raising kids Archives - Page 12 of 18

March 16, 2010October 6, 2014

Empty Nest

Boy on beach, San Diego, thefivefish.com

We stepped out of the overcrowded room, onto the open walkway overlooking the pool and began our journey back to the car. Hand in hand with little people who could hold no more than a single digit we walked along the balcony style breezeway to the stairwell. Quiet. The only sound was the pitter patter of the small feet that struggled to keep up with our pace. As we all descended upon the stairwell the silence was finally broken, “I feel like we are forgetting something…someone. A feeling that just is not right.”

I looked back in his direction to see the same expression of sadness and relief. Relief we FINALLY got out of a hotel suite that clearly could not accompany three adults and eight children. The sadness as if we just left or abandoned our child. As we both spoke aloud saying, “He will have a good time….he will have fun” much as if we were trying to convince ourselves that letting our oldest child venture on a vacation without us is perfectly acceptable. The seven days that he will be gone, not to wake in our presence, ask incessantly to play his tauren on my WoW account, his sweet requests for dinner, are gut wrenching.

My air way closes off, the burning and blurring of my sight as tears well and I fight the urge to cry. Not even when I was in pre-term labor or when I delivered the twins was I ever away from Grant this long. While I know in my heart he is having fun and enjoying his spring break vacation with his grandmother and cousins he sees only on rare occasions, I cannot help to worry. I cannot fight my bit of empty feeling. Â A somberness passes as I accept that my baby is getting older and he will want to spend less and less time with his father and I and his younger siblings.

I see the future that one day my boy will be a man and I can be thankful I spent the best years letting him spread his wings. Departing on small adventures on his own. Allowing him to find himself, his individuality, and finding happiness that we never held him back. The world is his playground and we are there to catch him if ever he should fall. We cannot wait for you to come home, we love you, miss you and hope you are having tons of fun on your vacation Grant!

Love,

Your Overprotective Mama and Encouraging Dad

March 12, 2010March 12, 2010

Judge and Jury

A conversation took place yesterday that really stirred a fire in me. Feelings of disappointment and frustration and general what the hell. The conversation was about how a judgment and rather several judgments have been made about me in many fashions. The verdict was clearly out by my family and the sad part is that I have to present proof otherwise, ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME. Sad really to have to present your own case to the ones in life who should know you best. Secondly I watched as some vicious idiot judged me publicly and without a conscience on the Internet. Bad move moron, and yes, that is my judgment of her.

But what I find more damning is that people claim to be “open minded” and “not judgmental” all the time, yet they make claims that clearly exhibit a form of judgment. More or less they have predetermined a person, situation, fuck it lets just say they assumed for the sake that theÂ euphemismÂ of assumption is fun. Mainly because we can say ASS and we are not referring to a buck toothed cousin of a horse.

What I am amazed by is not by the act of judgment, we all pre-judge to some degree in life, I am amazed by the wicked passing of judgment. The fact people will vomit malevolent statements based on their own ignorance. We were raised by a certain set of ethical standards and morals, or okay not WE, but a vast majority of people were raised in this fashion. These morals and ethical standards began to evolve as we grow through life. Sometimes the evolution means skewed lines or obtuse views or even the idea that these “rules” are tossed aside and ignored completely. However, others are so tightly gripped to their narrow guidelines that their worldly acceptance is so unswerving.

Yes that was my judgment that I think those people are ignorant. I pass judgment, we have all passed judgment, but to judge the PERSON is a separate act than to judge the situation, the person’s beliefs. Albeit judgment does NOT mean we have to destroy an individual, violate their boundaries, assassinate or crucify them in any fashion.

