Maneuvering Life and Motherhood with Twins Plus One
Gripping at the final credits as the film winds through the reels, waiting patiently in the dark for the next teaser. Some trailer or scene, spoilers for a sequel. All that is the left is the on location references and music acknowledgments, bore fest. My life was turning into that same scene of musical contributions and location listings, only the equivalency was a historical ledger, best known as a resume, of career moves and an epic failure. Continue reading “Not Yet Rated”
I loved my job at the bank. I love my beliefs, my God. The two, however, did not love one another, a constant battle that resulted in my being fired. My family began to suffer due to extenuating and unnecessary demands for my time at work. I was engulfed in my ambitions to climb this imaginary ladder to a pinnacle with no peak. Best efforts to rise above, think outside the box to improve processes and mitigate negative customer impact resulted in negative blow back. I had to pay taxes for being a woman in the corporate game where I refused to fall on my knees in an act of fellatio to the men that controlled the future of my career. A hidden blessing came from my termination, a lesson about having faith.
What I lacked was faith.
On this day one year ago I was subject to a bank sanction for my transgress questioning regarding neglect of escalated customer files. Toe-to-toe with senior leaders, respectably inquiring of laxity on such high profile reviews. My bold actions came with an expense as my career teetered with my every breath. The sanction was harsh based on my principal to forgo a meeting with my superior and his superior. As a woman I felt bullied, ganged up on and terrified to be in a closed door meeting with my boss. He was repugnant with violent outbursts, mistrust, berating actions, I feared him. So with that, the sentence was issued for 12 months where I was hamstrung to initiate any emails to anyone above my pay grade and in the event any of my actions were seen contrary to senior leadership direction I would be subject to termination.
Devastated. I held strong as I choked down the pain and a bit of my pride. Upon returning to my desk one of my employees saw me distraught and offered comfort. She stood strong in her faith and offered to pray with me, right then, in the office. Her prayer offered comfort and strength in a time where I was floundering without. Keeping my composure was out of the question. I gasped for air through tears, heartbreak and the overwhelming amount of love and kindness from my subordinate.
What I learned in that moment, in that prayer, in my retching state, was how out of control the events were and how little I could control; how I needed to have faith.
The months following resulted in frustration, anger, my patience began to wear thin at home due to my restrictions in the workplace. Struggling to deal with these frustrations, they were improperly misdirected to my family. I began to dive deeper into scripture. I sought comfort and relief in prayer to pacify my unrest and provide answers. Everyday I prayed for a new job. Praying to be away from the tyrant who I had to answer to on a daily basis. I prayed for him to gain wisdom because his doltish ways made me want to slap my palm to my face, repeatedly.
My prayers were being heard, as each day I found more strength to tolerate my job. Job interviews were rolling in and my outlook was positive and the bleakness began to subside. However, offers for said jobs were less than forthcoming. By this time I was a month into my corrective action and I attended a conference on prayer. Bold, direct prayers were what we needed and while those prayers are not always answered right away or the way we want them to be answered, an answer will one day come nonetheless. So I stayed the course and kept on with my prayers. I was a step closer to understanding and gaining faith.
Staying the course led me into the mouth of the serpent on June 19th, 2014 as my employment was terminated from Wells based on violation of their ethics policy. The policy that I so strongly upheld based on the vision of the organization. Great irony and peace was found in my termination, and on that day my faith was made stronger. I prayed to escape the confines of the misogynist who I believed controlled my future and career. Granted my release was through termination, I was able to identify my blessing; my faith was cemented in the fact that this one event would transform my entire being and life.
How deluded I was to think such horrific thoughts that this puny, mortal man would carry such a weight. My God carried more weight and power than he did. On that day I felt an amazing peace and strength as I shook my former boss’ hand and I wished him well. Even though I was the one who was terminated, I had the strength, class and happiness to accept my fate. That was faith I had felt in the Lord as He guided me through that moment.
From that day I have had nothing but faith.
I prayed each day to guide me through, to show me where I needed to be in life and with my family. Prayer for assistance through my unemployment, to provide financially. I asked to be shown what He was willing for me in my life. Pleasantly surprised by the answer of I had extra time on my hands, so I began writing again. A love I have forgotten to resort to when my brain was overflowing with words and thoughts. Think Dumbledore and his Pensieve. My writing has helped open doors for me that I had previously left dormant, my expression let me explore gifts I never exploited previously. The world was a keystroke away.
