition.

However I know I am truly blessed because my children do not lack a food allergy. Many children these days have or develop food allergies which can make meals tricky and tough to navigate, First Bites: Superfoods for Babies and Toddlers helps provide helpful tips and insightful information on how to ensure we as parents are maximizing our children’s diets. The book release and copy could not have come at a better time as a friend from church was experiencing her own frustrations and concerns as a new mom. Her post on Facebook immediately prompted me to provide her with my copy of the book, to give her the tools I wish I had when I was a new mom, the tools I just figured out with having twins. If you are facing some of these struggles: food allergies, picky eaters, maximizing a vegetarian/vegan diet, or food transitions First Bites: Superfoods for Babies and Toddlers should be in your arsenal of tools in the kitchen and your home. First Bites was released on February 3rd and is available nationwide and on Amazon, get your copy today and take the frustration out of navigating meals and foods for your child with amazing meal options and friendly recipes sure to transform even the pickiest of eaters.

Posted on

The Power of Prayer

1 chronicles 16:11, Prayer on TheFiveFish.com

Have you ever considered the statement, “You are in my thoughts and prayers.” I have found that this is such a statement of (in)consideration, truly a good majority of people say this as a form of pleasantry and never with intention. I am not quite sure why this irks me, but when people say “you are in my thoughts and prayers” I want to reply, “Am I really or are you just saying that because it sounds heartfelt and reassuring?” What people may not realize is the power of a prayer. To be a pray-er you have a conviction that you believe what you are saying, that there is power on a very human and supernatural level that God and the cosmos will hear your pleas, cries, and requests.

I never understood prayer. Being boldly honest, I was that smug, ass of a human to say, “I’ll pray for you” of which I thought quietly to myself how horrible their situation is and wish it better. I never clasped my hands, closed my eyes and opened my heart to the possibility that God may hear my plea. Albeit I was selfish, only praying for myself when the moment seemed dire or I had tremendous fear: a long road trip, a flight, or any other personal want.

I never understood how to pray. One might think, well you bow your head, close your eyes, clasp your hands, maybe fall to your knees, or raise your hands to the sky and plea to our Almighty to hear our requests. While these are a few forms, to pray means to really believe in your request. You must feel in your heart, soul, in the very fiber of your DNA, that you believe in the request you are asking of your Father. I compare this to my kids asking for something they really want. They come to myself or The Chad, mostly The Chad(…since I have a tendency to say NO…go figure God would be our Father, Dad’s are better about giving us what we ask for) and make their request with the strongest possibility that we will say yes, but they do not expect any let down. They are open to unimaginable possibilities with our answers, that we may offer up a concession to their request in which we have an answer, with a twist.

A year ago I attended a conference on prayer. Before the conference I read a book by the keynote speaker, Mark Batterson called The Circle Maker. Mark heads up a church in Washington, DC and he prayed circles. By circles I mean he would walk the blocks in the area in which he wanted his church to be planted, he walked circles around the lives and neighborhoods he wanted to transform, he walked circles and prayed while making those circles. His continuous efforts meant that he prayed with conviction and specificity for what he was looking to accomplish, by his consistent efforts his prayers were answered. Maybe not how he expected to a tee, but they were answered where needs were met.

His book and conference transformed the way I looked and thought about prayer.

prayer circles on chalk boardI began to journal my prayers. I began to make prayer circles for what were extremely bold, sometimes superficial, requests we had in our lives. What happened next was not as I expected.

Nothing.

Nothing happened. I even became bored after just two short weeks of writing in the journal of these prayers.

I cursed. I was pissed. I wanted to throw in the towel. What in the bloody world would make these prayers come to be? I believed in these prayers. Requests happened for others, why not me? Why wasn’t God listening to what needed to happen, what needed to be fixed, healing ills, healing hearts, completing miracles.

I found I didn’t believe enough in my requests. I wasn’t broken enough. By broken, I was not allowing myself to succumb to the possibility that He could be moving in my life. By broken, I was not allowing for my life to be transformed by faith. Lacking in conviction I tossed aside prayer because quite frankly I wasn’t feeling it. As most do, they don’t feel the stirring that true conviction in prayer can bring. I also lacked the faith that God saw a higher plan for me. (Deuteronomy 29:29)

Take getting fired. Praying with conviction and stirring to find a new job, to escape the confines of my misogynistic boss. My prayer needed to be less about me. So when I began praying to find a job that made me happy, that made a difference in the world because I felt I was destined for something greater for Him and when I prayed for wisdom for the misogynist…

BAM! Prayer answered. Literally. Less than one month into praying for the boss to have wisdom I was fired.