For example, many loved ones in my life CHOOSE to live a different lifestyle than me. More specifically, The Chad’s uncle is a gay man, openly gay. I commend him for his openness in a world that is so cruel and judgmental. His lifestyle is not for me, probably because I am a woman, however we do share a common penile infatuation. Ergo if I was a man, I would be gay. But I do not tell him that HE or his life is wrong, nor do I judge anything else about him or his lifestyle, because his life is not wrong, nor is his love. He is a helluva good man, and good cook might I add! Another example is my mother who has been together with her “spouse,” the man I refer to as my father (step-father for specifics people), they have been together for over 20 years and have not exchanged vows. Do I judge my mother for this, nope. Have I made a judgment regarding living together and marriage and all that “conservative” minutiae about traditional “marriage” and “living in sin?” Sure, but my view is, “Different strokes for different folks.” Considering I am married and have been married for 1o years I can see how my mother may not want to marry again, I can totally see and understand. So I do not judge her, I accept her decision and do not judge to be wrong.

Maybe the fact remains is that people judge so harshly based on his or her own fears, insecurities, bold jealousy, or the flat fact that they REFUSE to accept that other people have a way of life very different from his or her own. Thus they shove their opinion and “their way” down another’s throat, going as far as to violate boundaries, destroy relationships, exhibit public humiliation, and failing to find the even keel to say “I agree to disagree, your life, your decisions, not mine, no bearing.”

I know I have played judge and jury. I was young, still am if you ask me….my 30s are like my 20s only stronger, hotter, and way smarter. But I was very immature and made judgments about people and rather than making a judgment about a choice. I have since paid due to right my wrongs and display a level of neutrality and openness, hence my registered Republican voting card, choice of a democratic president, ALL FOR same sex marriage, and family values. Isn’t that a cluster fuck…

So I ask you, why judge so harshly? Â What are we teaching our children with these actions? Have you ever judged so harshly and thought “Why be like the rest of the cattle?” or are you on the opposite spectrum “I am right and the way I know is right and so damn you and your (*insert actions, beliefs, etc)!” Why is agreeing to disagree about views, opinions, and a way of life so hard to do? Does judgment have to do with control? Trying to control others and their actions? What’s your verdict?

March 9, 2010August 2, 2015

Legoland Adventure

Spring break starts for so many families right about this time of year. Our family wanted and needed to take a vacation. BADLY! We wanted to go somewhere within driving distance,Â preferablyÂ near the ocean, and definitely not any place cold. Clearly the only choice is and was sunny Southern California. The next option was what theme park or entertainment would we arrange for the kids so they could lose their silly minds? We thought about the “traditional” theme park and were dissatisfied with the fact that the entire family would not be able to enjoy the fun.

Until I researched Legoland. Can I tell you that Legoland is THE best choice for kids ages two(2) to oh let’s say probably 13. I scouted the park out virtually through their interactive website and saw all the activities directed specifically for kids. Shows, rides, characters to take photos, play areas with splash pads (water play), playground areas for tots, and let us not forget the almighty roller coaster!

I think that was the best part of the park for myself, The Chad, and Grant was that we could all ride the coasters. He was tall enough to ride by himself and even if he wasn’t, as long as he had a friend or adult tall enough to ride they could go together allowing him to enjoy all the fun. How super cool is that idea? The twins were much the same as well for the rides. Because they are 36 inches tall they could ride a good majority of the rides, but some, and definitely not the coasters, they could ride with The Chad or myself. The first traditional fun ride that Grant went on with The Chad was Aqua Zone and it is THE very first ride you see when you head into Imagination Zone from the entrance.

I personally LOVED this ride because of the spectator involvement. On the platform that overlooks the ride you see six colorful posts with buttons. Little did I know those buttons control air cannons that spout off water in a high powered blast to the wave riders of Aqua Zone. So another mother and I were watching our boys and we decided to gang up on them and fire off as many cannons as fast as we could and as fast as they would recharge. Needless to say we soaked our families and a few others and I was laughing so hard my ribs hurt.

What we really enjoyed about the rides and the entire park is that Legoland reminded us of the biggest carnival that merged with a super cool theme park, minus all the ugly creepy carniesÂ seen at a carnival.

