Take What You Need and Walk Away

In the dark side of light I was philosophical. I was, truly gnawing, chewing, digesting, spitting up and in my own smitten, selfish way, smiling at the awful incident. One that I thought might have pushed me to my outer edges of passionate, top end emotions.

Jogging in the cold, whipping air, in the twinkles of the cosmos I saw her, the flash, the defeat, the mourning. What was so special about her to cause me to feel the pain, to cry and half throw a fit over the casualty? The damage was done, I made attempts to repair, The Chad came in and made attempts to repair, we walked away, we let the situation simmer.

I was struck, like lightning with my epiphany about how the damage happened, about accepting that I could not mend what I could truly explain as wrecked. Destroyed. Obliterated. I did what any other person would do after digesting such an event.

Call Dell.

My poor hard drive crashed and I realized I felt so much pain for this. I was upset, emotionally tearful for my computer. WHY? I was asking myself and fighting with the situation, “Why are you crying? It’s a machine!” But the machine held a LOT of others secrets, information, it held parts of me, lots of good parts of me. I had come to think I had a “relation” of sorts with my computer. You see she saw me through last year…from beginning to end, so when she crashed I felt myself crash with her.

But I saw this brilliance. On my jog. I saw why I was mourning my hard drive. Crazy as the thought may sound. I was mourning a relationship that was damaged beyond all repair. I could not fix it, there was no reason, shit. just. happened! My brilliance was that hard drives are so much like people, relationships, relations. They crash, for no reason, totally unexpected, and the only thing you can do is make an honest attempt to repair. I F2’ed, I F12’ed, I F8’ed until I finally said F it and accepted the crash.

What helped me to accept the crash was The Chad. Telling me, “these things happen, hard drives crash, they are man made, they spin around and they just break.” That is what hit me on my jog. My dark side of light, to see that people we have in our lives spin around and around, they have a purpose, they offer us something, we reciprocate, and sometimes they crash because they have spun themselves out in an unhealthy way.

The crash is the hardest. I realized that I have had crashes, we all have crashes. But coming to the realization. that continuing to work on something that spun itself into a cosmic oblivion of nothingness, is toxic and is the first step to acceptance, to moving on. I found so much relief to know that what I needed from my hard drive could be salvaged via an external box. I will leave the technical mumbo out. By understanding that certain snips and scraps if not everything but the OLD operating system could be saved, I realized that in myself. I was salvaging from these crashes everything but the old operating system, I was evolving. I was letting go.

My hard drives have crashed with other people, I made every attempt to repair (including myself) and saw that I was not in repair but that those who I thought needed the mend were crashed. They are gone, they brought nothing else to a life, my life, anyone’s life. They are broken, NO ONE, not even their own repair system could fix them. I came to see that sometimes we have to accept things, people, relationships, crash and are broken, but if we can try to revive after the crash walking away with what really matters, taking the vital shards of what was scathed that we can move on. We can learn, we can eliminate the garbage, that what might have spun us into oblivion. Walking away taking pride, love, self respect, courage, honesty, justice, patience, forgiveness, to name a few and above else walking away with wisdom showed me that the damage really was not all that devastating. I walked away with A LOT!

Mourning was quick. I found that the drawn out mourning of a relationship was more of guilt. The Monday morning quarterback as I like to call it, “shoulda, coulda, woulda’,” or the face you feel some neglect, that you could have done more and I didn’t do that. I laughed. I laughed and smiled and felt such a relief that so much was gone that really was petty. I was starting new in a sense, only that much smarter, that much wiser, and that much lighter by not having that spinning hard drive, the constant spinning of toxic people in my life. So we have to look at when a crash happens, do we want to salvage the WHOLE drive or do we want to salvage just the parts that matter? Our own parts, our own operations, or do we want the supporting systems that really are the most vital?

After you repair do you ignore the crash or do you take away what you need, still remembering the fragility of man and that sometimes things, people, relationships crash. All we can do is call in our support, accept, move on and grow; grow up and away from that which was damaging. A new year, a new hard drive, new lessons.

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Twin Talk

The Squids are coming into their own, more and more they are true gnomes becoming the funniest little people I have yet to meet. Here they are in all their glory. They are excited…can you see it?
Sara, what is your brother’s name? Sess
Seth, what is your sister’s name? Can you say Sara? Bitty
Sara’s words:
Sass = Trash.
Sometimes the trash can be a little sassy. Pew…what’s that funk?
Buh bye = buh bye
I’m leaving with you….let me get my shoes…NOW. (insert screaming toddler)
Gee gee = Ginger
The family Bulldog.
Kee = kitty
Do you remember the girl from the Looney Tunes?
I want to hug them, love them, pet them, yeah, she is pretty ape shit crazy over kitties.
Shoos = shoes
Pretty clear on this…she manages her way into my closet and clomps around the house in my heels. Impressive for a two year old toddler to manage 3-5inch heels.
Ugh ugh = That
Grunting that suggests she wants whatever the hell you have….fork it over.
All duh = All done
Whatever I am doing, eating, pooping, getting into trouble…all done.
Shit = Ship, chip
We really have no effing clue. She uses it frequently and in the correct text. We are thinking shit is shit. All duh.
Seth’s words:

Shoos = Shoes
Gingrr = Ginger
The “e” in Ginger is just completely silent or more of a “u” sound.
Spee = Fork, spoon
We know he wants utensils when he asks for spee
Ny Ny = Night Night
Hi Ho Hi Ho off to bed we go.
Ah = Bye
Just a quick wave is the only indicator of the word he is saying.
Dada = Mom and Dad
Whomever is in range of his parental demands gets the Dada call
HELL-LOW = Hello
The happiest hello you will ever hear…ever!
Doh = Door
He has an OCD obsession about doors…clearly gets the door part from him father.
Oh nee = bologna
Yum buddy!