God has a wonderful sense of humor.

We make these bold requests, prayerfully and faithfully expectant that He will eventually answer those prayers. Sometimes what our prayers need is more specificity in seeking answers. Sometimes we fail to remember is that the answers come in His time…

We so desperately want things to happen overnight. We so badly want our circumstances to change that we begin to muddle the situation. Meddling in the fine details and operations that we then change our prayer direction because something broke. So we pray for the broken to be repaired and we pray for those changes in circumstances.  In those moments I found the best action to take is nothing. Do nothing but pray. God likes to let things break to show us that our earthly ways are not working, stop getting in the middle of the plan.

For example after being fired I immediately began looking for another job. Futilely and completely in vain I hunted for months. Broken, depressed and feeling less than worthy, struggling with what felt like impending doom with the holidays and tightened finances. I took to writing again in order to relieve my struggles, coupled with bold prayer. Admittance I was broken both in my posts and my prayer. What happened next was less than extraordinary.

Tithing 10% of my small unemployment and praying. Emails began to roll in for Christmas promotions. A friendship was rekindled that helped me utilize my God given ability to put emotions and thoughts to words, this same friendship encouraged me to begin promoting on my blog for Christmas. In just a few short months leading up to Christmas I was able to stuff my tree with items that were promotional goodies that you see posted on my blog. These items were transformed into gifts for my children. Yielding enough money to pay for all of Christmas, simply because I have a passion for words. A God given gift to write. A heaven sent answer from prayer. What was even more spectacular was The Chad’s bonus that we had not expected had allowed us to help answer one of our children’s prayer circles that they had: quads.

prayer, power in prayerPrayer moved me more than just these superficial moments. At our 24/7 Prayer event that we had this past fall I signed up to pray for two hours. The church does a phenomenal job of providing prayer prompts to guide you through some of our most basic struggles with life and prayer. I attended with zero expectations and opened my heart. Guided to a black curtain station, setup for privacy reasons, I was greeted with the most uncomfortable and life changing of prayer moments.

Forgiveness.

What was suppose to only be about ten minutes of prayer in this station, where I would move on to other stations, resulted in a full 60 minutes of deep, trembling, crying until my eyes hurt, prayer for forgiveness. I prayed for those who had wronged me, forgiving them because I was holding onto the pain for me, I thought I couldn’t forgive them because that would mean they won, so I prayed for forgiveness.  At the close of my session, I prayed for myself. I prayed that all I had done wrong to myself, how my horrible choices inflicted so much pain, the pain I felt just fueled more pain. The one person and event whom I had total control also resulted in being the most damaging at times. Exiting that day after my hour I felt rejuvenated and freed. The bonds of torture no longer applied to me. I let go of my anger. I let go of the pain. I embraced the power of prayer.

updated prayer circles on chalk boardLooking back at those moments in prayer, observing our prayers and prayer circles, a gritty, raw, realization was made. Everything we wanted as a family, as individuals, had to do with passion. We update our prayer circles based on our passion, specificity and knowing that everything happens in time based on His plan.

I prayed for a new job and was fired. I prayed to become a mom and was gifted three amazing children. I prayed to provide for Christmas, tithed and received an abundance to give to my children. Today I pray more than I have ever prayed before because I know that He is listening. He provides me the comfort in taking away the superficial worry of occasions, events and happenings that are out of my control. He provides me guidance in struggle, clarity in uncertainty, resolve in our conversation. Feeling a conviction that sweeps over you with chills, that makes your very being tremble and shudder is powerful and brings us to our knees in joy and thanksgiving. Take the discomfort out of the thought of prayer by finding comfort in prayer. Believe it, feel it, and see what happens next. Stop using prayer as a conversational consideration but as consideration for conversation.