Also do not think that Legoland is just for “boys” because this theme park is a hidden treasure for girls. After taking Grant on his very first roller coaster which was the Lego Technic, which was awesome as he cried in fear and The Chad had to calm him. AWESOME! We headed up the hill from The Imagination Zone into Castle Hill and I started to lose my mind with Sara as we saw princess dresses and face painting. Now this is NOT your typical face painting, imagine your entire face as a canvas of beautiful, girly, glittery color.

More coasters awaited as Grant and The Chad went on The Dragon coaster and I took the twins over to Explore Village and Playtown as they were getting fairly antsy to play themselves. We went on the Legoland Express…SEVERAL times, raced down the slides, played with the Duplo blocks and raced down the slides again. The two of them were having such a ball that I did not think that taking them on any more rides would top the fun they were having at Playtown. I could not stop snapping pictures of them playing with all the fun they were having. Because really this trip and the park is made for kids the same age as my kids. The age where everything is new and full of imagination. After about the 100th time on the Legoland Express and I noticed that the sky began to grow a bit darker we moseyed our way back to the entrance of the park where we enjoyed some quiet fun and relaxation.

Legoland has the Sea Life Aquarium attached to the park and can I tell you…AWESOME! The perfect way to end an exciting fun filled day of rides and running around is by walking through the dimly lit aquatic paths where you feel like you are actually swimming with the fish.

The aquarium is all indoor and truly amazing. The sea life is plentiful and many of the exhibits are right out of the California landscape and they are replicated in a way to mimic the movement of the tides and water at the shore and sea level. Truly fascinating. We wound our way around to a room where we were completely surrounded by fish! The kids were in awe. We were in awe. Again the experience was breathtaking and relaxing. We walked some more where we came upon an area that resembled what would look like an above ground tide pool and a wonderful gentleman who urged us to touch and play with the sea life. Well I could not resist the temptation and began my sea exploration of touching starfish, sea stars, sea cucumbers, which are the COOLEST to touch based on how they look. Grant, the chicken that he is, we coaxed (forced his hand really) into the water to touch and feel as well. Just a really neat experience and very educational.

Legoland in our “fishy” opinion is GRADE A the best for kids. The park is eco-friendly (lots of recycling), far from crowded, has a really great atmosphere, no waiting in lines, the staff is exceptionally easy breezy. Considering that our kids almost got us removed from the park. Just look at them…failing to follow the rules:

Yes all three of the kids…going head first down the slides. In fact Grant was chased by the staff for failing to sit on his behind while going on the Dune Raiders slide.

Way to go guys!

Needless to say if we lived in California we would definitely invest in the yearly membership for our kids to visit Legoland as often as possible. Now that we also know how much fun they had we will be sure to plan more trips and include Legoland in our fun. Thank you so much to the staff of Legoland for a wonderful experience.

**The Five Fish received complimentary media passes to Legoland which were a one day park hopper that included admission for four to Legoland and the Sea Life Aquarium.*

March 6, 2010October 6, 2014

Twin Family Vacation

Have you ever heard the phrase, “Your life changes when you have kids?” Â Well DUH Sherlock! Have you ever heard the phrase, “You must (or sure do) have your hands full?” Yes, like all the time from people about my life as a mother of twins. I knew I had my hands full when I had Grant, they just happened to be able to hold two more when I had the twins.

Our life changed drastically with the twins and that included family vacations of any sort. When we had Grant and Grant alone, trucking around a single child in the airport is a breeze compared to a child and two toddlers. Not to mention any public place or venue that I take all three kids. Needless to say I understand why people, or parents with multiples do not venture into public very often, because the outing is an ordeal.

But The Chad and I were presented with a unique situation where he would be on business in San Diego for half the week. With San Diego being only a six hour drive from home, we thought, let’s make this a family vacation. The kids can see the beach, we can catch up with family, what is stopping us?

Not much stopped us and can I tell you that the worst part of the vacation was the packing, unpacking, and maybe not having enough for the kids to do while in the car? Otherwise, venturing into a “vacation” with twin toddlers and a six year old was totally doable.

