I have been repeating that statement in my head ALL DAY. More than a million. Reminding myself. I really hate to come to my blog but this is the only place where I feel like I can get it out. Out of my head. Patch my bleeding heart in some way. (As the hubs asks me if I am downloading midget porn….thank you dear for the comedic relief….I needed a giggle)
I have to say thank you to so many….SO MANY of you who have given me your condolences. You truly have no idea how much of an impact that made on me. I had strength, I had courage, until today. The day of all days.
Why the FUCK (sorry…I’m emotional here) do people call it a celebration of life? Truly I know my grandpa had the most awesome life, but who was celebrating. Everyone I saw….crying. My poor aunts lost their composure today when watching the remembrance video. I held steady. My (if you can call him that) father was losing his composure. My brothers and sisters (all of them were there…which was cool….we haven’t all been together since we were kids). My poor Big G his big sweet heart began to mist. But I held steady, shedding tears, but not my true pain. The excruciating, empty, WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS WRONG WITH ME, sadness, pain, I mean I am a walking depression commercial. I wanted to actually Vlog this, because typing is painful when you have to continue to wipe tears on your shoulder while typing. GAWD.
Seriously, don’t pity me or feel sorry. I just need to be able to get this out. To get out that I am bouncing through these feelings. My mind is so blank I had to Google the five stages of grief. I mean seriously!? I had them memorized and now I had to Google. Yeesh!
- Denial – I am in constant denial. Denial that the man who had more bearing on my life as a child than any other, who truly loved unconditionally (in my eyes) is gone. Never to be seen, heard, hugged, that is just killing me.
- Anger – Why!!?? Why did MY grandpa have to die. I know everyone has a time. But why now? Why when I only saw him at Christmas that I did not get a chance to make it more, to do more. Why not someone else, somewhere else.
- Bargaining – Dear God, Dear someone, please bring him back. I didn’t see a body, he can come back, to love all those who love him. He can be well. I have to say this is THE first and only funeral I have been to where I have not seen someone in a casket. I know that sounds awfully morbid, but everyone who has died in my lifetime had a casket. I had closure because I could process in my mind a lifeless body to the beautiful soul. I know, sick, but its a mental thing clearly.
- Depression – My overwhelming feelings. I have moments where I am good. I keep going, I don’t stop. I don’t think I keep myself in a perpetual state of motion. I am matter, always moving, never stopping, not even a yield and I will be okay. But one look at his photo…I am a goner. I spiral into an emotional abyss that tears at my soul. An emptiness. Truly, as if I know that I have lost a bit of myself with this man. I think I am totally nuts. No one else is showing such feelings. No one else is a blubbering damn mess. I am crazy, I am losing it. Aren’t I? People don’t feel this way, get yourself together Karie. Pull it together. Someone will commit you. PULL. IT. TOGETHER.
- Acceptance – Mentally I have accepted his loss, my loss. But my heart has not accepted. So back again I go, through the previous four stages.
I try to pretend everything is normal, that I will be normal. But I want a whole day to cry, to not have to socialize with people acting like life is grand. It is, truly, but I wanted one day I could just bawl my eyes out till I needed ice packs for the swelling, to curse in anger, to yell blasphemy for my loss, to beg and plead with a God I do not believe in to bring my beloved back. My grandpa, the one person I have ever felt so close to. I guess that is why this whole ordeal is just a cluster for me. I have never had a loss of this proportion, of someone so close to me. I feel like I have to hide this pain. To show I am strong, I will go on (which I know I will, but still, have you ever been hit so hard in the gut you lost your breath…..that is my feeling). Why do I feel like I have to jump to my acceptance? Has anyone else felt this? I know a friend of mine has, but I guess I need to call her (Yes Jen, I am talking about you! I wub joo….I will be emailing you or calling you where ever you are in your “retirement.”) so I can really see if I am normal. If my feelings are normal. Because I truly hate that I feel so out of control with my feelings about my grandpa. Anyone else feel this way when they suffered a loss? How did you grieve? I know its a process….but good gawd…..