Posted on

Kickstart your Colon with Coconut Cleanse

Coconut colon cleanse review from Island Vibrance and TheFiveFish.com

The “holidays” are officially over. Valentines marks the close of all the crappy eating, unhealthy food choices and overall gluttony in our lives. For those who didn’t make a New Year’s resolution you are considering your health about this time. You are looking for a way to kickstart your body into the healthy mode; feeling sluggish, fatigued, and just a general overall feeling of meh. Continue reading “Kickstart your Colon with Coconut Cleanse”

Posted on

Easy Kids Valentines

valentines raisin, You're the "raisin" valentine, thefivefish.com, valentines ideas, valentines crafts with raisins

This year I wanted to explore a more creative idea for Valentine’s Day for my kids. Personally, I despise the Hallmark holiday and feel the entire month is wasted upon this one day to determine levels of affection for one another. I digress. I was opposed to buying the typical boxed cards with the perforations that say some cheesy message with the same cheesy cartoon characters. The cost was also irking me at three dollars per box I couldn’t fathom this silly small dollar amount purely for waste, as I knew the Valentines would be tossed aside into my recycle the moment my children brought them home. So I opted for an easy kids Valentine’s Day card option that is functional and edible without processed junk and high fructose corn syrup intoxication on candy. Continue reading “Easy Kids Valentines”

Posted on

Drink Wine Day & Giveaway with Tandoor Chef

thefivefish.com, tandoor chef, indian cuisine

While February is synonymous with Valentine’s I am happy to share if you despise Valentine’s as much as myself we have a new, much more celebrated day to rejoice. National Drink Wine day is on February 18th and gives way for a new way to celebrate the second month of the year.

The folks at Tandoor Chef are helping to kick off the festivities by sharing some of their favorite food, available at your local Safeway grocer, and wine pairings. If you were to ask me, I would have to say just about any Coppola Diamond label is sure to be an excellent choice, white or red, with any food. Personally, I am a fan of red and stock up on Malbec’s and Petite Syrah’s when my fancy strikes.

So the other evening when The Chad was on travel, the kids were at their bible study life groups, I was able to enjoy a warm meal (albeit from the microwave) uninterrupted with a glass of wine. I enjoyed the Palak Paneer which is spinach with a cheese sauce. I love spinach so this was something for me to nosh on in peace and sip my Coppola red blend.

Tandoor Chef has a tool that pairs wine and Indian food, I took a gander at the various wine (and beer) pairings to see what would taste well with each option. While the Palak Paneer indicated a pairing of a Riesling, I opted still for a red. However you might opt for their pairing based on your tastes, and the best part about the pairing tool is the opportunity to win $250 in wine!

Find Tandoor Chef at your local Safeway grocer, or other local grocers near you, and find them online for great meal ideas and deals.

 TandoorChef.com.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Disclaimer: No purchase is necessary to enter. One entrant per household, per address. Void where prohibited by law. Winner(s) will be contacted by email. This giveaway is being sponsored and conducted by Tandoor Chef and is responsible for product shipment to winner of this contest. This event is in no way administered, sponsored, or endorsed by, or associated with, Facebook and/or Twitter, Google, Pinterest. TheFiveFish did receive payment for consumption and promotion of this product, but in no way were influenced or control the contest. Contact karie@thefivefish.com if you have any additional questions or comments.

Posted on

Playing the Good Wife

On the twilight of a day where I completed a fifth and successful interview with the organization that will be bringing me on board I wanted to share my joys, triumphs and excitement for where my life and career are taking me next. Truly this moment is divine, not because I have been struggling in embracing unemployment the last eight months, but because this job is in and of itself Heaven sent. Instead I find myself seeking prayer around each emotional turn, celebrating in quiet as my small triumph has been shadowed by my husband’s tremendous news. I suppose as a good wife it’s our job to put aside our girlish desires and superficial wins in order to celebrate the men in our lives. But today I want a win, I just want my humbling moment to be celebrated by my equal half, I want to celebrate the awesomeness together.

Instead I am playing the doting wife. Ecstatic for the opportunity that presents itself  for my husband in his career, not mine. Selfish all the same because of how dramatic his opportunity will adversely affect our family.