Prayers showed me how deep my faith truly was when I asked to provide for my family, my children, especially when Christmas was around the corner. So I made the struggling decision to tithe, at the ten percent, when I had so little. My meager earnings I was bringing into our home was what little I could do to honor my Father, but it was enough in His eyes. Gigs began to roll in, finances began to improve little by little, Christmas was in more than an abundance. He saw me through, God deepened my faith by showing me his great will for me, my family, my life.
Time was utilized more wisely as I began volunteering more at my church. Applying my knowledge in various capacities benefited others and I was beyond joy to help so selflessly. My nature is benevolent with every fiber, so I was eager to share my dexterity in a multitude of areas within the organization that so deeply touched my life. This is what he was calling me to do.
Fleeting moments would wave over me of panic, grief, fear. I would be celebratory with joy, overcome by anger, frustration, and then emotional exhaustion. While I would have momentary lapses and succumb to the weakness, faith is what carried me through. Praying in the heat of that moment got me through. God, carried me through. I was meant to feel the pain, to work through my feelings, I needed to learn what He was telling me. The uncertainty was all part of the learning process. Learning to have unwavering faith in the face of our darkest moments. Moments that we would dwell upon, share with others; misery loves company, but I just couldn’t share with anyone else but Him.
When I would apply for positions I was more than amply qualified for, hear nothing in response to those applications, I learned to have faith. When I questioned why I didn’t get those jobs, my daughter would come to me and beg that I not go back to work as her eyes welled with tears, I had faith. When finances began to strain, I dug in with my tithing and never faltered, I had faith and then He provided. Hebrews 11:1 speaks of faith, “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” I hoped for happiness, success, freedom. All of those were provided for me because I prayed enough, believed in my bold prayers enough, had enough faith that this wouldn’t be easy, but my outcome would be the most beneficial.
I could not see that my happiness, success, and freedom was within me, God given. I just had to see what made me happy was being myself and not letting others try to change who I was, who I am. I just had to see that my success was in the eyes of the beholder; three priceless sets of blue eyes who saw that I could create in my kitchen what Van Gogh did on canvas. More so was the partial stranger who read this blog and sang praises of the raw beauty in life and the emotions I painted from writing about those moments. I found an immense faith in being fired when I learned to see. I just had to see that my freedom was in letting go, relinquishing control of a life so out of control, having faith of His greater plan for me.
I hate cliches. Nothing pisses me off more than a sappy, true to the heart cliche. Well, unless I am that cliche. A walking, living, breathing, truism in life. You see, for the last twelve months much of my life has been happening for a reason. Even more so, my faith in humanity and the just good of people makes my heart swell with joy.
You see just three short weeks ago corporate America tried to break my spirit. I worked for a misogynist. He feared my greater success over his, due to the fact that he had capped out his career based on his competency level. Plain English, he was a dumb ass. Bless his heart. With that being said, what actions do intellectually inept female hating bosses take? They seek to eliminate a threat. So he did, and I was fired for not lying in an email. But that’s another story. A rather good one to share as well. I digress, back to the story of why things happen for a reason.
The moment I was delivered the news of my termination I had a sense of calm, a relief rather and I knew that everything was going to be alright. Despite the fact that all the cells in my body were screaming, “Fuck!!! This is a mess…”
For weeks the cosmos were sending me signs, much like this one. Actually, my husband sent me this sign, but it is one that is forever changing our lives.
As I mentioned, over the last year things have been happening for a reason to lead up to where we are today. So during this time I have been talking endlessly about my dreams. You know? The dreams kids have. The dreams of what they want to be when they grow up. I have been dreaming big. I love to cook. I love to write. I love to serve people. I love to help. I wanted a restaurant, bistro, cafe. All mine with my own menu, flair, panache and to take in ego boosting, voyeurism of watching people eat and enjoy my food. But I kept thinking not yet; now is not the time. In the meantime, what’s a girl to do with all of these passions? Apparently you are suppose to get fired from a decent paying corporate job and go opening a freaking juice bar is what you are suppose to do! God had plans for me and I was not going about his plans the way I was intended so he was making destiny happen.