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Growing Up is Hard to Do

After posting my New Year’s montage the comments from you, my readers, triggered a whirlwind of thoughts. One comment specifically from my friend over @ A Nut In a Nutshell mentioned how I appeared to be a bit of a party girl.

I used to be.

I used to party every night I could from the time I had my own car in high school until….well I grew up. Until sometime in my 20s I found that partying and going to the bars and dealing with all that minutiae was just that. CRAP. A load of bullshit and really, what was the point? What point was there to hitting the bar and drinking until buzzed or partially intoxicated? Fun?! What was so fun about making an ass of oneself? What was so fun about chugging water and taking B12 the following day, possibly even a Bloody Mary for a taste of the hair of the dog that bit you.

But I got over it. I got over the need to sow any wild oats, I got tired of the wasteful spending on alcohol, the running amok and doing what I wanted got old. Real. Fast. Why? Because from 18-25 I got to be me. I had the opportunity to evaluate crucial moments in my life, I lived, I effed up, A LOT, I learned, I was me, for me, and only me. What people don’t realize is how much really truly happens in the pivotal age range of 18-25:

  • Graduate High school and move out
  • Go to College, live on your own, maybe with roommates
  • Work first REAL job, maybe while attending college
  • Meet life long friends, or continue friendships forged previous to high school
  • Graduate college
  • Obtain first REAL job with college credentials
  • Gain life experience
  • Possibly buy first car, open first credit card, maybe buy a house
  • Do the walk of shame (maybe more than once)
  • Get arrested
  • Avoid getting arrested
  • Get married
  • Figure out what you are going to do with your life (generally at age 20 this comes to mind)
  • Figure out what you are going to be when you grow up
  • Meet a future spouse, or get engaged

As you can see a general and brief smorgasbord of events happen from the time you age from 18-25. However, some people never experience these events and the reason why is their life choices which makes their growing up experience much more different. Because their experiences will vary so greatly, their experiences during the pivotal age range will shape their adulthood beyond age 25. Even one (possibly two) bad decisions will transform your life.

The Chad was a wise young man when he shared these facts with me. He was maybe, at best, cresting 25 himself when he shared the fact of growing up to me when I was barely cresting 20. By the time I was 20 I had done almost everything stated above….except get married, figure out what I want to be when I grow up, have kids, I mean I was still a kid myself.

During the time of 18-25 you figure yourself out as a person. A singular person. No longer are you a child in your parents home. No longer are you a student in an “elementary” school, requiring your attendance. You are an adult. A singular being deciphering the game of life, day by day, moment by moment. Curfew is something for kids who “live at home” or at best “Minors” for the sake of calling a legal adult an adult. More time is spent with your friends in a non-parental defying manner. Responsibility is learned, respect, self-respect, boundaries, self-awareness, quite literally you become a person you never thought you knew you could be, were or are. All the while the only responsibility you had…was to yourself. No one else, not to your parents, just yourself, and self-discipline was actualized.

But some do not evolve in this same manner. They missed the polar age range of evolution into albeit adulthood. Because once you crown your late 20s and truly are a “20 something” finally certain life aspects begin to click, the biological clock begins to tick for some, the desire to settle down, the want to be more in life, want more out of life, the realization of some form of deprivation exists in your life. Some desired affirmations:

I want to get married
I want to have children
I want to buy a house, a Lexus, furniture
I want to remodel
I want to be and do more

You begin to sound and act like your parents in a sense. The way they might have acted before having children. The standard progression into “adulthood” if I may. I look back at my pictures that The Chad and I took and we did A LOT. We traveled, we partied (a LOT because we had the means), we bought lots of luxury cars before I was even old enough to receive the late 20s auto insurance discount, I bought a house, got credit cards that were maxed and paid off a lot, and shortly before I turned 25 I realized I wanted more.

So in my time frame I did a lot, I learned A LOT, I cried a lot, cursed growing up, was frustrated, pissed, confused, lost and found, but most of all I had fun. I had fun figuring out what the hell I was doing, where I was going, who I wanted to be, what I wanted out of life. I realized what I was and was not ready for, what I could and could not handle, the events that needed time and the events that needed to be put on hold. More so, I saw those who missed out. People who missed the 18-25 bus and did not get the chance to fail and succeed, live and learn, be an individual without anyone or anything tying them down, they missed out on being an “adult” and figuring out how to grow up. I found that I truly grew up, that my late teens and my earliest 20s were for fun. My mid-20s I started to have everything click, my late 20s I truly settled down. I had a son by this time, we bought another house, celebrated some wedding anniversaries, fell down and picked ourselves back up again. I am lucky I had my late teens and early 20s to figure life out by myself, no tie downs, no responsibility except to myself, no boundaries except my own, just me, by myself.