I will say that having enough for the twins to do and having another adult to help is a MUST! I was thankful that The Chad was able to help with the twins because they were like Thing 1 and Thing 2 at some moments where each was going in his and her own direction and I did not have enough hands. I will also say that I braved the beach with all three and I am EVER so glad I did as I set them free. Each did his or her own thing and were completely content.

But as with all good things, they must come to an end, however, we are ever so glad they did come to an end. We could not be happier that we are home. In our beds, our house, our comforts of home. Now if we could just move home to San Diego we are set. No but really, we are thankful to be home and we cannot wait to share about all the fun we had! Honestly, I thought I was going to die on this trip. I prepared for the worst and at the end of the day, I got the absolute best because I was relaxed and I didn’t stress with my kids. I guided them from harm and let them just enjoy their time and their experience and we all healed our souls with this trip. Now, I must do some healing for my eyes as I get some much needed sleep to tell you all about our trip.

March 2, 2010

Night Owl Spawn

My kids are absolutely great. I mean they have their moments where I seriously think I will lose my mind…which is at about 4pm everyday as they morph during the witching hour. From the day the twins were born I hammered into their little ways of life a thing called “a schedule.”

They would sleep at the same time, eat at the same time, breath, bathe, everything at the same time. Each night, every night since they were the ripe age of roughly six months my little demons loves have gone to bed before 7:30pm each night. I really cannot bitch and complain about their sleep schedule because their sleep has rocked. Even Grant has had a great sleep schedule. Since starting school he starts heading to bed at 7:30pm each night as well to allow for a bit of goober time, a story, and last minute bathroom breaks.

When 8pm rolls around the only sound in the house is the typing on my keyboard and the rumble of the bulldog snoring into the nicest dog bed around, also known as our leather sectional. Yeah, that’s a WHOLE other blog post.

Tonight however, my kids decided that they would be cracked out little demons who refused to go to sleep. Not falling asleep at 7:30pm or 8:30pm or 9:30pm for that matter. Oh no, they decided to finally pass out around the ripe time of 10:30pm.

I mean what the hell? Anyone else experiencing or have you experienced a night where your kids just say “To hell with the schedule…PARTY ON WAYNE!!”

February 15, 2010May 8, 2019

And then there were two

Hard to believe just two years ago I was ever so thankful to the higher powers that be that I went into labor THE DAY after Valentine’s. While still a blessing to deliver two sweethearts on the sweetest day of the year I wouldn’t want these two to be screwed eternally. Like being born on or around Christmas. As a child you miss out on the loots.

I went into labor at around 9am or 10am that morning. A Friday to be exact. Grant was home that day since he did not have his early learners class. I made a late breakfast and breathed through my contractions. What a joy to actually feel my contractions. My abdomen tightening and releasing was such a thrill for me. I had back labor with Grant so I prayed for mercy for any poor soul that touched, talked, or let alone BREATHED on me when I was in labor with him.

After breakfast I did some laundry and then decided to tell my mother I was in labor. The Chad called in that morning; he was having a late start since the company he worked for was on what they liked to call “Mormon Standard time” which meant everything was at least 15 minutes or more behind the scheduled time. My kind of company if you ask me.

We timed the contractions which I know this may sound sick, but I loved them. So thrilling and getting stronger by each hour or so. They were still about 20 minutes apart. I cleaned the house and mopped the floors. Did some dishes. Needless to say I was nesting at the last minute. Finally at about two that afternoon I called my mom and said it was time for us to leave and I needed her to grab the boy. He was unfortunately not allowed to come since the time of year was RSV season and I was technically in “pre-mature” labor but definitely not pre-term. Been there done that with the twins which is another fabulous story.

