The wonderful part of the new year is all the new years resolutions, plans, the proverbial reset or restart for our year, our lives beginning with the change of the calendar. Funny how with the ringing in of the new year we seem to wash away all our sins to start anew. Much like the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur (please forgive me my Jewish friends, I am recalling from my pathetic online education through the University of Phoenix…har har…my theological knowledge of the holiday) where our sins are forgiven, although the Jewish people conduct themselves more properly where New Year’s is generally spent in a drunken blur for most. Sigh, I digress.
So the new year has come and with my new year I do not start my year fresh, but more enlightened, forgiven by all means, and with a greater knowledge, respect, and solace. Most people try to attain this just once in their lifetime. I am thankful that enlightenment holds no higher bar, no glass ceiling to break through, just various levels of acknowledgement and personal growth. With that being said I am going to tell you a very very long story. Feel free to judge, because no one passes a harsher judgment than myself.
Last year sometime I became friends with Voldermort. I use this analogy because her husband asked I not use her name, so I use the evil nickname applied to her by the Ewe Sorority of Blogging. Moving on, Â I befriended this girl but approached her with caution due to the level of uncertainty and the swinging door that is involved in mommy blogging. You all know what I am talking about, one day she is your BFF and the next day she just voiced to the world on Twitter how your husband smacks you around and you only said this in your sorority blogging forum. Ahem. As I befriended the Dark Lord, or for a better definition maybe I should refer to her as Kali or Shiva, I began to pity the problem(s) she faced by others and by my favorite stalker and troll extraordinaire (she knows I say this with complete sarcasm) Tanya, you know her as Mommy Goggles. Anyway, I listed to the woes, I began to believe them and was sucked in. I do not deny that no problem exists between the two and that they have gone back and forth nastily with one another, I do not deny this, however, the problem is not one sided where Tanya is innocent or Voldermort, oh Shiva, is innocent. But I began to believe, I had much faith that “Kali” was innocent in the transgressions. I let myself get so involved that I did awful things. I began to judge another mother, woman, person, for how life does not deal us hands in life that are considered to be the most favorable.
With that being said I let myself go where I should never have gone. I stooped to levels that I look back at and am saddened. I am disappointed and sad and amazed that I let myself get wrapped into something that 1. did not concern me and 2. did not affect me until I took the incident personally even though again, the incident(s) did not concern me. I let myself create a false Twitter account. I never denied nor admitted to this account, however, I merely let the dust settle until I felt necessary to admit and come clean about this account. Furthermore I made attacks on this account that I am not proud of, I am sure many of you are passing judgment, speaking underneath your breath “How could she….I knew it.” Well to those of you who may be saying that….piss off and suck goats nads would you? I merely had the balls to speak such vile words that, you all speak in whispered tongues, I carry no regret of saying such things, however, am shameful for what I have done. Additionally, at least I have/had the cajones to come forward, to admit I have done such awful things, said such awful words, where many women of the online blogging community hide behind the veil of their forums, their Skype chats, and their email passages. I would be happy if someone would go ahead and post all my ugliness, why you ask? Why not? I have nothing to hide and or gain at this point based on my interaction with this community. I do not monetize my blog, I do not seek out promotions, I let them seek me out, and if anyone wants to send damning info to PR go ahead, because in the end everyone loses.
I also do not ask for forgiveness, nor do I see any reason to apologize. Blasphemy! Right? Wrong. I need only ask for forgiveness of myself. I need only apologize to myself to let myself stoop to such evil levels as I did. To let someone and the problem they created consume me, I let it become mine. I judged myself harshly enough for what I did even though my “friends” were happy enough to tell me how they did not approve of my actions. Well good for you ladies, hence why you unfriended me on Facebook and no longer emailed me when I would reach out to you to say hi. I learned you were my friend as it suited you, because I fulfilled your need, not because you truly cared. In the mommy blogging realm I learned a lot, and unfortunately I had to learn the hard way.
Another thing I have been accused of and will happily come clean on is the libelous remarks that I am a racist. I laugh boldly at these remarks and do so happily because there is a clear and concise difference between making a racial slur and being a racist. However, I am highly uneducated through my mostly self-taught and intelligibly instructed higher learning of the University of Phoenix, so, again I digress with cheap shots against those who are on the 20 year plan for the standard, four-year undergraduate degree. But let me state this, I let myself be consumed by the idiotic, pillock, thick, simple-minded, dumb ass comments from a pure dolt and trog to humanity on Twitter. I was baited and I took it and then let myself stoop to such catfish consumption levels only for them to turn the hand that feeds and say “we are the victim” and I look to be the big bad wolf. Fine by me, however, with this new year I no longer will let myself stoop.
This year I pity the weak of mind and heart as I come clean and bear no ill will for myself in what I have done, the pain I have caused others, and I can forgive myself and move on. I also carry no ill will, anger, or hate, as this is non productive. Kali, or shall I call her Shiva (which means destroyer in Hindi), the Voldermort, carries no bearing on my life, I care nothing about what she does, but the lies and stories and gossip stops here, with this post. If you seek the truth, come to me, I came clean, I have nothing to hide. I post it openly and willing on this blog admitting my faults and wrong doings. While I am not proud, I carry no regret, I carry no hate, only the promise of tomorrow. So I leave you with the message I sent Kali, I Tweeted no ill will to her hate filled spouse, and I no longer will respond to such idle, weak, and dolt minded attacks to bait me into a pig pen. The conversation is moot and unproductive as the individual thrives on picking a fight and calling out “I am the victim” which is a classic sign of codependency and martyrdom. No longer will I aid those who can wallow in their own misery in the privacy of their own homes, I will not aid in this public despair.
Feel free to un-friend me as you have once done, feel free to judge me as harshly as you see fit. But I have judged myself the harshest, I have held myself to higher standards to which I had once failed to maintain, and now I have forgiven myself and I move on in my adventure in life and hope you will come back to read about my boring life as a mom to twins and my boy and my life as a wife and my struggles as a woman and human.
As I stated in my final statement, I do not dwell nor live in the past, it carries no value, that is why they call it the present, it is a gift.
Eerily a feeling waved over me, the chill and uneasiness, a wave albeit of sadness from an unknown void. Until I realized the time that was swiftly approaching, a time that I had almost let slip my mind. October 17th. Any normal day to any normal person, but this was and is no normal day. On that day in the year of our lord 2009 I lost my grandfather. Almost to the day I sit and type my post of how influential and how special and how blessed I could be to own such a person to memory, to my heart, and in my life. I still cry like a baby as I try to create words for this man, the day of his service I struggled with strength for my family. I knew if I went to pieces, me, the proverbial family rock and gem, would ultimately be like Atlas as the world would come crushing down around myself and my family. But today as I sent an email to my grandmother and my aunt wishing them strength and love today my grandmother greeted me yet again with unyielding strength and joy. I cannot quite fathom how a woman who stands four feet nine inches and weighs all but 90 pounds sopping wet can be such an enormous force, she is an amazement.
participated in my life; my birth, riding my first horse, eating my first pomegranate, my high school graduation, my wedding, the birth of my children, and my college graduation. His journey was mine and I am thankful everyday for him and my family.