Now moving well into my 30s I can look back and laugh. I can enjoy my life of what I did, some of the mistakes I made and definitely learned from, the choice to marry when I did, have kids when I did, to look at the life I was leading and the life I wanted to lead. I grew up. I am still growing up. But now I can admit I know a lot of nothing, where before I thought I knew everything. I can also look back and know I have NO REGRETS. If I regretted any decisions I made, didn’t make, should have made, I would not be where I am today. What were your choices? Where are you in your life? Are you still figuring life out?

Here is a beautifully written post by my friend Jenine. You know her as Badger Momma, absolutely breath taking the way 18-25 can shape your life in one way or another.

Priceless Gifts

Our family has a tradition of spending Christmas Eve with The Hudson side of my family (father’s side) while Christmas Day was generally reserved for my mother’s family. Especially since my parents divorced over 20 years ago Christmases continued on in this fashion, even after we grew up Christmases and the eve was spent much this way, however, with a few variations due to the fact I lived in another state and now had additional family to accommodate with being with The Chad.
This year was like any Christmas Eve, making the trek to the southern part of Arizona to spend Christmas Eve with my grandparent’s. But this year was ever so bittersweet and meant so much more since the passing of my grandfather in October. I still have a hard time with the fact he is gone…probably because he is not and never will be gone from my heart and the many memories I have of him and the holidays, weekends, and in between we shared together.
So upon leaving to make the drive south on I-10 I made sure to load up on wonderful goodies to share with my family. The Hudson’s have always been very near and dear to my heart, with all our trials and drama, we are nonetheless family. I bagged up my fresh black eyed peas (just need to be shucked) for my family to eat for New Year’s. If you didn’t know black eyed peas signify wealth (or coins actually) for a prosperous new year, I packaged up the ornaments Grant and I made, the baked goodies, the kids, a homemade DVD for my grandmother to enjoy, and this year I received a gift from the One2One Network which was a Tony Bennett holiday CD. While I love Tony Bennett I knew my grandmother would be even more appreciative, because she REALLY loves Tony Bennett and Christmas is her favorite holiday so these two were a winning combination for her. Thank you One2One for the gift I could share with my grandmother.
We loaded the kids and made the drive. Arriving with plenty of time to pour wine, snack on some goodies, share lots of laughs and hugs with family not seen except for (sometimes in our cases) funerals. Dinner was served, my grandmother’s traditional ham, broccoli salad, my aunt’s mustard mold (it was a beautiful mold of mustard), my other aunt’s FABULOUS potato salad, plenty of food, good family, laughs, and tears for the beautiful prayer my grandmother said in honor of the holiday and the angel missing at our table, my grandfather.
After dinner we finally got to the brass tax of things and started to open gifts. My uncle made a point to share how my grandfather was not fond of Christmas (I share his belief….as I said…he and I were of the same cloth in many ways) but he always busted his arse to make sure that enough money was made to pay for the joyous holiday, that all the kids, grand-kids, and now great-grand-kids had wonderful gifts to open. While he was absent for this year, and this year also brought many financial hardships to our family and others, the holiday was still joyous and ever special with the wonderful gifts to be opened and shared.
He could not have been more true with his words. These are the beautiful gifts received by The Chad and I from my family on Christmas Eve. Gifts to last my grandparent’s lifetime, my lifetime, and soon, the times of my children; gifts to never be replaced, exchanged, or packed away, but honored, cherished, and stories to be told of these gifts for a lifetime.
My grandmother’s Spode.
Some of these pieces are no longer available and as my grandmother shared in her card:
“Little of a little, to the girl who appreciates it all!”
My grandmother gifted me a few pieces of her Spode Christmas Tree collection to as she said “whet” my appetite for the ENTIRE collection that I will be receiving over the many years to come that she has left in this life and upon her passing I will be the recipient of the complete collection. YES. COMPLETE.
The worth is priceless in my opinion. So many Christmas holidays were spent eating and drinking with these pieces of fine china, stemware, flatware, and glassware, the wonderful memories.
All the serving pieces, china, table settings, and even pieces like the beautiful ornament that has a compartment to refill with wonderful scented potpourri.
A gift received by The Chad. My grandfather’s pocket watch.
I believe this has more strong sentimental value to me than to The Chad, though the gift did bring him to tears. My grandmother each gave a wrist watch to each of her son’s and grandson’s (my brother and half-brother) and finally an heirloom gift to “keep in the family” as she said in the card to The Chad.
A wonderful honor, priceless gift, and a beautiful memento of how truly special my grandfather and my family are to me, how special we are to them, and how special my husband is to my family.
A collage made by my Aunt Shawn, for me. I lost it. I could barely keep my composure and the only words I could get out were “You’re an asshole Shawn!” But she knew how much this means to me. How very special and cherished my family is to me, how my grandfather was like no other man in my life. The collage contains a picture of my great-grandparents (top right), my grandparents at their 50th wedding anniversary (top middle), my grandparents and their children, my aunts, uncles, father (top left), my grandfather’s memorial picture (bottom left), my grandfather’s senior picture…the handsome devil he is (bottom middle) and the picture to the bottom left is all of our family.
I was pregnant with Grant in this photo. All of my brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins, nieces, EVERYONE is in that photo. Again, priceless. words could not and still cannot describe how wonderful a gift this was to receive. Even more priceless was the gift received by my aunts and uncles from my grandmother. Another honor that brought me to tears and one to be cherished by my family forever. I wrote a tribute to be shared at my grandfather’s memorial service, as did my aunt Doreen and my aunt Vicia.
Each of these tributes captured what is, was, and always will be the true essence and being of my grandfather in his life and in the next. These tributes were framed beautifully all next to one another and given as gifts to my aunts and uncles on behalf of my grandmother. A gift I was so honored to be a part of and had no idea. Here is the tribute I wrote that was the last to be shared at the memorial:

