Tag: kids

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Mom Sells Weapons of Mass Destruction

Recently I found a new calling in the employment realm. This has been a truly liberating change in fields and needless to say I rather find living on the edge to be totally sexy and intriguing. My new job, in addition to all my other career paths, is as an arms dealer. Yes. I kid you not. I deal with weapons of mass destruction.

You see these two WMD’s are probably the safest on the market as well. You can keep them in your home without permit and their expiration happens at around the age of 18. You avoid the whole fallout issue as you would with standard nukes, the 10 mile safety radius, cancer, however, these two do not come without a price. Their side effects include headache, exhaustion, sleepiness, irritability, agitation, the uncontrollable urge to curse, this is all the effect on you….but if you want to clear a room or destroy one, these two are the weapon of choice.

In fact, they are so powerful, we had to keep them behind bars.

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Nintendo America Superb Customer Service

Customer service is vital for the success and or failure of any organization. Not to mention that customer service is a huge selling and marketing point to consumers. I am one to rant and rave about terrible customer service by companies and their employees. My recent trip to my local Mesa Starbucks resulted in me never visiting that location again due to an assistant manager (sad that managers have this poor customer service) by the name of Sean who treated me like I was a third rate citizen and argued with me despite my simple request. Sigh, I digress because my focus is about fantastic, exceptional, no questions asked customer service where an organization values their customers.

This Christmas Big G was given Guitar Hero Heroes of Rock for Christmas in addition to Sonic and The Dark Knight and other miscellaneous games on behalf of family to play on the Wii. Our family LOVES, let me stress, LOVES our Wii. We workout to the Wii Fit and love the sports games and Mario Cart to name a few favorites, and we enjoy a family game afternoon where we all get involved. So when Grant got these cool games to enjoy all for himself (and mom and dad when he’s not looking) we immediately wanted him to play the games and get his initial fix. However, the poor guy did not get to enjoy his game at all. When we loaded the discs into the Wii we received an error.

We thought nothing of the error at first because the boy had lost his privileges to the game console for a bit. Maybe the unit just needed a good cleaning and maybe had an excess of dust or just needed to be rebooted. After these trials had failed we resorted to our owner’s manual and then to the web. These fixes did not bring our poor Wii back to life.

Finally the hubs called Nintendo America to find a service center or more information to find out where we could get our Wii repaired. The service specialist on the other end of the line told us that we would be better off just sending our Wii straight back to Nintendo to have it repaired. Furthermore Nintendo added that the shipping to them and back to us was included along with the full refurbishing and repair of our Wii. They would tear apart, clean, rebuild and make sure the entire guts of our Wii are in proper working order for us to begin enjoying our Wii again.

More so, we sent our Wii in and within two weeks we receive our Wii delivered UPS to our doorstep. Nintendo America told us that the repair would be six weeks so the delivery was a great surprise to us. Now here is the best part…the cost. The cost was totally minimal, $92 for us to have our Wii cleaned, repaired and the guts all in working order and all the shipping costs. Needless to say I had to brag about how awesome and wonderful Nintendo was to us and our Wii.

Thank you Nintendo.

For anyone who has trouble with the Nintendo gaming consoles or their personal gaming unit be sure to contact Nintendo before you waste your time and money with the traditional repair centers.

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Organic Clothing for Kids: Kushies

Kushies.com, Kushiesonline.com, Kushies, Karie Herring, thefivefish.comSometimes infant and toddler items just seem to be a never ending sea of brands. However, some do stand out from the rest. While on my quest to find excellent kids gifts I came upon Kushies. I found them when doing a search for organic clothing. As you know The Five Fish strive to leave a smaller carbon footprint to preserve this wonderful world we live for generations to come.

What else I found about Kushies is not only their organic offering but their rich history as an innovative and ecological cloth diaper manufacturer. Through the years Kushies has evolved into a high quality manufacturer of childrens toys, clothing, and accesories. They even have their very own site to display the knockoffs, how everyone wants a piece of Kushies.

Although my kids are in diapers (and slowly trying to get them out of them) I decided I would ask to review the clothing line. The organics were not available in my kids’ size because hey, my kids are beasts, but I did find a really great outfit for my Seth to try out. I was thoroughly impressed with the simple and eco-friendly packaging plus I was even more impressed with the feel of the outfit from Kushies.

Kushiesonline.com, thefivefish.com, Kushies, Karie Herring

Seth and I reviewed the Kushies Long Johns from the Everyday Layette Line and let me tell you. FABULOUS. I am not a big clothes fan, they are not made right for babies, infants, children. The sizes are either too big, too small, too tight, and I mean I am breeding an offensive line here, my boys are big, tall, strapping boys. Not some scrawny kid. The long johns fit Seth perfect. He loves them. When he got them he rubbed them on his face because the fabric is so child friendly. Kushies has even taken comfort to the next level with your little one with the tag-free design. My kids all have problems with tags so the tag-free design is a huge plus when buying clothes for them.

Quality is also a huge factor. Will the fabric shrink? Will the fabric fade? Pill? Does the elastic bunch or turn?

In all of these instances NO, in my experience, and my boy loves his clothes from Kushies, especially with the cooler evenings and days he could just lounge in this outfit all day.

But Kushies offers so much more than just clothes. They offer their flagship of the diapering, bedding, bibs, blankets, travel, accesories, toys (seen below L to R Cha Cha Barbells, Ha Ha Ringo, and Fuzzi Nubbinz ), travel and bags, and now their organic line!

