The Five Fish

I have had my life fall apart and put back together again free of assistance, pity, completely lost, insecure, fighting, grappling for proof of life at the end of mass destruction. I have loved, I have lost, I have hated only to transition into pity and finally indifference. I am a “feeler” albeit I take everything personally not purposely but out of a sense of unknown connection, maybe the need for acceptance even though I prefer to be a loner. I have tempted fate, death, only to find life, and that in this life coincidences do not exist, a well plotted three act play. I have my mothers heart and my fathers moxie. But I am damaged, even through pain and healing.

I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother, woman. I can take your breath away and give it back all at once. My beauty does not overwhelm my being, but rather a simple knowledge and modesty that all are as beautiful and the ugliness is in immorality and wickedness.

I am a Leo. By all means I am loyal to the bone though in the face of distrust and disloyal conduct I am a front of offense and meanness a defense mechanism to protect a fragile, kind heart, an open book of emotion and feeling. Once scorned my well-known aura and light of love are scorned to darkness. The sun is my sign, to which I thrive by, radiate, and hunt the light, my internal burning light is what draws others to me, a moth to a flame. I am a survivor, hunting for purpose and tranquility with ferocity and intent. When I have found my prize I am relentless in obtaining that for which I want. I am proud but have swallowed the pill many a times. Like any big cat I crave for the acceptance in my hard work, persistence, the acknowledgment that often is ignored.

I make no changes, exceptions, I am who I am. Full of brash comments spewing truth, my boldness is more often mistaken for rudeness albeit snarky but never hurtful with intention. I am a trailblazer and part of this trait is I get what I deserve and as a two part, others reap what I sow mistaking my generosity for charity. I am stubborn, hard-headed, willful and no one stands in my way, however, my kind heart allows me to consider others feelings as to prevent hurt while on my mission. 

Part of who I am is that I am highly observant, seeing the underbelly of truth and meaning, allowing me to gain a higher perspective for any situation and my surroundings. Bullshit can be smelled from a mile away by my extra-sensory call it the sixth sense but the ability to determine a lie from the truth no matter the severity is an uncanny ability when meeting people. My tact and couth however allows me to not always call out the truth for those who blatantly spew and emit falsehoods. However, I am bound by my word, what I say is the truth and I bear life by my own truths. I say what often needs to be said, full of heart, possibly with lack luster but better off speaking to those, I have no fear and would rather say too much than to never say what needs to be said.

I never ask or look for handouts. As no one steps on my dreams I work that much harder. I take pity on those who constantly take and take and never give back, but only give back for their own personal gain, not for the sake of giving, the sheer joy in someone’s pure, truthful enjoyment, I only hope that one day their karma check will be cashed. I rise above and help myself because if I cannot help myself I feel I cannot help others. I also believe hard work only makes one stronger, but I feel I have always worked doubly hard which might explain my jaded outlook, my snarky demeanor. With my hardwork I do not flaut it or promote, maybe I should but I am modest with my hardwork and should not have to spot light ti but rather let the results speak for themselves.

I do not practice any religion but I do answer to a higher moral beacon, with a simple basis of right and wrong, good and bad, earned respect, mortal consideration of beings with feelings. I have no use for divine paragons and divinity is both immanent and transcendent. Mysticism is alive and well, De ja` vu’ is but our past life emerging briefly to foreshadow our well plotted three-act play of life. Life is life, a journey, a constant classroom of new experiences, the rehash of old. Call me a Neo-Pagan, I am more earthbound, the metaphysical excites and intrigues me. I light candles, I pray each time I drive or for those in need of prayer, I think and send out karma and mojo in all directions good or bad. A nice balance if you ask me. But I do not pray to any God or Heavenly Father, but some providential Higher power of sorts. God is not only man but quite possibly a woman. While humans are capable of great feats I do believe not all feats are meant to be reached. An intricate balance between science, technology and the respect for the providential higher power. I am a dreamer but grounded by my realism and perpetual optimism. 

I never wanted to get married or have children. EVER. My contentedness of traveling a life alone and without rules was highly appealing but my internal driving clock and love for caring for my own young was appealing, and yet unappealing to my lifestyle. I enjoy my alone time and need for three feet of personal space, but I also crave the attention and company of others as long as they are intellectually stimulating. Otherwise I bore easily, simply amusing those to avoid an uncomfortable situation of truths.

I mentioned my ferocity correct? Could you imagine that ferocity in the way I care for my young. Ah yes, the power of the great lioness with her cunning protection and love. My mate also receives a loyal and unwavering love. Speaking of love I am a fiery lover with an insatiable desire for passion and romance. Forbidden love makes my sex on fire and yearn for more.

But even a mother and woman needs her time away to which I pride myself and my flowing mane with a run or a dance. Running is freeing and an adrenaline rush of raw endorphins to work off any angsts, my time for meditation of pure quiet and solitude. I dance because as a Leo and part of who I am I love the limelight, and proud enough to know I am a fabulous dancer. I read for enjoyment and to escape for a fantasy. I daydream but am a realist. However, I know that “days like this” exist.

I am a loyal and truthful friend. As I do take a lot of life personally I cherish and hold onto beautiful relationships. Not everyone can be considered a friend, let alone a best friend, not even family fits the bill of friend. I believe a best friend is close to being like family where he or she is never disloyal, unfaithful, and loves without conditions. Friends are not based on convenience but a spiritual, quite possibly divine connection, people cut from the same cloth. Maintaining the same level of morals, integrity, principles and values for people as humans regardless of wrong doings, the Rogerian theory of we are all inherently good by nature.

I hope I said all that I needed to say.