Would our behavior as women behoove us to fall into medieval roles as token matriarchs that lack authority? True figureheads to the men we stand beside, trophies of their accomplishments. Today I feel like that moment. I feel as if all my accolades as a person and woman were somehow dwarfed by the crowning moment of a husband’s career defining job offer. Suddenly, my university studies, self made career as a financial guru and gift to put emotions to words are as belittling as housework. Somehow I have never felt so inferior.

Part of me is wallowing in my own self pity and anger to not speak up to my husband. Somehow I don’t know this woman who is suffering in silence. I have never held my tongue and cannot for the life of me grasp the reason for silence at a time that should be carried out in joy, for both of us. All the while I know I should say something to him in regard to my feelings. I should be exerting my feminine prowess, but I sit in front of my monitor struggling to find the words for the emptiness at such a joyous moment.

Another part of my mute moment would be due to the fact that I fear his resentment. Job of CIO is not to be taken lightly as an offer. Job as CIO that would uproot my children from their home, estranged from our family, friends, community; the comfort and solace, which is like a warming in the heart that we feel when we are at home, the warming replaced with the frigid unknown. Would I be so selfish to ask him to cast aside this offer that would take us to the other end of the nation in the name of money? With no friends. No family. No community. So part of me begs that question of what really matters? Sadly my heart breaks and tears burn in my eyes because I know what matters and none of the aforementioned feel like a factor. His decision is made regardless of my feelings.

The plan is to have the offer maker visit and speak with me about this grand opportunity. Ensure I am on the boat, arm-in-arm with my husband as the quiet supportive spouse, to be there as he needs me as I maintain a stoic appearance of strength and resolve in an unsettling time. All of which makes me want to vomit and scream. A deep desire to share my feelings, fears, triumphant challenges that I eagerly accept but resent all the same for lack of ardent qualities. If only they knew of the big picture in my small offer.

Maybe this is my own faults being played out. Falling too far into humility to never boast of my own accord as this is truly God’s work of the accomplishment, his and my own. Excited to be fulfilling the job in The Kingdom, as I seem to have this higher calling, aside from the desires of the flesh with money. Or silently I sit in jealousy for the dream I formerly had for myself to climb the imaginary ladder…to what end.

So I sit at my couch listening to the silent whir of traffic, the cool scent of the desert’s musk in the air of my open window, reminding me that spring is in the air, all thoughts pulling me away from reeling moments of frustration. Quiet contemplation of whether I should speak up or hold my tongue. Personally at an impasse. He clicks away at his keyboard unassuming of my intentions, feelings, frustrations. I chew on my thoughts like a clod of rawhide, never breaking through but continually foaming into thoughts which lead into more prayers for answers, comfort, guidance. Cursing all the while.

Our relationship has never been so uneven. Never have we chartered these waters. When did I become subservient to him? When did my needs become any less important than his? When did my dreams and aspirations become any less fruitful? When did we no longer become equals. The conflagration of emotions stirring inside my abdomen, indifference, anger, frustration, hurt, jealousy, love and hate. How can one event create such unrest.

Sober with my emotions. Drunk in my thoughts. Ever hopeful that I will find the moment to speak life into my husband and into our marriage for how life will play out next in these earthly theatrics. Ever hopeful to celebrate in my joy with my new career on the horizon, while his causes our lives to teeter off balance. For tonight I am playing the good wife for him.

Posted on

I wasn’t ready to be a parent

boys at airport

Saturday morning was shaping up to be like any normal weekend. Sleeping in, The Chad and I enjoying coffee and a bit of indulgence in our favorite MMORPG. We whipped up some breakfast for the three footers, retreated for some more quiet time at which time G and his sibling entourage asked for their 30 minutes of play time on their tablets. The Chad and I see the importance of practicing with technology as we found their standardized tests include capturing these skills, so we obliged to their request. Little did we know that G would take advantage of this play time and he would be exposed to material beyond his years. He wound up on adult sites and when we discovered his transgressions, at that moment I wasn’t ready to be a parent, I wasn’t ready for my 11 year old son to be exposed, I wasn’t ready to accept my son was growing up way too fast.

When The Chad found G fumbling with his tablet and his face stark with surprise, almost ghastly, we knew something was wrong. The Chad snagged the tablet and we began to review the history. What we saw was something no parent is ever prepared to digest.