By the time my mother arrived and we headed to the hospital we were in the midst of rush hour traffic and the hospital was in the north valley. A good 30 minutes or more to get there on a regular traffic day so add 15 minutes for good measure. I was breathing through them still. Now they were getting closer….about two minutes apart and we were on the interchange which meant at least another 20 minutes or more to get to the hospital as we jockeyed through rush hour on the 202 to the 51.

We walked straight up to the OB floor where I checked in and was placed in the same crappy room from my pre-term experience. I was then greeted by the bitch ray of light nurse that everyone wants when in labor with twins. Condescending, cold, and just a bundle of “So glad to have you as my nurse.” Thankfully her coven must have called her back because I was greeted by the true bundles of joy shortly after her. A nurse who was ever excited and I was happy to have someone there to treat me like an intelligent human and not just a humongously pregnant blond broad.

Vitals were done and I was walking through drug options by my anesthesiologist who quite frankly reminded me of Mr. Burns from the Simpsons. Creepy! I was then wheeled into the OR buck naked and prepped for surgery. WTF!!??

I was so excited to have these babies but oh dear what in ever is holy in this world was I thinking about being cut open….AGAIN!!??? AWAKE??!!

So The Chad joined me after I was numb and was completely clueless to my lack of feeling until I felt a sensation of rushing which meant they were working on me and I was told “You will feel a bit of tugging.”

ARE YOU DAMN SERIOUS?! HAVE YOU FELT THE TUGGING!? Holy schnikes Batman that is the weirdest feeling on Earth. And so I lost it. Yes…..bawling. Crying. Wailing. Begging to know the answer:

“What the fuck were we thinking honey bunny?” As The Chad wiped the tears from my eyes and the OR erupted into hysterical laughter! I cried in my head…stop laughing you imbeciles you have no idea.

Then I heard the beautiful sound of a baby cry. Baby A. 4:53pm. Lots of scurrying about and “Oh my gawd’s.” What were these OMG remarks about. Please tell me. Again I hear, “Some more tugging” to which I want to say, are you hearing yourself man…I will show you a tug! And they say Baby B. 4:54pm. No cries. Again, the scurrying and The Chad tells me they are beautiful and they all run off.

I lay there. Cold. In shock. Really. I lost a good amount of blood, throwing my body into shock where I am borderline convulsing from the cold. I am about to lose my mind. Thoughts and fears. Lots of fear and no one is talking to me. I lay in a pool of tears unable to speak, fighting back all my urge to scream out and cry. I am given blankets for warmth but the warmth is gone like a fart in a windstorm. I am lost in my own thoughts, a sea of confusion demanding to know where my babies are what the hell is going on will someone help me.

I am wheeled back into my room where I begin recovery where I am swarmed by the medical team. Finally the swarm and their buzzing begin to subside and I see the man who looks like a boy in a candy store. He is beaming. Grin from ear to ear like the cat who ate the mouse. Telling me all about the experience in the nursery with the twins. I am hurt but ever so eager to hear. Wanting so badly to have been in there with them.

He explains the condition with Baby A, Seth Michael Herring weighing in at a strong 8lbs 2 oz. Yes. That’s right. In fact Big G weighed that when he was born. He is doing well, they were a bit worried about him but he is doing well. Had to suction him a bit extra since he had a bit extra fluid on his lungs but he is doing well. I demand the APGAR on Seth which was a 9. Oh thank heavens! I then beg to hear about Baby B Sara Noel Herring weighing in at a petite, but ever so healthy 6lbs even. She is smaller a needed a bit with her glucose levels but she is doing really well. Hardly any crying and she came out with her eyes open and bright. The OR staff called her a peanut because of her size and the OMG I heard was the sheer size of Seth. Beast!

Not until that night was I finally able to hold my children. To weep and stare at them. In sheer awe of the 36 weeks and 4 days of incubation to get to this moment. A moment of denial and disbelief. Is this my life? Are these really my children in all their beauty and perfection? Their snub noses and beautiful round heads. Grunting and nuzzling. I wanted to just look at them and hold them ever so tightly. Never forgetting this moment. I did it. I really did this. I brought life to TWO separate people in the same womb. Healthy. I could hold them and be with them. I was on the highest cloud. And at the same time my brain went into overdrive.