I was at a crossroads when I was leaving my former employer. Shaking, trembling, crying, grieving, cursing. What a horrible process to experience for anyone, is the grief of being fired by a dolt. Then the process of attempting to find other employment all while your dream is staring you in the face. So here I am. Writing this post to share with each of you that dreams do come true. Dreams are attainable. Never sell yourself short! Go for the goal. Reach for the stars. Get out of your comfort zone. My faith has tested me more in the last three weeks about my level of comfort than in the years I have been alive.
Please do not get me wrong. I am scared shitless! I am hopeful with my love of God and his sweet son Jesus that this project is going to pull through. A part of me is saying, “just suck it up Kar and go get an eight to five job and grind it out and maybe we can build the dream on the side.” But the divine infused part of me is telling me to grab the bull by the horns, slap it’s ass and serve him up for dinner! YE HAW!
With all this being said, please take a moment to check out what we are doing on Kickstarter. It’s a quick blip. We are doing what we love. I love God. I love people. I love to serve. I love to cook. I love my family and by golly I am going to do STUFF! So help us do some stuff. We are already seeing support. I watched Facebook explode when I posted this. Sadly I felt a bit of shame at first.
I was battling with myself to hit the big green SUBMIT button that was looking at me in the face. My divinely infused brain was yelling at my right hand to click the mouse while my scared shitless self was being a punk. In between my ears all I heard was shame. Beggar. Mooch. Scrounger. Bullshit. God took hold because I hit submit and within minutes a childhood friend from kindergarten kick-started my movement. My eyes welled and burned from the tears. The muscles in my jaw were contracting as my cheeks tightened to fight back all the emotion of love, joy, and HOLY SHIT this is happening feeling that was rushing over me in waves. Notifications were going off in my feed. I saw my photo in my Facebook stream as my friends liked and shared my story. My thanksgiving cannot be fully placed into words how He is working. How my friends are helping me to go make a difference, to make my mark.
Come share in our joy and successes. Help us to make a difference in this world, even if it is the smallest difference, that one small difference could be someone’s entire world that they are paying forward. Won’t you pay it forward. Share our Kickstarter. Just passing on the word is payment enough. Thank you friends for all your support as we go on our new adventure with food!
My philanthropic heart is pulled in many directions for my many loves; cancer, family, alcoholism treatment and counseling, animals, children, and of course women. I am about supporting domestically and abroad especially when the support and interaction with an organization will have a global effect. Bright Future International does just this, impact on a global scale to instill vital human qualities. A not for profit that promotes humanity and supports children? Sign me up.
The vital human qualities: compassion, a feeling of self worth, humility, a desire to help others and social skills. These are the qualities that are not taught in conventional schools and are deficient in many societies. BFI finances a number of projects geared towards children’s after school education, bringing a solution for developing high moral and spiritual qualities in children. This is accomplished through selection of teachers and coordinators that possess such qualities themselves. (BFI, 2012)
The initiatives are tremendous and the Kenya enterprise resonated with me because of the young women they are empowering and helping to rebuild their lives. All I could think of with this initiative is the John Mayer song “Daughters,” where he mentions that daughters become mothers, so the tools they have in life will be passed on to their children. I am all about the support of stopping the cycle of abuse and empowering women and showing them the strongest gift of true, unconditional love, and self-esteem to share with their daughters and children. These virtues cannot be given in their current situation and Bright Future International gives them a support network and removes the cycle from their life.
I found all of this wonderful information just from Bright Future International’s Facebook page! You can read more and find more on their website, but visit Facebook to read about their three largest programs they are currently involved in and how just by clicking “Like” on their Facebook page BFI will donate $1 for each new like. That is the easiest donation to a not for profit EVER! What are some non-profits you support and why? Which are near and dear to your heart?
“I participated in a campaign on behalf of Mom Central and Bright Future International. A small donation to Bright Future International was made in my name from Mom Central as a thank-you for participating.â€
Crazy as the notion may sound, you can add motherhood to your resume. Two words that may not consider to go together, motherhood, resume; yet mothers have some wonderful skills to be marketed. No, I am not going to pitch you and say how you can really add the title. However, I think mothers often taken for granted their abilities to truly manage some truly exceptional professional positions for free while being a stay at home parent. Continue reading “Add Motherhood to Your Resume”
For the last four years to be exact I have been blessed with the opportunity to be with my child and then with my children at home. Watching them grow, watching my belly grow, and then watching as I delivered two more people into our home who have brought that much more joy.