11 Replies to “Everything is a Process”
I just posted something about this tonight too (not up yet). I just keep watching life go on and fuckin shit I don't want it to right now. I want to go back. Back to mean Brig, the horses, pomegranate trees, pastures and the smell of cooking in the house. I want Grandpa to come back and hold us Hudson's together. I want a damn hug from him. I'm with you – I kept thinking today why the hell are you talking about Grandpa like this, why are you showing his pictures, why are you crying – he's gonna be out here in a second with some witty and hilarious comment. He'll then make some great toast about life, hug us kids and life will be normal again. Dad sucked badly. But Grandpa restored our faith, love, hope in fatherhood. In manhood. In life. Sucky, sucky, suck shit. I'm pretty sure my heart will never accept Grandpa being gone. He was like God in our eyes. Knew all. Saw all. Loved all. Was all. No way. No damn way could we lose that. He's supposed to live forever.
More condolences to you. Grief takes time. Its not like Christmas shopping where you have a fixed deadline to get stuff done. You might feel fine and even be fine for weeks and months on end, but then smell something reminiscent of him and start sobbing and feel like you've been punched in the stomach.
So take your time on the grief and do what you can to honor his memory every day.
I've been sitting here for 20 minutes with your screen up trying to figure out what to say. I've experienced loss – but not the loss you are talking about – I can't even imagine how tough it is for you. Take the time you need, and deal with it in any way you can – we all understand and are thinking of you.
I haven't had this deep of a loss. But I was very upset when my grandmother died. And I was unable to express this as my mother doesn't do emotions nor does my husband. This was almost 10 years ago. I still can't think of her without tearing up and I suspect it is because I never really went through the grieving process.
Here is my two cents for the day:
This summer my husband and his sisters lost their mother. (their father died 2 years ago) his parents died young 53 and 55. This has been hard on my husband and my best friend (his sister)it has been just like you said "a process" Everyone deals with grief differently. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Don't think that because one person is "over it" you should be too. My husband has been dealing very differently than his sisters are dealing. He seems to be dealing better, but I think it's becuase he is a guy and doesn't show his emotions. Granted, I didn't loose my parents, but I lost my in-laws and my children's grandparents. They will never get to know each other and that sadens me. I am sad for my husband, sister-in-laws, my children, and my neice and nephew. Therefore, I am still grieving too. I tell you this, to help you feel support and strength to grieve HOWEVER and for HOW LONG you want and need. We are all different and see things in ways that no one but us can understand. There will ALWAYS be that missing part in your life and heart. I still miss my grandparents, they were monumetial in my life… I just help keep the memory alive by teaching my children the things they taught me. To me, that is celebrating life! I don't hope you "get over it" or "move on" I just hope you can move with it, I hope the pain subsides and the sting of the loss disapates. But more importantily I hope you continue life with those feelings and memories, restoring those wonderful moments and carry on his legacy. (my prayers are with you and your family)
My first major loss was also my Grandfather. I wasn't able to fully grieve for him at that point though because I was expected to make arrangements for his funeral and help my Grandmother through her loss. It wasn't until many months later that I had time to really process what had happened and how I felt about it. There's no right or wrong way to grieve. If you feel you need a day to really be alone and scream and yell and weep and do whatever else you need to do then I hope you'll be allowed to take that time. The pain won't be over in a day of course but maybe really venting it out will help. I'm one who always tries to hold it together – to be the strong one – and sometimes you just can't be. Sometimes you need to do what you need to do for yourself.
I wish I had a magic answer but I dont. I wish I had magic words to say but I dont. But I can send prayers your way and virtual hugs.
I have felt the same exact feelings you are feeling when I lost my mom three years ago (next month). You have put into words every single thing I felt. I actually found the right words for stumbling through each day – I was on "autopilot". I muddled through, kept busy, but when it hit – it hit HARD. The stages of grief take some time and everyone handles it in their own way. I still miss my mom so much, and I cannot believe that I haven't seen or spoken to her in three years…it just doesn't seem possible.
Take that day that you need – to cry, yell or whatever else you feel like doing – it is okay.
My mom once told me (after a dear aunt passed away) that life is chapters in a book. There are certain parts of life that end, even though you don't want them too. I remembered those words when she passed away. It was the most special chapter ever – my mom.
Please vent, cry, write all you want to. There are so many who love and care about you, and know the pain you are feeling. (hugs)…
Grieving is not a linear process. You'll make progress towards acceptance and then find yourself smack dab in the middle of anger or denial or bargaining again. Two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes it's one step forward, two steps back. I think it's healthier for you and your family if you grieve openly, but I understand your impulse to stay strong and not fall apart in front of them. Still, it's okay to freak out, break down, bawl your eyes out.
So sorry for your loss.
This is your SITS Saturday Sharefest visit.
fuckin a man
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