Tag: humor

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Perfection Is as Perfection Does

I was asked once, “Karie, is your house, life, everything always this perfect?”
I pondered for less than a millisecond, and the answer I blurted out, “No.”
LIES!
I took a step back recently, I pretended I was an outsider to my own home, looking in as if a stranger or newcomer into my home and life. What I saw was pretty amusing…at least for me…quite amusing because I truly carry the ultimate facade of She Can Do No Wrong.

The Facts:

  1. I Shower DAILY….sometimes twice DAILY because any stench of ick makes me want to puke.
  2. I do truly smell and shit roses because you could never tell anyone had dropped a load of feces in the porcelain god because my toilet is truly white and pristine. ALWAYS.
  3. I always have candles a flame….a lovely ambiance and the smell is relaxing.
  4. I rarely leave the house without makeup, if I do, I had better look fabulous.
  5. My hair is always done, whether I re-brush and use a straight iron to eliminate the JBF I still have fabulous hair.
  6. Even my “grungy” clothes, the ones I consider to be a t-shirt and jeans….FABULOUS. A slim fitting Calvin Klein tee and bella Dahl jeans.
  7. My bathroom NEVER, EVER looks like a truck stop restroom, nor does it look like Chewbaca visited. I cringe when I see other “normal” bathrooms like that. Seriously, I don’t even have toothpaste spatters.
  8. My kitchen is as sterile as an operating room. Every inch is cleaned RELIGIOUSLY, even while cooking my counters are free of debris, spatters, dishes, etc. In fact, all of my cookware is washed immediately AFTER use to avoid the nastiness that will sit overnight.
  9. Seriously I think anyone who celebrates Passover would be happy to know my home is ALWAYS free of crumbs, dog hair, dust, like I said, RELIGIOUS about my cleanliness.
  10. My yard….pretty pristine. Now the party in the back is not so much with the doggie land mines and all. I am not a fan of picking up hot steamers….so thankful for the warm Arizona sun to dry them out for easy scooping.
  11. The bed….made daily. You would think I had a housekeeping service because my sheets are taut, wrinkle free, and the bed is always made….even with useless decorative pillows and shams. That’s how I roll.
  12. The playroom. The one room in the house that should always be a disaster, riddled with toys abound….fail whale…they are all put away. Even the stuffed animals are arranged.
  13. My bookshelf…as I said….color coded and arranged by genre; so my bookshelf looks like a cascading rainbow of literary spines from self-help to my corporate finance text’s to science fiction and fantasy. My bookshelves are truly a masterpiece.
  14. The art work. Oh me or my….my artwork is even arranged in such a manner. Almost alphabetical the way they run through my home. From Kadinsky to Picaso to Van Gogh, plus some private label art. I am a lover of the fine arts and their placement in my home.
  15. My towels are neatly and evenly hung in the bathroom along with hand towels, tip towels, and a beautiful bar of hand soap. My wash cloths are also neatly placed in my shower caddy tower arranged in a rainbow for easy access to a new washcloth for using.

Truly I think you get the picture of my “perfection” which is sad. I truly try to let my house go, I try HARD, really HARD to not work so hard at keeping a good house. I truly try hard to not let my compulsion take over. Some call it a disorder, but really…I find a lot of order to my “disorder,” albeit a method to my madness. Take a good look:

Okay…I lied a little…I left Little Bitty’s shoes on the island and my water bottle as I took these photos.
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Text Message Folly

Just the other day I was on my standard trip to Costco to load up on TONS of milk and miscellaneous that I need around the house. I really just need a freaking cow for crying out loud….you just cannot imagine the amount of milk three little gnomes can power through.

Anyway, I leave the house and totally space looking up where the nearest Whole Foods Market may be. I thought I might check them out for this specialty item I have been shopping for and haven’t found….thinking they might have it. So I figure I would text the old little sister and see if she can Google the closest Whole Foods for me. Fantastic! Here is how our texts play out:

Me: B, can u look up the closest whole foods, plz.

B: The nearest Whole Foods is Tempe or Gilbert.

Me: That blows!!! CRAP

B: Goats or penises?

Now here is where the replies get tricky, my sister and I have great banter! Watch as I foul up my texts…I am such a dork!!

Me: Goats!!! Penises are YUMMO!!!

DH: What????

Me: What……

OH MY OH NO I DID NOT!! Oh! YES. I. DID. I. SENT. THAT. TEXT. TO. DH.

 

Now I was laughing hysterically, in the car mind you….yes texting while I am driving, but hey…safer than surfing the web on the old phone. I seriously thought I had the best reply….only to have that shattered by the old DH. Who was wondering why I was discussing penises via text and with whom I was discussing penises. I could not understand why my sister did not reply….now I understood. Sheesh for having those two so close on my contacts list. I had to look into my sent messages to find I sent the text to DH instead of my sister. I failed miserably at the texting that day. So I forwarded the text to her with this note:

Me: ……sent this text to C, on accident, shoulda gone to you……GOATS!! Penises are YUMMO!!

B: LMFAO!!!

Yes I am the texting noob queen. I will never text and drive again! At least not when I am talking about what blows….goats or penises!
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My First, And Only, Retraction, or Edit

So many of you, as I did, thoroughly enjoyed the post about my letters I never intend to send. DH enjoyed it only half as much as we did.

