Questionable Questions

These words are words, phrases, sentences, questions, inquiries you never want to hear uttered from the mouth of your loving DH. I have heard these and in most instances I can answer with one word, a smile, or the look with the eyebrow. Ladies you know that look. The one where you look at DH or some other poor dolt inquirer.

You look at them like “Did you really just ask me that and do you expect an intelligent answer to your clearly daft question?”

So here are a few crowd pleasers that I incur from DH, strangers in Costco who cannot help themselves, and other dolts:

1. Are these clean or dirty? (text can be applied to dishes or clothes)

My response is the look, then I tell him….well do they stink? Do they have gunk on them? Which appliance are they in…dryer means they are dry….after being cleaned! Dishwasher, do they look clean to you?

2. Did you feed the kids yet?

Hmmm, no I was too busy blogging, Tweeting, sending emails that I decided to pour Cheerios all over the floor and let them forage for a few hours before I actually got around to making them a meal.

3. Are you already showered?

I generally smell of my designer perfume (Ralph Lauren Glamorous is one of my faves), I have fresh make-up instead of my Frankenstein Bride eyes, and my shoes are on…..what do you think?

4. Oh wow, are they identical?

Considering that identical means the same…..hmmmm….well one has a penis and the other a vagina…highly doubt they are the same.

5. Do twins run in your family?

This is a “digger” as I call them. Some random unknown individual decides they need to know whether you needed invitro or not to start up a lengthy conversation. Believe me if I had invitro, I would be in a straight jacket….born to breed!

6. How do you do it?

I mean really do I have a choice in this life? I was given a couple of peaches, a pear, and other fruits in my life…I made a salad.

7. What’s for dinner?

Let me ask “Cookie” since she’s in there whipping up some gourmet delight with macaroni and cheese, turkey burger…….why don’t you make dinner for once. Oh right, if it doesn’t have instructions you are lost.

8. (laying peacefully, quietly in bed as I doze into my slumber wonderland) You going to sleep?

What was the first clue?

9. Have you seen my shoes? belt? jeans? Other random article of clothing belonging to someone else OTHER than moi.

Let’s see, I tried it on but was clashing with my shoes today and my other ensemble.

10. Are they all your children?

No, I got these two on sale from a lady down the street and this one the UFO dropped off six years ago. We’re still waiting for them to come back for him.

11. Do they all have the same daddy?

Nope….I decided it would be fun to have twins from two different fathers, and my oldest looks nothing (identical) like his father. I got that question from a dude at Home Depot one day.

12. Is that you or the dog?

Do we really need to go there?

13. Did you clean the house?

Nope, a truckload of munchkins, dwarves and fairies swooped in today and did it all for me, then even left a pair of ruby red slippers for me.

14. Are you going to wear that?

Why does it make my ass look any smaller? If so heck ya! It’s black, does it get any better?

15. Are you going somewhere?

Keys in hand, purse (diaper bag) on shoulders, sunglasses….nope…this is how I stroll around the house.

16. Are the twins asleep?

I don’t hear anything…..do you? (*crickets) Oh wait, there they are, duct taped to the wall, no wonder the house was so quiet.

17. (sitting on the comode) What are you doing?

(Do I truly have to answer?)…..I’m thinking. I do my best thinking with my pants at my ankles sitting on the latrine with little people and adults looking at me.

*UPDATE
18. This one is courtesy of Jenjen @ Gotta Love Mom : Are you tired?

Let’s see I am a mom…..first clue….I wear many hats (chauffeur, maid, dog walker, gardener, pool guy/girl, sex goddess, domestic diva, the list is endless)…second clue….and my work seems to never be done is the final clue. So you tell me….are you tired from listening to me?

19. These are from my dear twin Mom blogger Beth @ Be Careful What You Wish For: “oh my god, what are you going to do?” (The question when you tell people you are going to have twins)

Beth and I were separated at birth, twin moms have this sick sense of humor, which is why God deemed us fit enough to bear and care for more than one child at the same time. Here is Beth’s answer and I almost choked I was laughing so hard:

“i always wished i had the guts to say “actually, we’ve been looking into black market baby sales and it seems like a good deal. i think we are just going to sell them on the internet.”

20. Another Beth question and answer that I love! “Are you marrying your baby’s father?”

Can you imagine if i were to ask people this question in reverse?!?! “Oh, is this baby your husband’s?” (Go give Beth some comment love and a follow, she’s got some great stuff going on her blog! Just click on her linky above)

Do you have any obvious questions that never truly need answers, but find a shady form of comedy to entertain the question to keep from losing your mind. Leave your comments, I would love to share with other Mom’s and Dad’s. Happy Friday!

Keep the comments coming ladies….you know you have had some really stupid questions asked that you where you have experienced a hidden urge to slap the person who asked. All in good fun.

Not Getting It….

I love my moms that dropped by to share their comments about Mother’s Day Sucks! But I have to say that some people are NOT getting the message. I wasn’t bagging on Mother’s Day, I wasn’t saying that my day sucked, I am not that negative. I am a realist…which is why most people dislike me, I give you everything you wanted without a big red bow, without the sugar, just raw, pure, unadulterated slap you in the face good ‘ol honesty *UPDATE There is no drama in honesty, if there is…well then the saying IS true…..ALL THE WORLD IS A STAGE.