What to know where to shop? Just visit Kushies Online to shop for all your infant, baby, and toddler needs. To boot The Five Fish can offer you some major savings on Kushies by entering ffish10 at checkout for a 10% discount on your order! How great is that. Now get some of that shopping done.Visit Kushies Online.

Don’t forget to DOWNLOAD your Copy of the catalog HERE and all the fabulous participants, savings, and giveaways!

  *Five Fish always blog ethically and with transparency.
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Fisher Price: Playing and Learning

Can you name any brand of toy that is synonymous with playing and learning? I know the first one that always comes to my mind is Fisher Price. What I did not know is that Fisher Price has been making quality toys since the 1930s, did you know that? I know I did not, but I knew that Fisher Price was and is the first choice of toys for my kids.

Recently the great ladies (and gents) of Mom Select contacted moms (moi) about reviewing Fisher Price’s infant toys. I know my kids would be perfect since they are in that toddler demolition derby mode, so let my kids really put the products to the test. The two great items we received to review are the Laugh and Learnâ„¢Learning Farm and the Go-Baby-Goâ„¢Stride-to-Rideâ„¢Lion.

When the packages arrived you would have thought my kids were going to lose their minds! Big G was still at school, but I tell you the twins were going crazy! They saw all the pretty colors on the packaging (great marketing folks!) and they knew immediately that these packages were for them. I wasted no time as I was about to be mamed by two little people if I did not get on the ball with putting these toys together.

I tackled the ride-on lion first and Little Bitty was losing her silly little mind because guess what moms and dads……he sings! Yes. He has great sing songs, his nose lights up, and he roars! Adorable. So Little Bitty entertained herself with the lion head while I put the scooter (sit and ride) seat together, which is super easy! I think all in all maybe 12 screws to hold everything altogether. I snapped and screwed it altogether pretty fast…but clearly not fast enough for a couple of 19 month old twins who were slapping each other to get to it. As you can see….Bitty snagged her position on the lion ASAP…she is wiry for such a little girl! I think she is a bit snarky like mom too! (*wink…thats for you Carissa!)

Next we moved onto the farm. I tell you….that farm is truly a farm of a toy to put together. I did need to read the directions a bit to make sure everything was copacetic for the put together, had a few more pieces and handling pieces for the kids for sensory learning. However, the twins were not having that. I could see their little feet tapping….waiting….impatiently for me to give them the mind blowing toy of the century that sings, has a radio dial….YES…A Radio Dial! Lots of learning songs from ABC’s to the 123’s, hand toys like vegetables to feed the cow, and eggs laid by the chicken. I wasted no time installing the electronics as I needed to calm some crazed gnomes fast! Whew, sing songs…we’re all good!

Yes, that is my Seth-En-Stein and his white boy dancing. Isn’t he just the cutest? Rock ON Seth!

By this time Grant was home from school. I was happy to find that even a kindergartener was enjoying the new toy and learning options, plus the songs are great for kids no matter the age.

I have to tell you that the learning farm is a HUGE hit in our home. The barn gate is a big winner too…Seth is seriously OCD about doors so he has great time opening and closing that. In addition to all the fun hands on learning, the kids will learn about shapes, colors, weather (I know…forgot to mention the radio has weather), animals, and as I mentioned before letters and numbers.

The lion is also a GREAT toy for my kids, they are at the age where riding toys are fun and are great for learning coordination and balance. Especially if they are using the lion like my kids do….as a step stool to snag stuff off the counters. DO NOT TRY!! I could not bear to snap a photo as I was sure someone would end up in the ER, so I had to prevent the lion from being used in such a manner. But when the lion is not a ride on toy he can be used as a walker for those just beginning to get their footing and learning to walk.

What I get to share with you!!

So with all my babble about Fisher Price and these FABULOUS toys that my kids will enjoy for years as will other children, I will enjoy sharing this fabulous offer with you to save $20 on your purchase of $100 or more of Fisher Price’s Laugh & Learnâ„¢ and/or Go Baby Go!â„¢ Infant Toys. But I cannot claim all the credit, the lovely ladies (and gents…I didn’t forget!) of MomSelect are sharing this with me to share with you! Be sure to go HERE to get your savings good in stores only for Fisher Price toys.

Thank you again Mom Select, Maria Bailey, Amy Sobel, and Fisher Price!

 *Five Fish always blog ethically and with transparency.

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Raising Arizona

For some reason Mommy Guilt exists in the hearts of moms. I for one have no Mommy Guilt. I am sure you are yelling out, “hogwash,” “LIAR,” “Fraud,” “BULLSHIT!” But really why the guilt? Why do you feel guilty as a mom? What have you done to feel so much guilt? What haven’t you done to instill your feelings of guilt?

The critics and so called “know-it all” authors of parenting put out books every year telling moms and dads alike how to raise better children. More productive children. Overachievers. Perfect children.

Um, who the fuck wants perfect kids?

I know I don’t. Life would be boring. Dull. My children’s lives would lack luster, uniquity, entertainment, thrill, joy, pleasure, and pain. I also would not be challenged as a person to grow spiritually, emotionally and mentally to deal with the day-to-day challenges of being a parent. (Especially a parent of multiples!)

The TODAY show yielded an interesting segment yesterday that caught my attention. A segment on raising kids. My segue into this was yielded in part by my spinning about a post I read about raising kids and how this post referred to an article about an experiment. I should have said to myself…”who cares really about what some quack says in an experiment…..the endless possibilities and outcomes in an “experiment” will possess tons of variables” but unfortunately the underlying theme was the “Mommy Guilt.” Being that I am a glutton I watched the segment.

