I have been repeating that statement in my head ALL DAY. More than a million. Reminding myself. I really hate to come to my blog but this is the only place where I feel like I can get it out. Out of my head. Patch my bleeding heart in some way. (As the hubs asks me if I am downloading midget porn….thank you dear for the comedic relief….I needed a giggle)
I have to say thank you to so many….SO MANY of you who have given me your condolences. You truly have no idea how much of an impact that made on me. I had strength, I had courage, until today. The day of all days.
Why the FUCK (sorry…I’m emotional here) do people call it a celebration of life? Truly I know my grandpa had the most awesome life, but who was celebrating. Everyone I saw….crying. My poor aunts lost their composure today when watching the remembrance video. I held steady. My (if you can call him that) father was losing his composure. My brothers and sisters (all of them were there…which was cool….we haven’t all been together since we were kids). My poor Big G his big sweet heart began to mist. But I held steady, shedding tears, but not my true pain. The excruciating, empty, WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS WRONG WITH ME, sadness, pain, I mean I am a walking depression commercial. I wanted to actually Vlog this, because typing is painful when you have to continue to wipe tears on your shoulder while typing. GAWD.
Seriously, don’t pity me or feel sorry. I just need to be able to get this out. To get out that I am bouncing through these feelings. My mind is so blank I had to Google the five stages of grief. I mean seriously!? I had them memorized and now I had to Google. Yeesh!
- Denial – I am in constant denial. Denial that the man who had more bearing on my life as a child than any other, who truly loved unconditionally (in my eyes) is gone. Never to be seen, heard, hugged, that is just killing me.
- Anger – Why!!?? Why did MY grandpa have to die. I know everyone has a time. But why now? Why when I only saw him at Christmas that I did not get a chance to make it more, to do more. Why not someone else, somewhere else.
- Bargaining – Dear God, Dear someone, please bring him back. I didn’t see a body, he can come back, to love all those who love him. He can be well. I have to say this is THE first and only funeral I have been to where I have not seen someone in a casket. I know that sounds awfully morbid, but everyone who has died in my lifetime had a casket. I had closure because I could process in my mind a lifeless body to the beautiful soul. I know, sick, but its a mental thing clearly.
- Depression – My overwhelming feelings. I have moments where I am good. I keep going, I don’t stop. I don’t think I keep myself in a perpetual state of motion. I am matter, always moving, never stopping, not even a yield and I will be okay. But one look at his photo…I am a goner. I spiral into an emotional abyss that tears at my soul. An emptiness. Truly, as if I know that I have lost a bit of myself with this man. I think I am totally nuts. No one else is showing such feelings. No one else is a blubbering damn mess. I am crazy, I am losing it. Aren’t I? People don’t feel this way, get yourself together Karie. Pull it together. Someone will commit you. PULL. IT. TOGETHER.
- Acceptance – Mentally I have accepted his loss, my loss. But my heart has not accepted. So back again I go, through the previous four stages.
I try to pretend everything is normal, that I will be normal. But I want a whole day to cry, to not have to socialize with people acting like life is grand. It is, truly, but I wanted one day I could just bawl my eyes out till I needed ice packs for the swelling, to curse in anger, to yell blasphemy for my loss, to beg and plead with a God I do not believe in to bring my beloved back. My grandpa, the one person I have ever felt so close to. I guess that is why this whole ordeal is just a cluster for me. I have never had a loss of this proportion, of someone so close to me. I feel like I have to hide this pain. To show I am strong, I will go on (which I know I will, but still, have you ever been hit so hard in the gut you lost your breath…..that is my feeling). Why do I feel like I have to jump to my acceptance? Has anyone else felt this? I know a friend of mine has, but I guess I need to call her (Yes Jen, I am talking about you! I wub joo….I will be emailing you or calling you where ever you are in your “retirement.”) so I can really see if I am normal. If my feelings are normal. Because I truly hate that I feel so out of control with my feelings about my grandpa. Anyone else feel this way when they suffered a loss? How did you grieve? I know its a process….but good gawd…..