I WAS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY WHEN HE READ IT!!!!

OK, in all seriousness the man giggled, and then asked for a retraction.

I told him HELL NO……..but the words never left my lips. DAMN IT!

He Google messaged me……”Did you post the retraction yet? That I DID NOT clog the toilet?”

I ignored the Google message. Never happened. (LMAO)

“It was Big G’s fault the toilet clogged….you know how he is?”

Again…..the retraction why? Like father like son?!

“You know he likes to use A LOT of TP and baby wipes to wipe his ass.”

Yes my dear boy still uses baby wipes….he will also be the only child in the lunchroom at school using a warm, lemon scented towel to wipe his hands and face before and after eating.

Here I am on a Monday night, when I would rather be making my beer brew soap….which is OH SO DELICIOUS! You can use it as a shampoo bar too, so rocks, lots of lather, great conditioning.

OH RIGHT, sorry, so here I am posting my retraction about the “toilet and ass wiping abilities of DH.” As I had promised him…..because I never break a promise….unless it has to do with our parents….then I don’t promise anything….

Here is my official retraction to Mr. Fish:

My Dear Husband, I love you and at least 90% of the time your wiping abilities and flushing capabilities are adequate. However, at least 10% do require some tweaking. But I am willing to accept my wrong doing in that the dear boy Big G was the single, sole, and ONLY culprit for the toilet clogging incident that I, yes me ALONE, had to clean up. Please accept my public, very public apologies for the misrepresentation of your business with the latrine. Good day.

I can’t wait to see his reaction to this post.
I haven’t been able to stop laughing since I started typing!!
I love you dear.

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My future daughter-in-law, I am so sorry

My Dear Daughter-in-Law,

I write this letter in complete embarrassment. I am thankful you love my son for all of his fine qualities. The boy was always so lovable and very affectionate as a young child. So much so that I apologize for the way he may kiss you. His intentions are good but his teacher was terrible!

Have a DOG-GONE Great Day!

I know…….a real knee slapper!

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Wrong Tube of Toothpaste

Oh this is going to be such a long summer. I so desperately need to get my Big G involved in something. Crafts, arts, exercising, something other than his Wii, the daily dip in the pool, and his short stint of cartoons for the day.
This morning while we were all rushing around trying to get ready to take my car into the dealership for some much needed warranty work I hurried Big G into getting ready as well. The boy is a well known putz. He can putz like no other if the whip is not cracked.

Being that I am whip cracking, ball busting Mom extraordinaire, I told him he had to put his shoes on and brush his teeth.

He was taking exceptionally longer than normal to brush the few teeth he has not lost yet and that have not yet come in.

I run into the bathroom to ask what was taking so long!

To find this:

Now I can see how this looks like your standard tube of toothpaste. But upon further investigation…..I found that the tube was really:

Now to my complete HORROR and shock I asked if he had swallowed any to which he said no. Luckily I caught him in time. I then washed his mouth out as fast and as much as I could. Made him spit out as much nothing as he could and then made him brush his teeth with the correct tube. The actual toothpaste.

Later I pondered what made him think that was toothpaste. I know the only way he could have thought it was toothpaste is because of the tube itself. But the hydrocortisone was actually with the Neosporin and all the other medicinal items. Which told me he had to really really look and climb to reach this, when the toothpaste rests right there on the sink. Big G also told us he happened to brush his teeth with this yesterday!! YIKES. We are so lucky he didn’t become deathly ill from brushing his teeth with the cortisone cream. We are also just as lucky he didn’t reach for the tube of hemmoroid cream!! DOUBLE YIKES!!
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Dirty Jobs

Mom’s always have the luxury of the dirty jobs in the house. Not sure why….but we do.

Mine include picking up the land mines my bulldog has strategically placed in the backyard when attempting to play with the kids (poo on foot..YUM), laundry….definitely a dirty job, taking the trash to the curb (DH attempts to on most weeks but forgets), of course changing dirty diapers.

But one job appears to be the taboo in some households…..but not mine.

The other night while giving the Squids their nightly bath, DH was so kind to draw the bath for the little gnomes and proceed to wash them while I did dishes. (Another dirty job)
I walked in just when Pickles Magoo was set to be dried off and readied for jammies (another dirty job…..here is why) when I noticed he had what appeared to be a bit of a rash.
Not your typical splotchy rash, but one that was a solid red…..and in the worst spot.
Right on his “junk” as referred to by Big G and DH.
Yes, the poor boy had a solid red looking rash right on his baby testicles. Upon further investigation I found that he was probably just a tad chapped from his diaper and that the rash would clear once we dried him off and put in a fresh diaper.

So I went about drying him off and lubing him up (what we refer to as putting on lotion) when DH looked over at me and this conversation took place:

DH: You gonna do anything for his rash?
Me: No should be fine, it’s already subsiding.
DH: Well you are already lubing him up…..why don’t you get his junk, just rub it all over and that should help.
Me: (As if I didn’t already know that…..I am a mom!! DUH!! Look that I give him)
Me: *Continued moment of silence
DH: What?
Me: I just realized that I have lubed up every male’s testicles in this house……

It’s a dirty job…..but someone has gotta do it!!