I now had a c-section to recover from in addition to caring for these babies. i got my ass in gear and got up as much as my body would not let me. I forced myself through my exhaustion to walk. I had to walk. Walking would jump start my bowels again. I fought. I didn’t sleep for 36 hours. I deprived myself and I was beginning to fail. I could not do this. I finally shook off the mommy guilt and asked the nurses to take the twins and feed them for me so I could sleep. A measly four hours but four hours on pain meds was better than none. I learned to sleep more in the next 24 hours. I learned to manage them and manage my time. I plotted out feeding schedules and times and who preferred what breast and what I could do to make sure these two remained healthy and strong.

And today I look at what I can do to retain my sanity for just a few more hours. As I watch them push chairs to countertops to retrieve the Blackberry, the “pown” as they call it. I watch them load the dishwasher and say ‘Cheers’ as they clank their sippy cups together. I cry at small moments when I am alone to know they are my legacy. I am saddened that I will never hold a baby of my own again. The downy molt of their skin smelling like Baby Fresh lotion and the faint smell of a new diaper. The beautiful sleepy eyes of two nursing faces. The small fingers caressing the side of my breast as I fed them. So I grieve the end of my era as a mother to a newborn. I embrace my future as a potential grandmother.

I hold them tighter today as they turn two. Strong, intelligent, resourceful, obstinate and loving they are, I am in awe that these two people are mine. All mine. How fast the time flies. How I want them to grow up and how I want them to stay this small, cherishing each moment no matter how frustrating when they unload the recycle bin together. Toss tupperware dishes full of dirt into the house. Or unload my bathroom of my toilettries and the 10 pack of razors I bought is now a three pack since seven were used as a flushing experiment and basic entertainment. I will never forget the moment I found I was pregnant with them, delivered them, held them, knew I loved them, and I will never forget how I watched them grow.

Happy Birthday Seth and Sara…love Mama.

February 11, 2010June 5, 2015

Because People Like to Say Salsa

Each day the duo have something new to say and they make me laugh! I try to get video…even though the quality is totally terrible on my phone but its the fastest pocket size camcorder I have. I need one to capture all these fun moments. So here is Seth boy with his newest word:

February 7, 2010May 8, 2019

If You are Gonna Give

Give big. I am a true philanthropist. While I think people can be real fuckheads pains in the neck, at the root of all I believe a good portion of people are good and true as part of their nature. So my love of humankind is probably part of my cat nature as a Leo. I have every intention of making the world a better place one person and soul at a time, albeit I will probably die a failure, but I WILL do what I can in this life. I would hate for karma to come back and be a bit too pissed off and reincarnate me as a roll of toilet paper to wipe up other assholes shit.

Onto my story. I recently saw a posting on my twin mom club board that a mom in northern Arizona is in need. She has twins, not a part of any club or ours, and she is in need of formula because WIC only covers so much and the rest she has to attempt to purchase on her own. Now if you a mother who formula fed, you know pretty darn well how EXPENSIVE formula is for one baby….tack on an extra mouth. I tandem breastfed the twins for 10 glorious months before I thought I would lose my mind by never seeing the light of day and I made the decision to slowly wean them to formula for the last month and half before their one year birthday. During that time can I tell you how much formula I went through?

Every 3 days we opened a new Costco size can of Enfamil. COSTCO size folks. Biggie size. Super Size! And if I recall the price was close to $40 a can. One can, every three days times $40. Can you say I need a loan to feed those kids?