My grandfather was and still is the patriarch of the family. He is the rock, always steady and calm, weathering every storm. He was always the joker, trouble maker, story teller, shepherd of all his grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Watching as they all played happily, giggling, laughing, he would bask in their innocence and fun. Occasionally he would join in on the fun and games. If you ask any of his grandchildren they will tell you his was perfect, despite all of his imperfections, Grandpa could do anything. In fact many of us believed he roped and hung the moon.

I recall many holidays, family gatherings, and weekends that I would spend with Grandma and Grandpa; they are and will always be some of my fondest childhood memories. I spent a great deal of my childhood with them.

At one of their homes in Eloy, shortly after they got Brig I recall Grandpa showing us how Brig would nip at your heels. As a child this was greatly exciting and scary all the same, considering the size of Brig compared to our small childish frames. Grandpa showed us to shuffle our feet and get Brig riled up, tell us to run like hell for the stalls and jump onto the railing. He would belly laugh and cackle to watch myself and my siblings, Chris and Brittany, run as fast as we could, but his cackle grew increasingly strong as you heard the shriek of Grandma Tina yelling through the kitchen window, “Danny!!! You Stop that and tell those kids to get in this house right now!” He was so good at getting her just as riled up as the dog.

He would reach the back door after riding or being in the stall with Sonny and stamp his feet as dust came rising off his boots and jeans. You could hear her from the other room scolding him and he would giggle under his breath, as he took those boots off at the back door. Grandpa spent a lot of hours, which seemed like days to me, in those stalls. I felt like we would walk for miles with him, at the house off the highway where they lived, which was next to the stud farm. He would walk us around, talking about horses, telling us everything and how that equated to life. The man was so graceful, he was in his element around a horse, he is my cowboy and no other will ever measure up to my Grandpa. He was lean, strong, wiry, and gentle, he could be cruel and kind all at the same time, and he was like no other man I have ever met.

He could tell you all you ever wanted to know about horses. But he could also take you on his lap, sit you there for hours and tell you about horses and cars, baseball, basketball, men and women, love and life, and he always had room to talk about business, he was savvy in business. Grandpa had a story, a lesson, a passion, and an unyielding love for horses, cars, sports and life; he told me “If you don’t love what you do, then you need to do something else, love what you do, find your niche. Life is not worth living if you don’t love it, love what you do, and don’t let anyone tell you how to do it.” Grandpa had a way of always doing things his way, they made sense, they were fun, and he showed that life was to be lived for every moment, no matter how big or small, good or bad, everything had a reason.

I will always remember the way Grandpa smelled. My family has a thing with smells, I think I get that from Grandma because her house always smelled like the freshest florist or the warmest bakery, it was heaven. But I remember the rough, calloused, and gentle smell of his hands, the hint of warm, earthy, dust from his morning ride, the remnant smell of a vanilla tobacco pipe, leather from his boots, chaps, and saddle, the sweat off his Stetson, the cotton from his shirt and jeans, and the air of his cologne. Each and every time I hugged him I could smell those smells, I can still smell him to this day. I know when I recall the smell I was at home, he was home.

My relationship with my grandpa cannot be expressed, the words will not come. A dear friend of mine (who recently lost her grandfather) told me that the love and relationship between a grandfather and his eldest grandchild and granddaughter is “magical.” He truly was magical, his life, the experiences we shared, and the memories I hold dear, will always be magical.

I love you forever and always, Kare babe.

Those are the gifts that holidays and moments are made of, not the fancy electronics, the Lexus with the big red bow, the diamond pendant, none of those matter…the simple gifts of love, the time and thought are what make gifts at the holidays priceless.
What were and or are your priceless gifts? Gifts your children handmade at school or with your spouse? Maybe your parents still have gifts you made as a child? Maybe even the simple gift of conception, family love.

