A lot of moments in a child’s life can be considered proud parental moments but none so bright as watching your child evolve. When I had Grant I was a full time career woman, basically a child was extracurricular for me at the time. Call it status quo of life, having a child at 25 was something I was suppose to do and internally I had this drive, a desire to be a mother. I did not quite grasp the motherhood warm and fuzzy until Big G was about three. The Chad and I experienced a lot of emotional and trying ups and downs early into Grant’s life; with living in a nice but cramped Scottsdale apartment as we waited for our home to sell in Albuquerque so that we could buy another home here in Arizona, putting a dog down, losing employment, gaining employment, having a child, moving again, getting pregnant again (with twins) and losing the pregnancy, losing employment again, gaining employment again. We went through a lot so we were busy trying to be the responsible adults and basically in survival mode to care for our child that I did not get to stop and say, “Hey I am a mom, my child is unbelieveable.”
I finally was able to experience that warm fuzzy, the emotional wave of the real connection of motherhood only after our turmoils, only after I received the opportunity to stay at home with Grant and work out of the house. My baby boy was sent to daycare at the ripe age of seven weeks. I missed almost everything, but experienced and learned a lot. I look back now and am sad that our life circumstances were such, but I do not carry any regret just a pain in my heart that I know will be healed over time. But I had my moment where I watched my boy play and smile, cause trouble and push the envelope of what was allowed in our home and I was awe struck. Dumbfounded at best. I could spend all day with him, uninterrupted, raw, precious.
He is my child. I gave birth to him. No aliens will be back to take him home. He is not leaving, he’s all mine, to love and guide through life. To watch him fall down and get up, to watch him follow his dreams, to gaze upon him and he in turns looks at me to embrace me with the largest hug his small arms can muster and say:
“I wub joo mama”
I have watched him as he has evolved in his young life. I will watch him as he continues to evolve, grow and mature into a wonderfully brilliant young man. From the day he was born I knew he was brilliant. Not because of his father and I (although we do make damn fine children), but he has a spark like that of a growing star. His spark will one day reach a super nova and revolve in that state for all eternity as I do not see his brilliance overtaking him. But in the last few years I have really watched him change and become his own person.
So today was like any other day with the exception of a parent teacher conference. I chalked this visit to be like the rest, minus The Chad again as he is traveling for business. Upon walking into this meeting though I did have a new feeling, the warm and fuzzy that has swept me before, came in waves again. I began to recall Grant through the various stages of his life. From the bean sized shadow on a black and white ultrasound printout, an infant, an adventurous tot, and now he is a young boy, almost a young man with his demeanor.
One day I felt I woke up and he was this magnificent creature who has a wide and wondrous mind that sees no boundaries in his fellow man. Each carries the same features and abilities as he, ever accepting, ever loving, and he treats everyone as an equal. I am speechless to watch him interact, his bold blindness as if he were Eve prior to the apple debacle. The meeting commenced and when they told me of his educational brilliance I felt another wave, deeper than the one before. I could not believe the accomplishments of my child. Math, addition and subtraction, graphing, time and money, grammar and grammatical tenses, reading books at the first and second grade levels and progressing rapidly. My eyes began to well and I fought back the tears. I fought my feelings in the middle of a mundane, seemingly average parent teacher conference.
Tears of grief for the fact that I am slowly losing more and more time with my boy as he becomes a man. I want nothing more than to hold him tight to take in as much as I can during the ever fast moving continuum of time. Soaking in everything as I watch as the gears turn and lights click with him. Of course my tears of joy at his singular accomplishments. While I know I am his mother, and his father and I have played an intricate role at home, I know he is on his own. I am not there to hold his hand but I gave him tools and he is creating a masterpiece. For which I will always be his biggest fan, ever so proud of him in everything he does from his most prestigious accomplishments to the most dolt fall backs, he amazes me still and forever. I also know that your brother and sister are so lucky to have you as an older brother. I am so proud of you.