Adulting is a real pain in my neck. Really, a pain in my ass, but neck works too because you use your neck for so much more. I digress. Growing up and evolving into an adult, learning the hard knocks of life, understanding who I am as a human, person, and being in this world and then learning the ways of the world has been a struggle. If memory serves I was very anxious to grow up when I was a child, as if growing up was my spiteful way of getting back at my parents. Boy, did I get that idea all wrong. What I wish I knew then is that growing up is hard to do; if I could tell my younger self anything, the one tidbit that is gold is that becoming an adult was a real son of a gun. Continue reading “Growing Up is Hard to Do”
Funny how life can throw curve balls, grinders, heaters and the occasional wild pitch that make us double over in horrific shock. What I find amazing is how MLB players never consider the whole ball game in one pitch or one season, but a series of seasons. If you are a die hard Cubs fan you know this reality, still chasing the pennant, still cheering from the stands, joyous spirits flying high in the bleachers whether at Spring training or regular season at Wrigley. Somehow our fanaticism and forgiveness for our baseball teams never seem to carry over to our personal lives or those with whom we interact. Suddenly the story of their life is the whole ball game as opposed to a series of seasons. Continue reading “The Whole Ball Game?”
Brandishing the official Boy Scouts uniform on a stage in front of 400 students he was eloquent. The boy had his very adult speech typed and held in front of him. He paused just as we had practiced. My heart was full of joy for him in his strength and bravery. I surely did not have his courage and tenacity to run for student council when I was his age. Tears were welling in my eyes as I was that proud mom. So after the dust settled and the ballots were cast, counted, announced, my baby boy came home strong as an ox in his feelings. When I asked, he broke down in a heap and mess of tears. In that moment I was thankful he lost for student council. Continue reading “The day I was thankful my son lost”
After posting my New Year’s montage the comments from you, my readers, triggered a whirlwind of thoughts. One comment specifically from my friend over @ A Nut In a Nutshell mentioned how I appeared to be a bit of a party girl.
I used to party every night I could from the time I had my own car in high school until….well I grew up. Until sometime in my 20s I found that partying and going to the bars and dealing with all that minutiae was just that. CRAP. A load of bullshit and really, what was the point? What point was there to hitting the bar and drinking until buzzed or partially intoxicated? Fun?! What was so fun about making an ass of oneself? What was so fun about chugging water and taking B12 the following day, possibly even a Bloody Mary for a taste of the hair of the dog that bit you.
But I got over it. I got over the need to sow any wild oats, I got tired of the wasteful spending on alcohol, the running amok and doing what I wanted got old. Real. Fast. Why? Because from 18-25 I got to be me. I had the opportunity to evaluate crucial moments in my life, I lived, I effed up, A LOT, I learned, I was me, for me, and only me. What people don’t realize is how much really truly happens in the pivotal age range of 18-25:
- Graduate High school and move out
- Go to College, live on your own, maybe with roommates
- Work first REAL job, maybe while attending college
- Meet life long friends, or continue friendships forged previous to high school
- Graduate college
- Obtain first REAL job with college credentials
- Gain life experience
- Possibly buy first car, open first credit card, maybe buy a house
- Do the walk of shame (maybe more than once)
- Get arrested
- Avoid getting arrested
- Get married
- Figure out what you are going to do with your life (generally at age 20 this comes to mind)
- Figure out what you are going to be when you grow up
- Meet a future spouse, or get engaged
As you can see a general and brief smorgasbord of events happen from the time you age from 18-25. However, some people never experience these events and the reason why is their life choices which makes their growing up experience much more different. Because their experiences will vary so greatly, their experiences during the pivotal age range will shape their adulthood beyond age 25. Even one (possibly two) bad decisions will transform your life.
The Chad was a wise young man when he shared these facts with me. He was maybe, at best, cresting 25 himself when he shared the fact of growing up to me when I was barely cresting 20. By the time I was 20 I had done almost everything stated above….except get married, figure out what I want to be when I grow up, have kids, I mean I was still a kid myself.