Here is the deal with Mother’s Day. You moms, and you know who you are, that go around telling everyone what a “Joy joy wonderful” day you had are full of it! Yup you are grade A, 100% full of minutiae and I will tell you why before you stop following me or leave me a nasty comment that I will leave for ALL to see. You moms are settling. You are settling for ONE lousy ass day for people to treat you like you are special, to appreciate you, to tell you endlessly that they love you. WHY THE HELL DO YOU ALLOW THIS ONLY ON ONE DAY? And then brag about what a singularly wonderful day you had and then the rest suck a goats ear. I say you are settling.

You are settling for less when you deserve more. You deserve to be told at least once a day, once a week, or once every 12 hours that you are appreciated. If you are not being told this or your husband and or children are looking at you like you are speaking Greek then go on strike. If you are not being TOLD everyday at least that you are appreciated then quit. In all honesty quit your job. At a real job you are told you are appreciated, you get a paycheck. The paycheck of being a mom and being a stay at home mom at that is being told you are appreciated.

Some of you are arguing saying “Well I know they appreciate me.” Great, so why not tell you more or more often for that matter. Why do we settle for one day, maybe two a year to receive flowers. Do different flowers not bloom year round? Can you not buy a Hallmark card anytime and anywhere for that matter? Can you not tell me on more than just one day a year how much I am appreciated?

I used to get so angry with DH because I would power clean my house, where you could eat off the floors like they were the finest wood ever laid and my stainless steel was so clean you could use the appliances as mirrors, and then he would just leave clothes, dishes, and whatever strewn everywhere and completely destroy my masterpiece. I thought I am going to quit…to hell with cleaning. But I cannot do that. Why not? I am a clean control freak, I am so OCD about cleaning. I mean I venture into the area around the toilet to clean that no man has gone before….and I do mean no man. If my man went there I know I would get more appreciation as he would see the schtuff I put up with for cleaning, can you say HazMat?

So I finally yelled at him and he asked what exactly I wanted. To be honest I wasn’t sure at the time, but then I was sure. I wanted appreciation. I wanted to be appreciated for the hard work I do around the house. I don’t mind hard work at all, cleaning, yard work, those are all my muse for blog content in addition to the kids. I can putter at my work and think quietly in my head, taking note, and then I am able to look at what I accomplished. And the victory is even sweeter when someone tells me “Wow, looks great babe. Thank you, we appreciate you.” Those few words make every day a great day. I don’t need a pedicure, or a luncheon, flowers, or a card, while they are appreciated I don’t need and or want them. I love the daily appreciation, love, and respect from the everyday and not just on Mother’s Day.

For you Mom’s that had an average day and nothing spectacular, that’s okay. Accept this. I have lived long by this “Expect the worst and hope for the best” that way I am never disappointed or let down. Especially on days like Mother’s Day, but I am not saying I had a craptastic day, I had a nice day, again nothing spectacular, just a really great average day. So while I didn’t have one day where I was treated like a queen, I know that everyday I am a princess who is loved and adored and always goes to bed with her prince. So ladies, here is to you for being a mom!!

A mom has the hardest job on Earth. You are appreciated, you are loved, and you are special, EVERYDAY not just Mother’s Day.

My car and house have Menopause

So DH (Chad) and I have decided to upgrade our home and install a 30 year new A/C unit. Yes, the unit on our home is the original unit. Like everything else the darn thing probably has a stamp that says “1978 Made in Vietnam”. My cabinets said that mind you so I am assuming anything else being replaced must say that. The old A/C unit creates menopause in my home….at around oh say 11pm my house turns into the county morgue. I swear you can chill some fancy prosciutto in this house with how chilly it gets. Then around 2am I wake up sweating like a fat woman stuck in an elevator. Full on drench! My house has now warmed up again, requiring my half dazed self to drag into the hall to turn the thermostat down to my chilly 74*. I like it chilly because gives me a reason to stay cool and cuddle under the covers. Which is retarded because I live in the hottest of the 48 contiguous states. Regardless…off topic.

On top of my house having this wonderful hot and cold spells, my wonderful new mini-van has decided to act in the same fashion. Back on the 9th I had to take it in because the A/C flat out stopped working. I then had a new respect for my mother who also trucked around 3 kids in a car….not only because she trucked them around but did that with NO A/C!! She is a champ! But she was also smart because she took ice cubes that my brother rationed out so sparingly. I mean it will melt otherwise…pass around the damn ice Chris!

Anyway, back to the van. Took it in, got fixed, WEE, cold A/C again. Yeah, this lasted about 3 weeks…exactly 20 days! So I drove the van on Saturday to visit my Mom and get inside after I had ran it to cool it off…..yeah that was in vain. The thing never cooled off and all the kids are loaded ready to go. (Insert lots of curse words!) So, bit the bullet, drove to Mom’s and enjoyed the day. In the meantime, called to yell at the dealership and make another appointment to get it fixed, which is what happened this morning. Had to take the darn thing in. I hope this time they get that fixed…..I am so fed up with A/C issues!! UGH!