So this TODAY show segement that I briefly entertained with my shortened attention mentioned parenting items and how to fix parenting problems. Such as praising children. That praising children does not assist in the self-esteem of children.

Now I am not feeling this. While Michelle Borba quickly quoted a Columbia University study that praise is excellent in adults not in children made me think WTF? Children are little adults in my mind. Your mind acts much the same in the way it processes information, however, an adult will be able to synthesize the information a little bit more in depth and to a certain difficulty than a child. Which would suggest to me that children need the same as adults, with the age appropriate spin. She does also say that if a child is praised based on smarts you are NOT suppose to….but to praise based on effort. I for one see this as CRAP. I think a child, especially children who are young and unsure do like to hear both! I for one can speak from experience. I was urged as a child to work harder and praised on my EFFORTS when I was yielding B’s and A’s in school. I personally felt inadequate and not smart enough because of my less than stellar grades. While I may have invested effort, this did not antiquate to smarts. Although the flip side may be that I was told I was smart and then slacked off in school.
My other problem I have with this segment is kids with the very mention of depression. I understand that kids have feelings and those feelings and needs should be acknowledged by the parents. But running your kid to your local psychologist for a diagnosis of depression as young as age THREE BOGGLES. MY. MIND.
If you honestly feel that your child is depressed did you ever stop to talk to them? No wonder you have guilt. You failed to acknowledge your child, to reach out to them and say, “What do you need from me?” “What can I do for you?” And then SHUT the eff up and listen to them. Don’t parent. Don’t judge. Just listen. Most kids will tell you what they need. If you cannot stop to listen to those needs and assist your child in a healthy manner to assist in the productive, emotional, and spiritual growth, then Xanax sure as hell WON’T!!
I am not saying that kids do not get depressed, I am saying that their depression at the RIPE age of three is probably induced by his or her environment which could quite possibly be alleviated by talk therapy, not drug therapy, also by mom or dad not allowing their children to feed on the environment they create. So Mom or Dad…get help first, for yourselves, before you deem that your child needs help. I am also saying as well that parents should talk to their kids, listening to them is HUGE. I am not sure how many times I will say it but listening is amazing. That is all our kids do…is listen. They listen to and pick up on everything we say and do. If you want to know how bad your life is….LOOK AT YOUR KIDS. They will reflect your home-life, your views, your feelings.

Addition to home-life issues is the issue of your child as a person. The mention of a child being materialistic is based on a learned behavior most likely from the parents. This can be solved. How? Quit worrying about brands, material things, the best. If you have to shop at Macy’s for image then that is your perogative, but do  not expect your child to not demand stuff from Macy’s again if you mention clothes shopping. Giving your child everything like toys, nice clothes, the best shoes, does not show them you love them. This will not alleviate your guilt. This does not boost self esteem in your child. This spoils them. If you want to spoil them fine, but do not defend your child when you later learn of behavioral problems, do not deny the capabilities of your child to wreak havoc.

I guess I am lost on the whole guilt thing with raising children. I go to bed every night knowing that my kids are FABULOUS. Not because they are mine, but because they really are great kids. I have come across some real turds of children and really they are good kids, with AWFUL behavior that is not corrected…by the PARENTS. You know them and this is the short list:

  • No manners
  • Expect everything
  • No respect for anyone or authority figures
  • Materialistic because that is all they know from their parents (the more stuff = higher status, when really this just means you are a bigger douche compensating if you ask me)
  • Throw a fit if they do not get what they want, make demands
  • Ignore the rules, pretend the rules do not apply to them.

I also happened across The View. Man, talk about gluttonous jackpot of parenting segments this week for me to watch and read. This was on spanking. I had a problem with this topic. Not about the “to spank or not to spank” issue but the fact that we as a society are truly so wrapped up in judging ourselves and others based on parenting. I mean really, those who are out there writing the parenting books are the ones who probably had the worst parenting.

Whether you spank or not is based on you and your child, not whether or not your parents spanked you. My parents spanked me, but I do not like to spank. My kids do not respond to a quick swat on the tush. Big G used to get swats, he did not respond well and began hitting back. We corrected the whole situation with no hitting and not spanking so he did not correlate the two. His hitting was in part to feeling inadequate about correctly expressing his feelings. We got him a pound a peg and a stuffed toy to take out his anger and frustration. But I think again our society is so judgmental on whether or not we spank, whether or not to “praise” for the right things at the right time, so many rules.

Parenting comes down to the brass tax of common sense. If you cannot common sense parent then you need a license to breed. I cannot tell anyone how they should or should not raise their children but really folks, do we need to read all of these books that contradict or elaborate further on our day-to-day efforts as a parent?

I have a therapist and a lovely one at that. She taught me how to be a better person, to be better, to not react but to act. With her guidance I have learned to be a better parent and better guide to my children. With that they are happy, level, easy going, unexpecting. Because I am a level person and I do the best I can I carry no mommy guilt. None, nada. I have had one moment of guilt as a parent…..on Wednesday when Big G has his early release day….I forgot it was early release.

The school is no more than five minutes away and he was released at 2:25 I got to the school at 2:40. I felt awful only because I thought he might be afraid. But he was not. He laughed at me and said “Mom, you’re late!” I felt guilty for being late that day, however, my guilt was put at ease by the smile on my son’s face and the fact that he knew I was coming, the day itself slipped my mind for early release.