Now I can totally empathize with this mother, I feel for her. The sad thing, there are no programs other than ours right now that I have been able to find that can help her. As I said, she is on WIC. But WIC is only designed for one newborn, not TWO! So I am coming to you all. For help. Do you know of any other programs, opportunities, freebies, support to help a mother? I know she is not alone, we have received several requests and as my duty and position within in the club as donations coordinator I am gathering donations for these mothers as a “Milk Closet” per se that will include the expensive necessities to care for two infants. If you know of any programs, companies, opportunities to help these women in our communities who struggle to care and feed their children please let me know or hey if you want to make a donation let me know that too and I will provide you with our IRS and Federal 501(c)(3) non profit tax ID information.

February 2, 2010May 8, 2019

That Love and Feeling

While I would love to serenade you to The Righteous Brother’s I will spare you my lusterless singing ability. But I will share something that piqued me to do this post. I happened to be helping a dear friend who needed to vent and was seriously about to lose her mind, much like the rest of us who are on the brink thanks to motherhood, and I was amazed at the observation she had about a loved one who is very near to delivering a baby. Mind you moms….a baby. An innocent, new car smell, bundle of peeing, pooping, boobie loving joy.

My friend told me how she thinks her dear loved one appears to not in anyway be attached to her unborn child. I was speechless. Seriously almost stupefied. But a comment and observation such as this is not the first to put me in the blond woman trance.

When I delivered the twins my mother made an astonishing remark to me the day they were born that forever lives in me; “How does it feel? Is it any different?” Okay is what different because I had a C-section so yeah that was different to have someone play with my uterus from the outside in AND I could feel the “tugging” which really freaked me the hell out. Plus the whole catheter thing…can you say GROSS! She continued to say, “Do you love them both…exactly the same, no more no less, you just love them?”

The amazing thing with carrying any child is that as a soon to be mother you truly either have that love and feeling or you don’t. You either build a primal, instinctive bond with your unborn child or you do not. I am a firm believer that although women were given a uterus that does not mean they were given the ability to love and rear a child…well rear yes, love and feeling, no. I also feel that some women are just incapable of those feelings on a higher plane period.

My pregnancy with Grant was amazing and I took so much for granted at first, but at about six to seven months when I really began to show and his kicks grew in intensity and my co-workers saw me flinch all of the sudden my belly was an alter of love. My friends and co-workers would flock to touch my belly, feel Grant kick, I knew I was beaming because I was so blessed with the creation of life inside of my body. I could feel these kicks and turns and hiccups ALL the time. To watch their faces was such a blessing, that I should cherish my pregnancy in spite of the heartburn, constipation, wetting my pants, cravings and awkward sex. A moment that these people, who were caressing my stomach like a love ball would not understand, and I needed to forget all my woes as I watched how my audience was in awe at my creation of life.

Now the twins…well…my reaction to finding out about my pregnancy spoke volumes as to my utter excitement. I had an almost acrimonious attitude, albeit I was delighted to be pregnant and that I was bound for a healthy pregnancy, but the thought of two individuals invading a very small space of real estate that is my uterus was less than a stellar thought. Once I went through my stages of grief in a rather swift fashion I was excited and I knew this pregnancy was a challenge.

The experience was all of a challenge. Carrying two healthy babies to almost full term and by not suffering from any illnesses or gestational induced diseases I had won the battle. But above all the experience was phenomenal. To feel two distinct individuals kicking, hiccuping, moving, I wanted to pet them, and so I did. I would spend hours rubbing my bulbous midsection that almost seemed alien-like. I would talk to them, sing, have big brother do the same and have him feel all that I felt, I was captivated by this pregnancy.

So upon their arrival I knew at that moment, that I heard each cry that I knew I loved these children. When Grant was born, I was overcome, I was wrought with emotion and did not want to let my baby go, ever! With the twins I was much the same and yet felt so hopeless lying on an operating table, fully lucid, unable to reach and hold my children, unable to unleash my raw emotion of birth. For hours I waited for them, waiting to hear and see them, hear more of their cry’s to know they are mine.

