For the last four years to be exact I have been blessed with the opportunity to be with my child and then with my children at home. Watching them grow, watching my belly grow, and then watching as I delivered two more people into our home who have brought that much more joy.
I watched as Grant was transformed from a troublesome, often busy, and quite the handful toddler into a mellow, funny, loving, infectious to be around little boy. At first I dreaded the thought of staying home with him. I would be the entertainment, the playmate, the food handler, everything I had PAID someone else to do for me while I worked. While I enjoyed my time as a singular individual working in a professional office with professional attire, having professional conversations.
Dear God, I would now be the (dun dun dun) “stay at home mom.”
*Gasp! I cannot do this, I would not do this. Granted, sleeping in would be freaking fabulous. But what do I know about potty training my oldest and only child at the time, keeping him on a schedule, snacks, ABC’s, 123’s, what the shit was I thinking when I said, “Oh sure I can stay at home and work at home at my leisure.” I must have been on crack.
But I managed. I kicked the ass of my prima donna self, learned that wearing jeans everyday and a t-shirt (well, a hot fitted, not your average stay at home mom t-shirt) would be fine. I also managed to teach my boy Spanish along with his colors, alphabet, numbers and the “F” bomb that he would drop once while taunting some sixth graders. Yeah, that in and of itself is a blog post. However, I managed to be a stay at home mom juggling my son and maintaining a near perfect home.
Until we agreed to have another child.
What the hell am I thinking with these grandioso ideas? Oh right, we planned on trying to conceive ONE child, not a TWO in ONE deal. Silly Karie, twins are for…other parents. Again I was blessed. I continued to nurture and grow my bond with Grant and I nurtured and grew my surprise of a pregnancy.Â The dynamic in my home was changing again and now with The Chad working out of the house EVERYTHING was really changing.
The birth of the twins brought new challenges, drawbacks, pitfalls, enjoyment, and moments of hiding in the closet to cry. I never wished for anything in my life to be different. Knowing I was the only one in my family with the courage, sanity, and strength to tackle motherhood in such a unique fashion. I fully embraced the embodiment of what motherhood is as a job, as a joy, as a frustration.
Especially now as I am standing on the edge of a dawn of a new chapter in life. So much has happened in such a short time with bidding a sorrowful goodbye to child rearing today The Chad goes in for his vasectomy. A bittersweet moment brushed over me as I knew I would never smell a new baby born from my womb. My moments of motherhood frozen in time with photos and my impeccably solid memory (like an elephant really) will forever cherish those once in a lifetime moments.
Yesterday I received a call that changed everything. While I had not been looking for a job, since I have the unique opportunity of working from home, as I wish, generating income whenever I want, I had submitted by resume for shits and grins. Not hearing anything for months except for the typical “Come sell insurance” scams, I all but abandoned any idea of working out of the house and was pleased with feeling rejected. For once in my life!
Until I received the call offering me an unbelievable position with an even more unbelievable company that offers health insurance for our family that currently LACKS healthcare coverage. I would have a 401k again, lunches undisturbed, adult conversation, professional conversation, time out of the house and moreso than just a trip to Whole Foods and Costco.
But then I sobbed. I sobbed alone in my kitchen, in my bathroom, on my couch. I am still sobbing. Bawling like a baby, weeping the death of a life I felt so tragic to live. Who the hell wants to be a stay at home mom anyway. I did, I do. I held my composure long enough yesterday to visit a pre-school and childcare center the twins will attend and Grant will attend in the summer for summer camp. The twins were glass eyed and eager to see other gnomes, playmates, a new environment for their budding social personalities. I saw a germ infested, non-organic, styro-foam cup using facility that made my OCD cringe.
However, I know, and knew, in my heart that the twins will be fine. The facility is less than two blocks from our home, the staff is kind and loving, and the job I am offered and have agreed to take will yield money for our family that we need to provide the best for our kids. Even if only for a few years, which by that time the twins will be school age and yet another milestone in their life.
So with a heavy heart I take my fabulous new opportunity and bid farewell to the opportunity I so dreaded just four short years ago. I know this is best for my family, for our finances, and for my sanity, but ever so heavy on my heart. Goodbye to being a stay at home mom.