I guess I feel no guilt about raising my children because of the simple fact that they are not like a car. My best analogy….plus many years in the business you can use the analogy A. LOT! But seriously, kids are not like cars with brand new stickers, they may smell new, that lovely smell each has when you bring them home. Your total lust for each, although the car lust for sure fades while the lust and love of children is eternal. They both operate extremely well with no bumps or dings and you protect each one so gingerly until they get a little older and you know, things happen. But the difference with a car and your child, besides the blatanly obvious, is that Handy Dandy Owner’s Manual.

Children are not sent home with an owner’s manual tucked into their diapers. Just your common sense as a person, your comparative knowledge of how your parent’s raised you, how you think you ought to have been raised or your ideals of raising children. THAT’S IT! So each day we do the best we can. We love with every inch of our mortal selves. At the end of the day, we look forward to tomorrow and the new lessons we learn as parents and say to HELL with the guilt. To hell with the whacks and their books. There is nothing more true than a mother’s intuition. Follow it, embrace it, let your soul  be your guide to raising your children and most of all, no guilt. Parenthood is by FAR the most stressful, full-time, hands-on, kiss my ass I am doing the best I can do job out there! Do not feel guilty for doing the best you can, but be sure to give them your best. Give your kids all you have got, because you only have this one life with them.

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Smart Mouth Kids

I am amazed every day at what my kids will say. Especially now Big G who has done a few years of early learning before actually doing the whole kindergarten experience. Today, literally like 10 minutes ago DH challenged G to count to 20. Then he looked at me like…..WHAT DID I DO?!

Big G counted to 20, then 30, 40, all the way to one hundred and back. Needless to say the boy MAY get bored this year in kindergarten but we shall see.

Yesterday was like any other day. First day of school. The kid was wrecked as usual. His face was drained of any energy an life. I was left to pick up a five year old zombie in need of a fix of sorts. TV. The Wii. Brains. He got home explained to me his day and bolted to the Wii. Though I understood his fixation since he has been grounded since lat week. One of my many bargaining tools is the threatened loss and sale of that stupid contraption….although I use it for my Yoga.

After the Wii time he got a small snack before dinner. He ate and then proceeded to be a little pig. I try to give him credit, I mean he is five, a boy, and his father’s son. Cleanliness is not a priority and neither is tidiness. However, when I spent MANY grueling hours scrubing my floors on my hands and knees (yes…I did…the whole OCD thing right) the hairs on the back of my neck began to raise as I sat at the kitchen table and heard the small tinkling of crumbs to my recently prisitne conditioned floors.

I look over my shoulder as I see my boy walking away, making a trail of mess as he goes. I told him to be more careful with what he was doing since he was dropping crumbs and making a mess (miniscule in comparison to other messes…..like the Squids) and here is his LOVELY response.

Well just go get the vacuum then Mom and suck up all the crumbs. Jeez!

Gods and naturistic forces kept me from grabbing his neck like a wet rag needing a good wring. DH looked at me with wide eyes….and I snapped back at him that any time he felt like getting off his too good ass to help in the Maid department that I have so rightly assumed over the years, he was more than welcome to let me have a single day off. Mum was the word from him.

I will give Big G about another year before I force that vacuum upon him and we’ll see who was so smart, he will be so grateful to appreciate my cleaning and vacuuming skills then!

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Parents Eat Free Night

Can you believe a night like that at a restaurant exists? I know I had not a CLUE that parents can eat free until DH made the lovely suggestion to go out to eat dinner last night.

WRONG!!! SO. EFFING. WRONG.

Thanks for playing babe, next time, listen to the wife when she says “Beware.”

Let me explain. You see the shiny white round ball at night? We call that the moon. Once a month, usually about the same damn time Flo drops by, the white ball of fury is FULL. Which means that my sweet little squidy gnomes, turn into fire breathing, grimoire casting, horn bearing DEMONS.

Now Seth-en-stein, not so much. The Little Bitty…..O.M.G!!

Seriously the girl is on a rampage. No stopping her. A drawer in my kitchen was open every other second. Garlic press here, spoon there, spatula yonder…….you name it, she pulled it out. EVERY. EFFING. FIVE. SECONDS. Seriously, I contemplated putting a collar around her and a stake in the floor where the rope only had about two feet of play so she couldn’t get into anything. Tupperware, stainless steel bowls clanging.

And then. When I thought her possession had passed and I did not have to contemplate my conversion to Catholicism to invest in a priest to perform an exorcism she did it. She pushed me.

Not physically, I mean she weighs a whopping 22 pounds sopping wet. She climbed up onto the dining table. Unloaded everything on it. Began to head for THE laptop, MY laptop, to hurl it like a discus in a track an field competition. So I told her NO one last time. And she screamed like bloody hell and I lost it. I walked away. I hid in a place where I could call her all the foul names I have called people that make sailors blush. And then I was fine. Until the hubs began debating the dinner debacle.

I hate dinner. Unless I have prepared a menu that week I hate trying to throw together dinner especially when I have been busy working all day. (Cleaning, blogging, gossiping with my mother…ya know…working!) No really, I have been fighting with a customer, I lost $2400 because he was scared of the FBI form….long story on that, and then the demon spawn of hell awoke from her monthly slumber. So we decided on a “kids eat free” deal! WOOT.

Not so much. Basically the dinner Gods said, “Hey Herrings, thanks for playing!”