New Years of Old

A little montage to show you how, many a New Years have been celebrated by The Chad and I…and then with the kids.
Enjoy!
My first New Years as an adult….in a bar….still underage….and over drinking! Cantcha tell?
Looks like The Chad and his best friend have the same problem….over drinking…ha ha!
Yes the same night….same place…we were playing 3-man with some very good friends. The year we spent New Years in Temecula.
The year WE hosted New Years….and lets say that the clean up is NASTAY when you are hungover!
The year we spent New Years with my brother and sister-in-law….yes that is The Chad….kissing my sister-in-law it’s a thing he does…..good times!
Now that is true family….a couple of drunks playing chess….yes….I am drunk with my brother…who was also drunk….playing chess. We rock!
The year we decided to start remodeling the house….at New Years….with Grant….look how little he is! Probably about the twins’ age…craziness
That is a fun New Years….water guns!
At least Mom and Dad made it to the ball drop!
Happy New Years, be safe everyone!
See you all next year.

Holiday Traditions

I tweeted and updated my Facebook status on how fabulous this holiday season would be, even after a tumultuous Thanksgiving I knew Christmas would completely drown everything that happened.

For the week leading up to Christmas Big G and I were on a Betty Crocker roll. I think I was channeling her or Martha Stewart for that matter with how many crafts and baking we accomplished together. We started by making these absolutely easy and aromatic Christmas ornaments courtesy of my friend Casey over at Extraordinary Mothers. Look at these beauties, I was so proud of my baby for sticking with the project.

We used some super simple ribbon too. Just a bit of wired ribbon and decorative craft rope and we have insta- ornaments that not only look fantastic and can be dressed up but smell absolutely intoxicating!

Next we did some rolled and cut Gingerbread Man cookies that were just the most tender, sweet, soft delicious cookies you could ever have. We did THREE dozen of those cookies. Look at the boy go! I was so proud he had so much fun…and we chowed on some dough! What good are cookies without cookie dough to nibble on.

So we moved onto more fun cookies and we did some really fun sugar cookies. I decided to use my new Wilton’s Cookie Press that I won from my friend Sandra over at Adventures In Mommyland (you should read…this woman has amazing strength!) and we did fabulous Christmas tree press cookies and some “star” shapes that actually looked more like flowers and we decorated as such.

Finally I made THREE, yes THREE homemade, from scratch, did not buy the shit in a pan from the store, PIES. I know I am a culinary snob…I truly enjoy the insult of being a snob, I pride myself in this delight. I have skills and I am proud to flaunt! HA HA HA. Okay, so enough of me, here is my prize winning pie…well actually it was eaten too fast before I could take a beauty shot, but I do have the original specimen, and I will be posting the recipe for Morsel Monday next week since I have failed to play along with consistent blogging this week. A-Okay by me, enjoying the relaxing time the no pressure of posting. But here is the specimen that I speak of…yes…that is a Pumpkin. An albino (white) pumpkin and what the insides look like after being cooked/mashed. Pretty right? Just imagine the taste. OH EM GEE!

The three wise pies were my infamous and prized beauties that each of my Grandmother’s raved over (yes both Grandmothers asked for the recipe….the women with phenomenal, mad cooking abilities wanted MY recipe!), my aunt’s who both have an insane level of gift in the culinary arts wanted the recipe, and of course my mother…who legitimized my claim of THE PERFECT child cook said my pie was better than the other pie she had that day…or any other day or holiday for that matter. Well of course…mine was made with love…not from an assembly line and stamped with the brand of “Marie Callendar’s.” kthxbai

I then worked on my Turkish chocolate cake. This cake was like no other though, more of a Swiss Roll with wonderful whipped cream inside…again, another recipe I will be sure to post. Super easy, super delish and very decadent. A true dessert cake and delicacy. However, one cake did not roll, so it was a layer cake of sorts, the other did roll, beautifully so I hauled that with us, along with the pecan pie, oh and the divinity. Yes, I made divinity. Which is a true feat to successfully create this confection in winter due to the weather and often cloudy days. You cannot make divinity on a cloudy day…same with fudge…the consistency just isn’t right. But I hauled all these goodies to my Grandmother’s house in Casa Grande for my 31st Christmas Eve celebration with her, with my Grandfather’s passing which was ever so bittersweet a celebration of family nonetheless, my aunt’s who had I many a laughs with, and my uncle who I joined in sarcastic witty banter as we jabbed others and one another.

Needless to say while the gifts were not overly plentiful as some may expect, the love of family, being together, having fun, and the creations of love and joy were shared abound. Those gifts are the gifts that carry no price, can never be replaced, and are felt year round and are remembered for a lifetime.

What were your holiday traditions? Family traditions? Baking fun? Any childhood memories you had that carry on with your present family? Children?

The Joy of Family

I have been blessed with a very mellow dramatic, albeit over exaggerating, PPM (poor pity me), GOOD GAWD WTF type of family. I did not choose them. In fact, I chose my family in the eighth grade, Angela Lansbury I believe was my grandmother of depiction. I would need to search out that childhood project for excellent blog fodder. Regardless, my family is highly entertaining.

The theatrics is so thick one would have to wear a parka, rain boots, goggles and maybe a helmet to avoid the depth of shit that oozes from my family. Truly a made for TV, Lifetime mini drama.

Ttoday when I finally have begun my recuperating from the holiday I receive this email…which really doesn’t set off any emotion, just highly irritating to have my precious web invaded by such a load of horse shit:

It is my humble opinion, that once a human being with even the average level in intelligence upon viewing this, does not realize how petty their resentments, attitudes, greed,pride, avarice,greivances or grudges,self importance,anger,hatred,the denying of relationships of loved ones from loved ones out of some misguided ideation of superior morality or emotional maturity, does not realize how truly unimportant , in the grand scheme of God’s directives and teachings are in comparison has no soul and has not nor will not have a life worth living.