During the time of 18-25 you figure yourself out as a person. A singular person. No longer are you a child in your parents home. No longer are you a student in an “elementary” school, requiring your attendance. You are an adult. A singular being deciphering the game of life, day by day, moment by moment. Curfew is something for kids who “live at home” or at best “Minors” for the sake of calling a legal adult an adult. More time is spent with your friends in a non-parental defying manner. Responsibility is learned, respect, self-respect, boundaries, self-awareness, quite literally you become a person you never thought you knew you could be, were or are. All the while the only responsibility you had…was to yourself. No one else, not to your parents, just yourself, and self-discipline was actualized.
But some do not evolve in this same manner. They missed the polar age range of evolution into albeit adulthood. Because once you crown your late 20s and truly are a “20 something” finally certain life aspects begin to click, the biological clock begins to tick for some, the desire to settle down, the want to be more in life, want more out of life, the realization of some form of deprivation exists in your life. Some desired affirmations:
I want to get married
I want to have children
I want to buy a house, a Lexus, furniture
I want to remodel
I want to be and do more
You begin to sound and act like your parents in a sense. The way they might have acted before having children. The standard progression into “adulthood” if I may. I look back at my pictures that The Chad and I took and we did A LOT. We traveled, we partied (a LOT because we had the means), we bought lots of luxury cars before I was even old enough to receive the late 20s auto insurance discount, I bought a house, got credit cards that were maxed and paid off a lot, and shortly before I turned 25 I realized I wanted more.
So in my time frame I did a lot, I learned A LOT, I cried a lot, cursed growing up, was frustrated, pissed, confused, lost and found, but most of all I had fun. I had fun figuring out what the hell I was doing, where I was going, who I wanted to be, what I wanted out of life. I realized what I was and was not ready for, what I could and could not handle, the events that needed time and the events that needed to be put on hold. More so, I saw those who missed out. People who missed the 18-25 bus and did not get the chance to fail and succeed, live and learn, be an individual without anyone or anything tying them down, they missed out on being an “adult” and figuring out how to grow up. I found that I truly grew up, that my late teens and my earliest 20s were for fun. My mid-20s I started to have everything click, my late 20s I truly settled down. I had a son by this time, we bought another house, celebrated some wedding anniversaries, fell down and picked ourselves back up again. I am lucky I had my late teens and early 20s to figure life out by myself, no tie downs, no responsibility except to myself, no boundaries except my own, just me, by myself.
Now moving well into my 30s I can look back and laugh. I can enjoy my life of what I did, some of the mistakes I made and definitely learned from, the choice to marry when I did, have kids when I did, to look at the life I was leading and the life I wanted to lead. I grew up. I am still growing up. But now I can admit I know a lot of nothing, where before I thought I knew everything. I can also look back and know I have NO REGRETS. If I regretted any decisions I made, didn’t make, should have made, I would not be where I am today. What were your choices? Where are you in your life? Are you still figuring life out?
Here is a beautifully written post by my friend Jenine. You know her as Badger Momma, absolutely breath taking the way 18-25 can shape your life in one way or another.
We as parents go on and on and on about how we want out children to tell us the truth. We scold with no mercy at a fibbing child “Tell me the truth…DON’T LIE TO ME” when we have clearly caught them in a devious act and then they deny their blatant actions. As a parent teaching our children the honor, integrity, and moral fiber of being a truthful individual is a worthy trait, and with time the truth can be told without hurt or pain, as a constructive tool.
But we teach these morals, these sound ethics as a high functioning human being and we ourselves cannot bear to share, tell, or speak the truth. We tell white lies, half truths, bold faced lies, half arsed lies, we omit pertinent information, I mean there is a whole web page that lists every type of lie possible! So why do we as parents instill such noble qualities only to fail ourselves? To fail our children by telling lies, by failing to share the truth, by lying to ourselves?
I for one am a HUGE advocate for the truth. Clearly displayed by my incident with my in laws in the last month. But I am not remorseful, maybe for my presentation…..but not for my honesty. Not for my feelings. NOT for the truth. I hate lying to my kids about even the simplest myths such as Santa, The Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny, because I know that in time the truth will be revealed. I question the reason for these mythical beings, what is the purpose? Big G so badly wants to be a super hero, I had to burst his bubble and explain they don’t exist. A man in a blue suit with a cape….Mr. Perfect, does not exist. DH was borderline furious with me, but I felt necessary because I did not want my son to be deluded to thinking perfection is attainable, that perfection exists, that someone walks this Earth that can do no wrong. Again, some may disagree, but if NO ONE told Big G that super heroes don’t exist….how long would he believe in such people left only for the writing in a comic book, a fantasy.