So we venture to Coco’s, which by the way has some fantastic desserts. And the whole thing is a joke from the get go. The 20 something doesn’t know her asshole from a whole in the wall hostess puts us in a CORNER booth with twins. Um….yo…..where do we put not one, yes count them, TWO high chairs. Alrighty, a new adventure….BOOSTER SEATS!! Negative. Seth-en-stein was great, he was easy peasy pumpkin pie as Big G would say. Not the Little Bitty, oh no. Let’s throw our Crocs across the table, eat crayons, and then SCREAM bloody hell again like someone was yanking her nails from the nail beds with a pair of pliers.

DH patiently pulls her from her stance, takes her outside. I order for the kids seeing as she is probably hungry, hence the extra dose of demonic presence, and I wanted there food there first so they weren’t so cranky and then DH and I could order. They come back…..we go for round two. Negative. Even more ornery, tears, blood boiling screams, kicking. LOTS. OF. KICKING. He takes her back outside just as the food arrives. The boys eat. DH is waiting for me in the car….thinking I am gonna just bail. Um no, feed kids, then bail. He comes back, we try round three and she shows sign of interest in the tempting and toasty chicken nuggets only to begin her dive onto said table where we say EFF IT! DONE!!

As she blood boiling screams, I try to gather all the gear since traveling with a singleton and multiples is seriously a day trip safari the shit we pack. I fumble. He’s impatient, barking begins, and my growls come back. I wanted to tell the Mo Fo…um had you listened at home when I told you going out to dinner was NOT a wise plan, we wouldn’t be snapping at one another. So I take the boys to the car….yeah….car is not unlocked. So I stomp towards the front door and tell DH of his brilliant plan to send me to said car when I DON’T HAVE KEYS! I get the boys and the demon in the car….he pays…..the waiter trys to comp….not sure why. My kid is the asshole. Not like you had turrets for that moment and was freaking like she was. So we leave a hefty tip…..as a bribe that we promise never to return.

On the ride home….incessant screams, cries, no comfort in sight. Not even the blankie. I sit in total silence wanting to be a childish brat and rant this to DH:

“Nah Nah asshat! See I told you!! Not a good idea to go to dinner. Getting out of the house was not good. I told you she was a demon today, she is out of hand, you think I am menstrual….nice…nice excuse. See I WAS RIGHT!!!”

But I sat there. Completely, totally, utterly, emotionally toasted from keeping my cool, holding in my bittersweet victory. I got home…..and BALLED.

I was starving, since I didn’t get to order and not hungry all at the same time from all the chaos and BS of dealing with my baby girl who just needed to go to bed I guess. We tossed her in jammies and she drifted peacefully to sleep. The boys went to bed just as easily.

And then I made myself the best gall dang breakfast burrito!!

Eggs, sausage, hickory smoked maple bacon, fresh diced potatoes and FRESH, oh yes, FRESH homemade tortillas sprinkled with cheese. I ate till I felt like the fattest cat around. Like I was the most depressed woman crying into her Haagen Daas….in my case…..my papas y frijoles. Watched some bad TV and then went to bed before 11pm. And that my friends is how parents eat free on a Kids Eat free dinner night.

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Hide and Seek of Guilty Evidence

Kids, and even adults are so funny when they are busted. I mean they act like “What?” “Who me?” “What are you talking about?”

Big G is the biggest offender of this. He is allowed one sugary type drink or snack a day, if that. And the option is one or the other…NOT BOTH. We limit his sugar because his little body simply cannot metabolize sugar into a normal energy way. I mean most kids get on a sugar high that is completely normal, but my child…WATCH OUT! The boy acts like he received a hearty dose of epinephrine straight to his system. He is like watching a car with nitrous oxide injection, fast, fast, burn, and then the choke out. By choke out, the kid is a disaster, he is completely incorrigible. To some, thats fine they may have the patience to deal with that type of disaster and crisis management. Me? NO THANKS. My boy is even keel, but when sugar kicks in, he is out of hand!

So he has been on his smoothie kick lately. No problem with the smoothies, you get one a day. Just like the Danactive. Even though they are a dairy type drink, the sugar content is enough to push the kid into the Asshole Zone of incorrigible.

While I was in the garage, cleaning and arranging our numerous piles of stuff that needs to be sold, donated, weeded through, trashed, you name it I found empty packages. Empty packages of what you ask? Well the Danactive probiotic yogurt drinks that I told him he can only have one a day.

I pick up the evidence and take said evidence in the house. Knowing full and well, he was the one. DH tosses stuff on the floor of the garage, but not like that, mostly sawdust, and whatever other project he is working on and he does so in a dubious manner. These empty little packages were strategically placed in a very inconspicuous spot. So as not to detect they were there. Little did he know that I am not a complete genius, but I am far from oblivious and stupid.

I confront the boy.

 

Me: G, what is this?
G: Um……um…….um…….I dunno.
Me: (Clearly pissed at his blatant act of stupidity and failing to fess up) If you lie to me now you will be in more trouble. I ask you again…..What are these?
G: Yogurt drinks.
Me: And why are they empty in the garage….and in hiding places in the garage?
G: Um….um…..um……
Me: Don’t start that again, what are they doing in there and hiding? Why did you hide them? Why are you sneaking them?
G: I dunno….(clearly starting to cry and feel sorry for himself for being caught)
Me: You lose the Wii and you no longer get drinks like this again for a week too. You will only drink your organic milk or water. THAT’S IT!!!