Now that “humble opinion” is that of my overly arrogant, clueless, alcoholic, overly medicated, sperm donating, excuse for a father. Sad really. I laughed and shook my head. The email was about the cosmos and relation to size, not sweating the small stuff, yadda, yadda, yadda. Whatevs. I generally read, say to myself “Cool” take the message and move on. But that first bit of hogwash had me saying “Oh please let the level of chaos and mellow drama stop….PUH LEASE!”

My “father” if you can refer to him as such, I generally call him by his first name so for the sake of privacy I will call him PITA; PITA seems to think I harbor some sort of anger, hate, grudge, whatever the eff the man believes based on his delusions of grandeur brought on by almost 40 years of substance abuse. Seriously, he thinks I must have LOADS of energy and feeling to be wasted on pointless, energy consuming, time wasting feelings of hate, anger, and grudge. Really, those feelings would require me to have a feeling or a care or want. Of which I am void.

Why?

Because why waste and let the little things like my PITA’s transference get in the way of my life, why let him get to me because he carries these feelings himself about the pure fact he was an empty excuse for a parent.

He was a worthless excuse for a spouse….to all of his wives. Oh wait…ah yes, I forgot…it’s a conspiracy, they (the former wives…including my mother) were all out to get him. To dump on him…the alcoholic, the drug addict, the PPM syndrome. I see this a lot in my family by more than just PITA, as if everyone else looks to dump on them. OY!

I guess what I am just up in arms at myself about was the fact that I even submitted any energy to the PITA on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. WHAT.A. JOKE. I made the mistake of showing gratitude, an attitude I carry with everything in life. Yes, I am quite thankful for bad happenings too…they do have a reason. Nothing in life happens by coincidence. So yes, I was thankful for the gifts The Chad and I received from PITA and the gifts received by my children, of which 2/3rds of the gifts will probably never be used because PITA has never taken the time to get to know ME as a daughter, let alone my children. Nope. PITA told me in a text (which I love writing for this fact…the statement cannot be claimed as conjecture. Seriously people if you don’t want people to second guess you, never put your crap in writing.) Oh yes, the text:

Just so the kids know that they have a Grandpa “PITA” that love’s them & they remember if only vaguely.

Here is my deal….this almost infuriated me…more or less was annoying at the sheer ignorance, and the fact the moron took so much time to type something that clearly states his own narcissism. My kids have no idea about their Grandpa PITA. Why? He’s toxic, so I do not allow him in my life. If I do, I am ALWAYS burned, so after 31 years I finally put my foot down. Seriously, when I get an over dramatic call that I, yes ME, am to bail HIM out of jail. Uh, negative ghost rider the pattern is full….full of your shit…and you are NOT my responsibility. The call was over excited, like a teen who was just busted and wanted Mom and Dad to bail them out of the shit hole they dug themselves into. No thanks. A reason why I DO NOT associate with him. But of course I get the attitude of disdain and “I can’t believe you are doing this to me” when I say…NO and I have children, you are not one of them.

I think I heard a hallelujah.

Anyway, PITA seems more interested that my children know of HIS existence than he does of theirs; and he wonder’s why I have nothing to do with him. Oh, maybe because you did the same thing to me as a child resulting in adult issues that I had to seek therapy and healing for. ALRIGHTY THEN! So I am glad to say I love the power of IGNORE, BLOCK, JUNK MAIL, Remove Sender and all the electronic powers that be, so that I never have to see another annoying email, text, or even paper letter again. Thank you USPS for the “Return to Sender” option within the postal service.

All I can do is pray that one day, if that SHOULD ever happen (highly doubtful), he will see the importance in knowing OTHER people and not that they always know YOU! Especially when they are family. Do you have any family members like that? They thrive on self-loathing, pity, and transference? The misery loves company syndrome as well? How do you deal with toxic family?

Your Newest Mormon

Yes, that hot vixen….
Should be Mormon!
And for those who are Mormon, I would convert to LDS to be proper.
Here are my reasons to be Mormon:
  • All my friends are LDS (at least a good portion)
  • LDS have THE BEST support and networking
  • They never cuss (this would be good redemption for my sailor mouth)
  • I have enough kids to work my way into the lower echelon
  • I drive a B M W (Big Mormon Wagon) aka The Minivan
  • I buy in bulk already
  • I believe Jesus was a carpenter (LOL!)
  • I do not celebrate Easter the way Catholics and some Christians celebrate…just the bunny (ha ha!!)
  • I live in Mesa, AZ aka the Little Provo of Arizona
  • I have lived in more Mormon towns than not (Mesa, Chandler, Show Low, Snowflake, St Johns WREAK of LDS  lol!!)
  • I have a standing order from a LDS friend for 50% tithing and 50% Sundays, that’s a killer deal!
  • I am within walking distance to a local church, seriously, like I can see the steeple from my kitchen window!
  • They won’t have to baptize me again when I am dead
  • I like this line of clothes and am holding a Shade Clothing giveaway (My friend Carissa told me I don’t get any more Mormon than that!)
  • Finally….I have the MOTHER of all reasons to convert to LDS
I HAVE THE MOTHER OF ALL PANTRIES!!!
YES!!
My walk in. Fully stocked. Loaded to the Hilt
PANTRY!
Those shelves are 24″ or more deep…with FOOD!
Now I should show you my Mormon garage with water, another fridge, and all my extra canned/dry goods!