I watched as Grant was transformed from a troublesome, often busy, and quite the handful toddler into a mellow, funny, loving, infectious to be around little boy. At first I dreaded the thought of staying home with him. I would be the entertainment, the playmate, the food handler, everything I had PAID someone else to do for me while I worked. While I enjoyed my time as a singular individual working in a professional office with professional attire, having professional conversations.
Dear God, I would now be the (dun dun dun) “stay at home mom.”
*Gasp! I cannot do this, I would not do this. Granted, sleeping in would be freaking fabulous. But what do I know about potty training my oldest and only child at the time, keeping him on a schedule, snacks, ABC’s, 123’s, what the shit was I thinking when I said, “Oh sure I can stay at home and work at home at my leisure.” I must have been on crack.
But I managed. I kicked the ass of my prima donna self, learned that wearing jeans everyday
and a t-shirt (well, a hot fitted, not your average stay at home mom t-shirt) would be fine. I also managed to teach my boy Spanish along with his colors, alphabet, numbers and the “F” bomb that he would drop once while taunting some sixth graders. Yeah, that in and of itself is a blog post. However, I managed to be a stay at home mom juggling my son and maintaining a near perfect home.
Until we agreed to have another child.
What the hell am I thinking with these grandioso ideas? Oh right, we planned on trying to conceive ONE child, not a TWO in ONE deal. Silly Karie, twins are for…other parents. Again I was blessed. I continued to nurture and grow my bond with Grant and I nurtured and grew my surprise of a pregnancy. The dynamic in my home was changing again and now with The Chad working out of the house EVERYTHING was really changing.
The birth of the twins brought new challenges, drawbacks, pitfalls, enjoyment, and moments of hiding in the closet to cry. I never wished for anything in my life to be different. Knowing I was the only one in my family with the courage, sanity, and strength to tackle motherhood in such a unique fashion. I fully embraced the embodiment of what motherhood is as a job, as a joy, as a frustration.
Especially now as I am standing on the edge of a dawn of a new chapter in life. So much has happened in such a short time with bidding a sorrowful goodbye to child rearing today The Chad goes in for his vasectomy. A bittersweet moment brushed over me as I knew I would never smell a new baby born from my womb. My moments of motherhood frozen in time with photos and my impeccably solid memory (like an elephant really) will forever cherish those once in a lifetime moments.
Yesterday I received a call that changed everything. While I had not been looking for a job, since I have the unique opportunity of working from home, as I wish, generating income whenever I want, I had submitted by resume for shits and grins. Not hearing anything for months except for the typical “Come sell insurance” scams, I all but abandoned any idea of working out of the house and was pleased with feeling rejected. For once in my life!
Until I received the call offering me an unbelievable position with an even more unbelievable company that offers health insurance for our family that currently LACKS healthcare coverage. I would have a 401k again, lunches undisturbed, adult conversation, professional conversation, time out of the house and moreso than just a trip to Whole Foods and Costco.
But then I sobbed. I sobbed alone in my kitchen, in my bathroom, on my couch. I am still sobbing. Bawling like a baby, weeping the death of a life I felt so tragic to live. Who the hell wants to be a stay at home mom anyway. I did, I do. I held my composure long enough yesterday to visit a pre-school and childcare center the twins will attend and Grant will attend in the summer for summer camp. The twins were glass eyed and eager to see other gnomes, playmates, a new environment for their budding social personalities. I saw a germ infested, non-organic, styro-foam cup using facility that made my OCD cringe.
However, I know, and knew, in my heart that the twins will be fine. The facility is less than two blocks from our home, the staff is kind and loving, and the job I am offered and have agreed to take will yield money for our family that we need to provide the best for our kids. Even if only for a few years, which by that time the twins will be school age and yet another milestone in their life.
So with a heavy heart I take my fabulous new opportunity and bid farewell to the opportunity I so dreaded just four short years ago. I know this is best for my family, for our finances, and for my sanity, but ever so heavy on my heart. Goodbye to being a stay at home mom.