What children and some adults have not learned is that you cannot hide something. No matter if that something is bad or good, a trail is always left behind somewhere of something that was done wrong. I know I have found that out…..hence the private blog open ONLY to invitation only (email me if you want an invite add for author or reader). But I love that I put Sitemeter on there so I can still track those who hit that blog, just DYING to read what is written behind the veil of privacy. But the moral that I have taught my kids, and one taught to me is, PUNT….always tell the truth. Kick the ball down field even if you are at the 4th down, with no time outs, and 50 yards to go, everything to lose! Or better yet, if there are two outs, and only a runner on first, just hit the truth as hard as you can. It hurts, man does it hurt, but later you won’t have anything eating at your conscience that you didn’t try, you didn’t give it your all and be true to what you feel. I mean who wouldn’t feel the best knowing they hit the ball as hard as they could with the bat, hitting the biggest outfield hit they could, even if caught, they still cranked it out.

From now on, Big G has learned that all you have to do is ask, or just fess up. A simple question. He may not always like the answer, but he will learn as he grows into an adult, we don’t always like what we hear or the answer we are given, but at least we got an answer.

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My future daughter-in-law, I am so sorry

My Dear Daughter-in-Law,

I write this letter in complete embarrassment. I am thankful you love my son for all of his fine qualities. The boy was always so lovable and very affectionate as a young child. So much so that I apologize for the way he may kiss you. His intentions are good but his teacher was terrible!

Have a DOG-GONE Great Day!

I know…….a real knee slapper!

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I wasn’t always a REAL mom

My journey for motherhood began seven years and three months ago. I had no intention of becoming a mother. NONE. My mother told me for MANY years that I would reap every hell I had sown to her. I would reap because of my own children that “One day, your kids will do the exact same thing you have done to me!!” And so I vowed to never have children. I vowed to never get married.Eating all of those words will probably explain why I am on a diet!

I met my husband in the spring of 1997 in Albuquerque. Of all places, a bar. I know, such a bad cliche. He was married in the process of a divorce. I, was a hot young thing with no intention of settling, he was looking for fun and so was I. Needless to say we have been having fun together since then! We married in the fall of 2000.

Shortly before we were married we discussed children. I still did not really want children. I did not feel I was mother material. I was very set in my ways, a control freak by all means, perfectionist on every level, I was jaded, harsh, young, and could not be bothered. I worked long hours as a finance manager in the car business. That lifestyle was no place for children, my father was living proof, as was I since I was third generation “car guy.” As we talked more and discussed our future life, goals, and dreams, I began to crumble under my inherent calling of womanhood and the “clock.” So we agreed on children, well I did. I demanded no more than two, and of course if we could get it done in one shot with twins I would be more than satisfied.
Like I truly had any control over my conception of a child, you can tell I was a TRUE control freak back then. You can also tell I have had LOTS of therapy since then! HA

In June of 2000 I went off the pill. For a few reasons, one which was to lose the 15 pounds I had gained on the pill so that I could get into my perfect wedding dress. Right now I would kill to look like that again….but that in itself is another post. The other reason I went off the pill was to begin our unprotected sex journey to conception.

The journey took TWO LONG years before I even got pregnant.

One March Sunday I awoke and just had “that feeling”, the one where you KNOW to take a pregnancy test, where you know your heart will jump out of your chest in complete disbelief? I called my boss and told him I would be late to work that day…..I was pregnant!! DH was already at work that morning, he worked the first shift at Home Depot. I being the sentimental little miss I was ran over to Wal-Mart, picked up an “I Love Daddy” bib and took that to him at work. I arrived and walked to the millwork desk where I found him loading doors into an overhead display. He seemed worried as to why I was stopping by to see him on my way to work. My eyes began to well and I handed him the bib. He pulled the bib out of the bag and looked at it in disbelief……just as I did with the stick I just peed on not 45 minutes earlier….and he asked what this meant. I asked him what did he think it meant? We went around and around for a minute and then I told him I was pregnant. We just stared at each other for a minute and then hugged like there was no end. Our movie moment was over and then we both had to get to work.

I was beaming! I beamed for about a week, maybe two. I hadn’t even had a chance to have my first doctors appointment to confirm via ultrasound that I was pregnant. Complications set in…..fast!!

While at WORK, work of all places. Nothing but men, jaded, alcoholic, mean, self centered asshole men. I began to show signs of a miscarriage. I ran out of work, grateful my boss was a good, kind hearted man! I went to the ER with DH where they said that I was having a “threatened” miscarriage and that all appeared fine, but to take things easy. Another week passed, and again while at work, signs, signs that I had no idea about with cramping, spotting, I was a train wreck! I was sick, nauseous, not nauseous, not sick, I was a pregnantly confused young woman. My body was telling me yes and no to pregnancy. I waited until I was out of work and things seemed fine. I knew then it was stress from work. So I called in sick to take things easy on a Saturday. This was UNHEARD OF in the car business. I took the day easy watching TV, not worrying. Until that night and I knew we had to go to the ER. Something was terribly wrong. DH and I sat in the ER for over 10 hours. Grueling tests, pokes, prods, no drugs, ultrasounds, more tests, LOTS of waiting. My HCG was off the charts, so they said I was definitely pregnant, maybe a little farther along than I had calculated. But the bad news came at just before dawn. Just before dawn on Easter Sunday. We were miscarrying. We looked at each other in silence, in love. Our first loss as a couple. We had never experienced the grief and loss we experienced that day. I called my mother…..and I called into work for Monday. We were in mourning. To add injury to insult, we were also told I had LARGE ovarian cysts. WHAT?!!