Again I question why parents hide the truth? Why they lie? I have spoken to Big G about the financial situation with DH and I. *GASP!! I know right. Well children do need to be aware that money is an object and money is required for somethings and at times not enough money is made or readily available for luxuries. I have spoken to Big G about other issues that parents may feel is breaching a line. Which I feel that line is not breached. I think we have been conditioned by many generations of family secrets, lies, and half truths or cover-ups that we learn the same behavior. We learn the fine art of not telling the whole story or claiming that the information is not suitable for children.
Well, I think this is hogwash. I wish I had been told as a child that my dad drank and was an alcoholic rather than “Daddy had a bad day” as he is puking full ball into a toilet. I wish I was told the truth of my mothers actions at a point in my life so that I did not grow up with such an enormous amount of resentment towards her, I wish my in-laws would not cover up a very tragic incident with my husband’s niece that makes me feel uncomfortable around her and not want me children around her for their safety.
I sit down with Big G and with the twins (who look at me like I am nuts, but one day they will get it, so might as well start now) and tell them what they need to know about this family. About where their parents came from, about the adversity we face, the troubles that lie ahead, that if you lie you will only create bigger problems and what is a mole hill of an issue will soon spiral into a mountain that cannot be covered up or cleaned up.
Yes, the truth hurts. But the lies to cover up the dirty truth are even more harsh. People are led to believe in a falsehood, in something that does not exist, that will not exist, and the pain in the let down and the revelation of the truth that was disguised by ugly lies is even more painful. I would hate to be lied to for years, months, even moments, about something when although the truth is painful, the truth be known. I would rather have someone tell me that I AM (well rather was) the fat chick! That my pregnancy and eating while breastfeeding led me to balloon up to the porker I was, and now after conditioning and exercising I am feeling more comfortable in my skin. Yes, my feelings would be hurt, but I was more hurt by the ones I loved that they did not tell me how bad I was.
I just do not understand why the truth is such a difficult topic, why the truth is so hard to be spoken and shared. Why as parents we beat the nobility of truth into our children, but we fail to be completely truthful with our children.
Big G is the biggest offender of this. He is allowed one sugary type drink or snack a day, if that. And the option is one or the other…NOT BOTH. We limit his sugar because his little body simply cannot metabolize sugar into a normal energy way. I mean most kids get on a sugar high that is completely normal, but my child…WATCH OUT! The boy acts like he received a hearty dose of epinephrine straight to his system. He is like watching a car with nitrous oxide injection, fast, fast, burn, and then the choke out. By choke out, the kid is a disaster, he is completely incorrigible. To some, thats fine they may have the patience to deal with that type of disaster and crisis management. Me? NO THANKS. My boy is even keel, but when sugar kicks in, he is out of hand!
So he has been on his smoothie kick lately. No problem with the smoothies, you get one a day. Just like the Danactive. Even though they are a dairy type drink, the sugar content is enough to push the kid into the Asshole Zone of incorrigible.
While I was in the garage, cleaning and arranging our numerous piles of stuff that needs to be sold, donated, weeded through, trashed, you name it I found empty packages. Empty packages of what you ask? Well the Danactive probiotic yogurt drinks that I told him he can only have one a day.
I pick up the evidence and take said evidence in the house. Knowing full and well, he was the one. DH tosses stuff on the floor of the garage, but not like that, mostly sawdust, and whatever other project he is working on and he does so in a dubious manner. These empty little packages were strategically placed in a very inconspicuous spot. So as not to detect they were there. Little did he know that I am not a complete genius, but I am far from oblivious and stupid.
I confront the boy.
Me: G, what is this?
G: Um……um…….um…….I dunno.
Me: (Clearly pissed at his blatant act of stupidity and failing to fess up) If you lie to me now you will be in more trouble. I ask you again…..What are these?
G: Yogurt drinks.
Me: And why are they empty in the garage….and in hiding places in the garage?
Me: Don’t start that again, what are they doing in there and hiding? Why did you hide them? Why are you sneaking them?