We immediately addressed the discontinued use of the tablets and any other technology until further notice. Our daftness was slapping us squarely in the face. Assumptions that we made that our children were too young to seek out these urges were piercing us. We needed to take corrective action post haste, while too late, we had to prevent future damages.

I stood in my kitchen, gazing lovingly at my little boy, sick to my stomach. My doe eyed, chubby baby who was always happy was now exposed to something way beyond his young years. When did he start to grow up? I was choking down tears as my jaw was clenched in pain to hide my fear, my sadness, my immense concern. Reeling over what to say next. His fear pained me the most. G was more concerned about our upset, thinking that he was in trouble and not that his search yielded results that were inappropriate for him, his age. I reached out to him to tell him we are only concerned, we are not mad; we asked him what he was feeling, what he was thinking. At that moment he is what mattered, his experience, and how we explain the experience in an intelligent, objective manner.

I hunched over my sink as I continued to fight any urge to vomit and prayed. I prayed to God for wisdom, strength, clarity, on how to address our conversation with G. I prayed for understanding as to why my son was seeking out adult material on the internet. I prayed just to tell my Father of our experience and that I was so uncertain of what came next but that I trusted he had a plan.

The Chad and I ducked into our room with G to talk about the events. I wasn’t prepared for this. The Chad wasn’t ready for this.

We started off with the basics. Anatomy. In order for him to understand the gravity of the information we were about to share with him he needed to be able to hear the science. He is a science kid, we knew he would get the science. I’m rambling, much like I was that day…at moments.

After we covered anatomy we discussed the mechanics of how the anatomy operates. We paused and asked him if he had questions, we knew he was soaking in all we were telling him like a sponge. We continued down Alice’s rabbit hole as we tripped along, maintaining our diplomacy.

G explained to us that he had urges, thoughts, he was curious. Curious about what exactly. “Undressed women” he said. Composing my laughter was a struggle so I maintained a stone face at his proper choice of words in his answer. Digging more into this we found he was curious about the opposite sex, nude, as boys would be, the desire and curiosity were natural. His comfort level began to increase and he detailed how, while inappropriate for his age, he was curious and interested in “naked ladies.” So much of me was relieved at his naivety and sweetness. I appreciated his candor, his honesty, his ability to speak boldly to us at a time where we felt uneasy, knowing he was uneasy.

Explaining sex to a young boy, I thought might be easier. What was easy was explaining how none of this was wrong. His feelings weren’t wrong. His urges weren’t wrong. His curiosity wasn’t, isn’t wrong. Sex is not wrong. False expectations is wrong. False hopes, those are wrong. The expectation that sex is perfect the first time is wrong. We wanted him to be prepared for reality.

Discussing sexual intercourse with my son was not a highlight for our weekend. Discussing pornography was not what I thought would be the catalyst for our conversation into sexual intercourse. Having this discussion with my [too young] son was not what I was prepared for as a parent. I knew the day would come but I was hopeful, fairy tale hopeful, I had more time. As The Chad and I talked to him about everything we finally got into the details of what led us to this conversation. Our assumptions were that he was seeking pornography at some level, our assumptions were awful, maybe a coping mechanism. When G began to unravel the details and we were more level headed we were greeted with relief.

Comedic relief came when we digressed a bit from the topic of his searches. Pausing to allow him to ask questions, the most memorable question arose and still makes me laugh is, “why does it pop up?” As adults, we automatically go dark on our humor, but his question was in relation to pop up advertisements when he improperly clicked during his search.

My heart swelled with love and joy for his innocence and grasping for understanding at this strange new world I wish he had not yet been exposed. While at that moment I wasn’t ready to be a parent with the sobering experience of detailing sexual intercourse and the entrails that accompany, I thanked God for my son. I felt blessed in that moment that he still had some innocence, that he had such an amazing spirit and outlook. He asked questions, listened with intent. Most of all, I was [am] grateful he had both of his parents to discuss such a difficult, intimate, and sometimes precarious conversation. We both spoke to him with love, facts, and understanding of sex from each of our points of view as a man and a woman. We precluded assumptions, expectations, falsities. His father and I reassured him that there is no shame and he could continue to be open with us as he evolves and matures during this difficult time in life where everything seems to be spiraling out of control. When we felt life as a parent was spiraling out of control.