And so we sat…..waiting for the inevitable. Waiting for the “miscarriage” to happen. I was writhing in pain for DAYS. Emotional and physical. I had returned to work on Tuesday only go go home. I was in the worst pain, somewhat spotty. I called my doctor only to get the run around THREE different times by the nurse who answered when I finally put my foot down and was my normal bitch self. I told her I was in pain. I told her I had NOT lost the baby yet, not enough substance. I TOLD HER I FELT LIKE MY LEGS WERE BURNING!!! I went to the doctors where they did an ultrasound. OH SHIT, is what the tech told us.

GREAT! WTF is that suppose to mean?

The doctor came in, told us to rush to the hospital for surgery I had an ectopic pregnancy and I was bleeding out. If I did not go into surgery that day I would surely bleed to death.

FANTASTIC!

After all was said and done I had found I was pregnant with twins. Fraternal quite obviously, one in the womb which was my “blighted ovum” as they called it and the second became entombed in my right fallopian tube which is nonexistent to this day. Thanks to a ruptured appendix four years prior that left scar tissue which choked off the path to the uterus. I researched from then on all about pregnancy after an ectopic……the results were dim at best. 37% success rate.

SUPERB!

I was looking forward to struggling to get pregnant once again. However, I endured great pain in order to conceive. You see I never did fertility. Crossed my mind, but never did. I knew I was fertile, but standing on my head and raising my pelvis were not assisting in the dates of DH’s sperm and my ripe eggs. I had to be tested before I attempted to conceive again, the doctors had to test whether or not my left tube was open for business. There I lay…on a cold, sterile, flat bed with my “Frieda” exposed to some random lab guy who was inserting an instrument into my vagina and met my cervix. He explained how a “balloon” at the end of this tube would inflate to open my cervix and a dye would enter to check the tube. GREAT, sounds easy. Nope. I begged for more rectal exams before enduring that test again. But the results were life changing. We had an open tube that was ready for traffic. That was July of 2002…..by December, when we thought we would NEVER get pregnant, we conceived. I know the date. Christmas Eve. Such a beautiful night.

Yet in the time that we found the results and conceived we put our house in Albuquerque up for sale, started job hunting and decided Arizona was the place to move. My family lives here (there) and so we thought, that would be perfect. Still close to family.

In January of 2003 I scheduled a trip to Arizona to interview with car dealerships, at least three, and a few mortgage companies. I met with almost all of them but settled with the dealership since I would be making the most money. (Wrong! Thats a whole story in itself) I returned home and went to work the following day. My general manager and the owner of the dealership I was working for found I was job hunting, they knew I was going to give notice. They let me go with my vacation pay and the pay for the rest of the month! So I was well on my way to moving. I got home that day and knew….just knew in my gut to take a pregnancy test, I was only like a day late if that.

EUREKA!!

I called DH at work….told him the great news about being let go early. He was shocked. I told him about all the money being paid out. He was relieved. I told him I was pregnant!

***********CRICKETS***********

But we moved anyway and I had an ultrasound and this baby was a keeper. My Big G!
On September 14, 2003 at 2:22pm weighing in at 8 pounds 2 ounces and 19.25 inches long, DH and I welcomed Grant Thomas Herring to the world. Big G!

I couldn’t believe I did it! I made it through 10 months, 8 hours of labor, 45 minutes of hard pushing, and I did it! I was a mom. But I never felt it. Something was there, but not there. I have pictures where you can see I adored the boy (and still do), just gazing at him. Yet, something felt missing. I went back to work at 7 weeks and he went to daycare. I was crushed. I cried a week straight dropping him off, but that slowly eased.

DH and I met troubled waters after having Big G. We went from living in a house to an apartment when we moved to Arizona, so cramming all your house furniture into a tiny apartment with two dogs was not ideal. Plus we began to grow apart. We finally bought a house though in February of 2004. We still live in the same house we bought, the house is home. DH and I started to come back to center with each other, things were mending, I was struggling personally. I felt something was wrong with me. And then we had another blow. In May of 2004 we found we were pregnant………AGAIN! I was furious. I was just barely done being pregnant. DH was excited, I was pissed. He was crushed. After some time and just before our first appointment (since I am high risk I had to go in right away) I finally accepted and was happy to be pregnant. Then the doctor did an ultrasound. He took forever. I wanted to know what was going on. And then I heard the words…………………..

You have TWO in there………..You see?!

Then I wanted to lose my mind. I couldn’t believe it. But we had another quick jab. I was asked how far along I was…..because the yolks did not look big enough. So we rescheduled to come back in a few weeks to check. Those were the longest.weeks.ever! The following ultrasound was killing me. I lay in wait for weeks to tell people we were pregnant, I told some, I need positive affirmations. The power of positive did not yield. The twins were mono-amniotic (sharing the same sac, quite possibly identical twins) and they were not growing. No heartbeat. No babies. No healthy babies even if the pregnancy took and went to term. I was warned of Twin to Twin Transfusion, heart problems, a whole spectrum of medical mumbo jumbo that I immediately heard “wah wah, wah wah wah wah.” We were devastated again. To add more injury I was sent home with a script to help ease along the miscarriage.

TWO THUMBS UP!

Within a few days of that appointment I was fired, over the phone, by my boss at the time. So that was great. I had lots to contend with. Luckily one of my old bosses (at a different employers) offered me to come back and I worked for them for a year and when I was pregnant with Big G, so I was happy to oblige. They were also very sympathetic of what I was having to endure…..as the process was not moving along. But then it did….and I never wish the experience upon any woman in my life. I awoke to labor pains at 16 weeks gestation. Awful. I could not wake DH. I would not. So for hours I suffered alone until the ordeal was done. I writhed, cried, hid, felt shameful, prayed for mercy. And then I suffered more as I began my awful bout with depression which lasted me some time and then the nasty medication that completely ruined me.