Have We Met

You want real posts….let’s get real.

Karie Noel (Hudson) Herring
Born July 29th

I have had my life fall apart and put back together again free of assistance, pity, completely lost, insecure, fighting, grappling for proof of life at the end of mass destruction. I have loved, I have lost, I have hated only to transition into pity and finally indifference. I am a “feeler” albeit I take everything personally not purposely but out of a sense of unknown connection, maybe the need for acceptance even though I prefer to be a loner. I have tempted fate, death, only to find life, and that in this life coincidences do not exist, a well plotted three act play. I have my mothers heart and my fathers moxie. But I am damaged, even through pain and healing.

I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother, woman. I can take your breath away and give it back all at once. My beauty does not overwhelm my being, but rather a simple knowledge and modesty that all are as beautiful and the ugliness is in immorality and wickedness.

I am a Leo. By all means I am loyal to the bone though in the face of distrust and disloyal conduct I am a front of offense and meanness a defense mechanism to protect a fragile, kind heart, an open book of emotion and feeling. Once scorned my well-known aura and light of love are scorned to darkness. The sun is my sign, to which I thrive by, radiate, and hunt the light, my internal burning light is what draws others to me, a moth to a flame. I am a survivor, hunting for purpose and tranquility with ferocity and intent. When I have found my prize I am relentless in obtaining that for which I want. I am proud but have swallowed the pill many a times. Like any big cat I crave for the acceptance in my hard work, persistence, the acknowledgment that often is ignored.

“What you see is what you get” 

I make no changes, exceptions, I am who I am. Full of brash comments spewing truth, my boldness is more often mistaken for rudeness albeit snarky but never hurtful with intention. I am a trailblazer and part of this trait is I get what I deserve and as a two part, others reap what I sow mistaking my generosity for charity. I am stubborn, hard-headed, willful and no one stands in my way, however, my kind heart allows me to consider others feelings as to prevent hurt while on my mission. 

Part of who I am is that I am highly observant, seeing the underbelly of truth and meaning, allowing me to gain a higher perspective for any situation and my surroundings. Bullshit can be smelled from a mile away by my extra-sensory call it the sixth sense but the ability to determine a lie from the truth no matter the severity is an uncanny ability when meeting people. My tact and couth however allows me to not always call out the truth for those who blatantly spew and emit falsehoods. However, I am bound by my word, what I say is the truth and I bear life by my own truths. I say what often needs to be said, full of heart, possibly with lack luster but better off speaking to those, I have no fear and would rather say too much than to never say what needs to be said.

I never ask or look for handouts. As no one steps on my dreams I work that much harder. I take pity on those who constantly take and take and never give back, but only give back for their own personal gain, not for the sake of giving, the sheer joy in someone’s pure, truthful enjoyment, I only hope that one day their karma check will be cashed. I rise above and help myself because if I cannot help myself I feel I cannot help others. I also believe hard work only makes one stronger, but I feel I have always worked doubly hard which might explain my jaded outlook, my snarky demeanor. With my hardwork I do not flaut it or promote, maybe I should but I am modest with my hardwork and should not have to spot light ti but rather let the results speak for themselves.

I do not practice any religion but I do answer to a higher moral beacon, with a simple basis of right and wrong, good and bad, earned respect, mortal consideration of beings with feelings. I have no use for divine paragons and divinity is both immanent and transcendent. Mysticism is alive and well, De ja` vu’ is but our past life emerging briefly to foreshadow our well plotted three-act play of life. Life is life, a journey, a constant classroom of new experiences, the rehash of old. Call me a Neo-Pagan, I am more earthbound, the metaphysical excites and intrigues me. I light candles, I pray each time I drive or for those in need of prayer, I think and send out karma and mojo in all directions good or bad. A nice balance if you ask me. But I do not pray to any God or Heavenly Father, but some providential Higher power of sorts. God is not only man but quite possibly a woman. While humans are capable of great feats I do believe not all feats are meant to be reached. An intricate balance between science, technology and the respect for the providential higher power. I am a dreamer but grounded by my realism and perpetual optimism. 

Not always a loner

I never wanted to get married or have children. EVER. My contentedness of traveling a life alone and without rules was highly appealing but my internal driving clock and love for caring for my own young was appealing, and yet unappealing to my lifestyle. I enjoy my alone time and need for three feet of personal space, but I also crave the attention and company of others as long as they are intellectually stimulating. Otherwise I bore easily, simply amusing those to avoid an uncomfortable situation of truths.

I mentioned my ferocity correct? Could you imagine that ferocity in the way I care for my young. Ah yes, the power of the great lioness with her cunning protection and love. My mate also receives a loyal and unwavering love. Speaking of love I am a fiery lover with an insatiable desire for passion and romance. Forbidden love makes my sex on fire and yearn for more.