Finally when I was allowed the opportunity to hold them and see them I was hypnotized. I just looked at the two of them. In awe. They are mine. I did it and I just wanted to trace their faces with my finger and look at each tiny finger and toe as I had cherished so much with the birth of Grant. I broke down, overcome by the love so easily disbursed to these two tiny people. So when my mother asked me if I could love the two of them equally, just as I could one, I should have taken more sensitivity, because who wouldn’t love the two, equally and unconditionally.

But I can see now how the love for a child is so individual, how the love and feeling for a child or unborn child still in utero is based on the mother and the primal bond that either exists or it doesn’t. I truly feel for those who are incapable of loving a child in that way or unable to love any child for that matter, maybe a lot has to do with age, but I can say that the feeling of seeing your children for the first time after such a long gestation is something to be treasured, and one I feel each and everyday I see them. Regardless of the messes they make, the back talking, the fits, the absolute disasters and embarrassments I can still look at them and be hypnotized by that love and feeling.

January 31, 2010May 8, 2019

I Suck as a Mom

Not only do I suck as a mother…but just about every other uterus that has hosted the parasite child and or children that we love today is a suck-tatstic mom. I know…how dare I say you suck as a mom. Well admit..you do! Hell, all those ass hats who CLEARLY think they are such great human beings that camp out on Twitter, Facebook, blogs, in the “Self Help” section of Barnes and Noble, you know they MUST be better mothers, fathers, parent’s right? Look where you can find them.

Wrong. Here is why they can eat rat heads and suck a goat’s ass. Our parenting skills are courtesy of our parents with a twist, we take what we learn from them and put our twang into parenting. Think of it as a cubre libre, a rum and coke…with a lime. We aren’t given the master manual of how to raise our children to June Cleaver standards, which I am still researching, I believe June was flawed and…I know that if you are given a nickname like “Beaver” you are bound for fricking therapy!

I was talking with The Chad today about my blog. I told him I was so happy to take a step back, to see where I was, to look at the kids again in a different light and before I knew it we were discussing my book. Yes. A book. My book. The book I am writing based on the fact that I am a parenting expert who knows diddly shit! Just like all the other diddly shit knowing parents out there. We talked so much about all the funnies from our early parenting days with Grant. Simple items like ‘How to Feed Your Child.’ Sounds easy right? Wrong. If you were like us, we fed the poor boy until he puked. Yup. Projectile, overfilled the damn tank like they tell you not to do at the gas station, mistake of over feeding our kid. How were we to know? He just kept going….so we rooted him on like any good parent watching their child at a hot dog eating contest. Until we got the Poltergeist effect of formula hurled onto us with a projectile reach of at least five feet. Good form Grant baby….all over me AND dad.

We make mistakes. Lots of mistakes. Mistakes are not bad, mistakes are meant to be lessons to be learned. I look at mistakes as information that was mis – tooken. Yes, I mistook the information to be correct. I was not necessarily wrong, just an err. By looking at my mistake as a simple err rather than a brow beating incident that would result in endless mommy guilt that I would inevitably take out on my child who would take out on their child and we all would end up on Jerry Springer in therapy.

Being a parent is the hardest job on Earth. Our training sucks, the vacation time only gets better after 15 years of service (maybe less), the pay is wet and sloppy (but hey…I will take kisses any day of the week), and the hours are a bitch (Parenting gives a new meaning to the “graveyard” shift). So before you swing your royal gavel about being a parent or someone else’s parenting skills, take a step back and remember you may be pointing one finger at them. But you have at least three pointing back at YOU! Each of us that are parents do what we can with the tools we are given and we can build a bridge or we can build a fortress. Parenting is like a flower with each petal, each bloom, and each dormancy a new chapter in how we shape our children and ourselves. Making mistakes and learning from them is all the fun of looking back at how we have flowered, bloomed, and how we pollinated with beautiful people for whom we call our children.

Do your best, love your kids, and know that you are doing your best with what you know at THAT moment in time, in your life, and that you did and will continue to do right by your children and yourself. Because I know that I can look at my kids and know that I am not perfect, but I love each one of my children perfectly, no one can change that and no one can tell me how to raise them or love them.