I had a breakdown in 2006. I nearly lost my mind. I almost had myself committed. I detoxed off of the worst anti-depressants known to man. I searched, I fought, I lost, I won, and then I was saved by a wonderful woman. She told me how to deal with myself. That feeling was OK. All that I had learned was wrong, and I have been every sort of medication (except the occasional motrin for headaches, etc) free since March of 2006.

In 2007, DH and I went to our friends wedding in Reno. We. Had. A. BLAST! Big G free weekend to enjoy ourselves. And we did. And we got loaded on many occassions. And DH told me he wanted another baby. And so after celebrating a wedding and in the nostalgia we worked towards another baby.

June 2007 came upon us fast. This was the year The Police were on their reunion tour. GET. OUT. OF. TOWN. We got tickets. On the floor. We rocked out to The Police that year. And that night, nostalgic from the concert, we conceived. June 18th 2007.

July rolls around and we were planning the 4th. Somehow DH and I got into an argument. I ran to the store to get smokes (I was smoking at the time) and a pregnancy test. I know, great combo! Like a salad and a double cheeseburger.

I get home from cooling off, take the test. DH and I are still battling. We were on the brink of the BIG D coming to our lips when I return to the bathroom. I was in tears. Still. From the fight. From the results. I stood there as we were half assed deciding our fate when I whipped out the pee stick. His jaw dropped. We laughed. We mended our stupid fight. We started going back to counseling.

The pregnancy seemed to be your regular run of the mill, feel like crap, look like crap, eat like crap. But I felt like something was going wrong again! I know right…a running theme. I go to the Urgent care thinking I had a UTI or a bladder infection. The ass hat doctor tells me I have back pain. WTF?! Dude….I have pain….not back pain….the pain is near my back…..but not my back. We go to the ER. I couldn’t take it, granted the doctors appointment was in 2 days, but I had not eaten in those two days and could not keep anything down. I knew I was having a girl, but did not want to be so seriously ill. We went through tests again in the ER, but thankfully in a hospital that is knowledgeable unlike the ones in Albuquerque.

Tests, tests, lots of tests. Pain, pain, and lots of pain. I accepted their drugs. I needed their drugs, I felt like I was going to die. Now I can handle A LOT of pain. I went to 7 during my BACK LABOR with Big G before I crumbled for the epidural. The tests were run, and now I just wanted results and I wanted to go home. The doctor came in with the nurse, the time was just after midnight, approaching 1 am.

“Well folks, everything looks totally normal. So you have nothing to worry about.”
Me and DH “Whew so everything is A-Ok, the pregnancy is alright, I am alright?”
“Yeah nothing wrong with you………you just have two babies in there so that will cause a bit more discomfort.”

***********CRICKETS***********

“Um two babies?” I asked in disbelief….brinking on the edge of tears. DH, “TWO BABIES!? OMG babe did you hear that?”
“Are you sure?” I asked again.
“Oh, you didn’t know?” the doctor said. We both shook our heads unable to speak a word.
“Yeah you are looking good, we saw two heartbeats in there, so can’t ever say you didn’t get good news in the ER.”

And we left still dragging our jaws on the ground. Slid into the car and screamed. Then we called everyone. We woke them up. We told them our shocking good news.

On February 15th 2008, at 36 weeks and 4 days by Casearean section I delivered Seth Michael at 4:53pm weighing 8 pounds 2 ounces 19.75 inches long and at 4:54pm I delivered Sara Noel weighing 6 pounds even and 19.25 inches long.

From them on my job as a mom has changed. I have been able to see and enjoy all the firsts. I was robbed with Big G because I had to go back to work. I was robbed based on my own selfishness of failing to accept I was a mom, I wanted my DINK lifestyle. I robbed my oldest of a healthy, well adjust mom the first few years of his life. But I feel like I am making that up to him. I am a 30 somethings mom now who has no desire to keep up with fashion….I mean I am lucky if I match at all some days. I have two more children that I am learning from everyday, watching grow like I should have with Big G. I should have just stopped to watch, what was my hurry?

I am better with compassion to my children, I am patient, kind, and I am always listening. I listen to the sound of the giggles. I listen to the cries, I know which ones are pain, hurt, hunger, tired, thirsty, or the ones that mean I just need a hug. I didn’t always know these things. I wasn’t sure I wanted to, but felt obligated to do so. Now, I love it. I look back at how BORING my life was before kids. My house was always clean, I mean I vacuumed dog hair…big woop. Meals were boring, we sat and watched TV never speaking. Now, dinner is like a three ring circus with Big G and the twins, never a dull or lifeless dinner. I no longer go days or weeks without a hug from someone, as I get hugs all day everyday. I used to spend money on excess fashion, where now that is spent on school clothes, school shoes, and play clothes for my kids, now I spend on their fashion. I used to never worry about what time I went to bed, and now, I am lucky to stay up past 11pm.

Some women claim they were “born to be a mom,” I think we are all born to be a mom based on gender makeup. But moms are made. My kids made me the mom I am today. I love them more than words can say and I never regret, wish, or ask for anything different with them or in for myself in my life. Each and everyday I try to stop a little longer to cherish, love, and memorize them just as they are in that moment, on that day, because they grow so fast.