But even a mother and woman needs her time away to which I pride myself and my flowing mane with a run or a dance. Running is freeing and an adrenaline rush of raw endorphins to work off any angsts, my time for meditation of pure quiet and solitude. I dance because as a Leo and part of who I am I love the limelight, and proud enough to know I am a fabulous dancer. I read for enjoyment and to escape for a fantasy. I daydream but am a realist. However, I know that “days like this” exist.

I am a loyal and truthful friend. As I do take a lot of life personally I cherish and hold onto beautiful relationships. Not everyone can be considered a friend, let alone a best friend, not even family fits the bill of friend. I believe a best friend is close to being like family where he or she is never disloyal, unfaithful, and loves without conditions. Friends are not based on convenience but a spiritual, quite possibly divine connection, people cut from the same cloth. Maintaining the same level of morals, integrity, principles and values for people as humans regardless of wrong doings, the Rogerian theory of we are all inherently good by nature.

I hope I said all that I needed to say.

With that I hope you have a better glimpse into what kind of person I am and my friendship.

Everything is a Process

I have been repeating that statement in my head ALL DAY. More than a million. Reminding myself. I really hate to come to my blog but this is the only place where I feel like I can get it out. Out of my head. Patch my bleeding heart in some way. (As the hubs asks me if I am downloading midget porn….thank you dear for the comedic relief….I needed a giggle)

I have to say thank you to so many….SO MANY of you who have given me your condolences. You truly have no idea how much of an impact that made on me. I had strength, I had courage, until today. The day of all days.

Why the FUCK (sorry…I’m emotional here) do people call it a celebration of life? Truly I know my grandpa had the most awesome life, but who was celebrating. Everyone I saw….crying. My poor aunts lost their composure today when watching the remembrance video. I held steady. My (if you can call him that) father was losing his composure. My brothers and sisters (all of them were there…which was cool….we haven’t all been together since we were kids). My poor Big G his big sweet heart began to mist. But I held steady, shedding tears, but not my true pain. The excruciating, empty, WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS WRONG WITH ME, sadness, pain, I mean I am a walking depression commercial. I wanted to actually Vlog this, because typing is painful when you have to continue to wipe tears on your shoulder while typing. GAWD.

Seriously, don’t pity me or feel sorry. I just need to be able to get this out. To get out that I am bouncing through these feelings. My mind is so blank I had to Google the five stages of grief. I mean seriously!? I had them memorized and now I had to Google. Yeesh!

  1. Denial – I am in constant denial. Denial that the man who had more bearing on my life as a child than any other, who truly loved unconditionally (in my eyes) is gone. Never to be seen, heard, hugged, that is just killing me.
  2. Anger – Why!!?? Why did MY grandpa have to die. I know everyone has a time. But why now? Why when I only saw him at Christmas that I did not get a chance to make it more, to do more. Why not someone else, somewhere else.
  3. Bargaining – Dear God, Dear someone, please bring him back. I didn’t see a body, he can come back, to love all those who love him. He can be well. I have to say this is THE first and only funeral I have been to where I have not seen someone in a casket. I know that sounds awfully morbid, but everyone who has died in my lifetime had a casket. I had closure because I could process in my mind a lifeless body to the beautiful soul. I know, sick, but its a mental thing clearly.
  4. Depression – My overwhelming feelings. I have moments where I am good. I keep going, I don’t stop. I don’t think I keep myself in a perpetual state of motion. I am matter, always moving, never stopping, not even a yield and I will be okay. But one look at his photo…I am a goner. I spiral into an emotional abyss that tears at my soul. An emptiness. Truly, as if I know that I have lost a bit of myself with this man. I think I am totally nuts. No one else is showing such feelings. No one else is a blubbering damn mess. I am crazy, I am losing it. Aren’t I? People don’t feel this way, get yourself together Karie. Pull it together. Someone will commit you. PULL. IT. TOGETHER.
  5. Acceptance – Mentally I have accepted his loss, my loss. But my heart has not accepted. So back again I go, through the previous four stages.

I try to pretend everything is normal, that I will be normal. But I want a whole day to cry, to not have to socialize with people acting like life is grand. It is, truly, but I wanted one day I could just bawl my eyes out till I needed ice packs for the swelling, to curse in anger, to yell blasphemy for my loss, to beg and plead with a God I do not believe in to bring my beloved back. My grandpa, the one person I have ever felt so close to. I guess that is why this whole ordeal is just a cluster for me. I have never had a loss of this proportion, of someone so close to me.  I feel like I have to hide this pain. To show I am strong, I will go on (which I know I will, but still, have you ever been hit so hard in the gut you lost your breath…..that is my feeling). Why do I feel like I have to jump to my acceptance? Has anyone else felt this? I know a friend of mine has, but I guess I need to call her (Yes Jen, I am talking about you! I wub joo….I will be emailing you or calling you where ever you are in your “retirement.”) so I can really see if I am normal. If my feelings are normal. Because I truly hate that I feel so out of control with my feelings about my grandpa. Anyone else feel this way when they suffered a loss? How did you grieve? I know its a process….but good gawd…..