G: I dunno….(clearly starting to cry and feel sorry for himself for being caught)
Me: You lose the Wii and you no longer get drinks like this again for a week too. You will only drink your organic milk or water. THAT’S IT!!!
From now on, Big G has learned that all you have to do is ask, or just fess up. A simple question. He may not always like the answer, but he will learn as he grows into an adult, we don’t always like what we hear or the answer we are given, but at least we got an answer.
With every life there is death. The story and life of the Phoenix is my favorite. Not only for the immortality but for the story that the Phoenix seems to die a painful death in it’s very own flames, and rises anew from it’s ashes. Today, I feel like the Phoenix.
I created a very painful death for a part of my life, for personal relationships that exist in my life, some with bearing, others with no bearing, so no real loss, however a death of me nonetheless. As I said before a painful death, one I did not want to experience, but one I did bring upon myself.
The silver lining to all of this is I am risen anew.
I have seen the err of my ways, I have learned a powerful and valuable lesson and lessons. I have gained irreplaceable friendships in this forum that I cherish to every end and they are guiding me, sharing with me, feeling with me. They too share the experiences I do on so many levels. Which is the best part about blogging, is not being alone, knowing that being at home with your kids all day that other mothers share the exact same triumphs, failures, losses, and excitement.
So here I am before you with my fledgling wings, ready to fly again. Having risen from my own fiery death, molten in my own ashes, to rise and have a life of rebirth in my blog, in my writing, and in my life. My lessons learned:
- Know your audience. I from now on will no longer post anything beyond my immediate family or the family that blogs together (sister, sister, etc).
- Know your friends and know your enemies, sometimes the friend is a foe.
- Never regret (which I never did, but started to, if you regret, you regret the lesson learned or fail to learn it altogether)
- Never apologize for your feelings, only apologize for hurtful actions, not the hurtful truth.
With that I am creating a new blog, completely private which I love. I will invite readers of my choosing or those who want to read it, or maybe, an idea I was kicking around in the shower, a blog by invitation only where we can share all the crap we are afraid to share anywhere else in a private, trusting, secure forum, we write what we want with no fear of reprisal or retaliation. If you are interested in becoming an author or reader please feel free to email me.
The title is rightfully titled “Letters We Never Intend to Send” where we post everything we want to say so we get the negative feelings out, no one gets hurt, and we ease the personal pain, frustration, anger, etc that we feel in a safe and secure forum.
I am back, I am ready to blog. I am finding peace in my actions, I have learned a lesson, I was the firebird who died among her life and is reborn of the ashes she left behind. Now I am leaving you with the quote that I enjoy so much from the Feng Shui Handbook, a quote that I believe fit me and the way I see myself in my own life and surroundings:
“A mythical bird that never dies, the phoenix flies far ahead to the front, always scanning the landscape and distant space. It represents our capacity for vision, for collecting sensory information about our environments and the events unfolding within it. The phoenix, with its great beauty, creates intense excitement and deathless inspiration.” (feng shui Master Lam Kam Chuen)
Then the offer generally is and not legit. I have learned this lesson the hard way in my life. The good life comes with LOTS and LOTS of hard work, elbow grease, suffering sometimes, pain, but most of all blood, sweat, and tears of hard work. I know, as most other working folks do, the good life and good things in life come with that price.
However, in this economy people are willing to do anything, no matter how simple or how complex to make a living. Unfortunately too, there are some real shit bags that will take you for all you are worth. They strip you of your bank account first, and then the rest of your life is stripped because you cannot afford to maintain your life, and finally, you are stripped of your pride.
Folks, take heed in these hard economic times. Don’t be a victim to scammers, easy jobs that may require a little bit of hard work but not a lot in the grand scheme are scams. Anything and I mean ANYTHING that wants you to pay money up front is a bunch of HOGWASH!! I have worked in the car business, mortgages, sales, finance, and I have never asked anyone for money on something that they didn’t get the product and work hard to get it, first! Never give out your credit card number, bank account, nothing!! If you want to know where I am going with this, please go check out my sister Brittany’s blog where she talks about how our brother got scammed and he isn’t the only one, especially in this rough economy where jobs are scarce. Below is also the names of the websites of the scamming companies to watch for.